am i wrong for getting upset..?

Question

my hubby (23) and i (21) will be married a year dec. 20th. right now, he's currently deployed and i'm 29 wks pregnant with our first. we're basically still starting our little lives and "trying" to save money. BUT my mother in law will ask him for money.. sometimes $400 at a time. doesn't bother me to help her, moreover that there are 4 adults working at their house! father in law, mother in law , & 2 bros in law (19 & 22). my sis in law (17) can work but wont. the other 2 are young (4 & 9) what i spend is for groceries, baby items, and things for care packages to send him. this month i sent $200, last month $300, and the month before that $250. i get upset and i tell him because we're trying to save money for when he gets out. he gets mad, like me, because of his 22 yr old bro won't help pay bills. but he feels bad to leave his mom hanging and that i understand. this has been going on since we got married.

ugh.. any advice or someone been like this before? :(

thx everyone for your answers.. makes me feel better :)

and i don't live with my mother in law..
we have our own place and our own bills to pay as well :|

that's i would like to know as well.. WTF are they spending on?! >:|

Answer 1

The problem has its roots with your mother-in-law not being able to deal with the other adults in her house. My bet is she would be okay if she weren't still supporting everyone that's under her roof.

My advice would be for you and your husband to talk with her and explain to her your position of trying to save money for your own family, your own housing, and your own food, and that she just needs to cut off her other dependents so that she can move on. If they are able to work and they're still living with mom and dad, they need to be working and paying $ 100-200 a month rent to mom. That's the least they could do. She's going to get all sobby, but tell her it's time for them to grow up.

Conratulations on coming up on your one-year anniversary, and thanks to your husband for representing us overseas. You've got an honorable husband.

Answer 2

You do have options.....
1) Stop sending money to keep the bros in law up.

2) Have your father and mother in law to kick their lazy butts out or charge them to live there. No money for rent? Move to the homeless shelter, they have a cot or floor to sleep on and the food is great, lol.....

3) Employ the bros in law for the check that you send, have them paint walls and refinish floors. If you don't have any chores that need doing, start a business doing something really nasty like cleaning port-a-johns and have them do the work by hand with the father in law supervising them. Window washing getting paid by the window, etc

4) Move in with the in laws and have hubby to stop correspondence for a few months. No money coming in...what else can they do besides mooch?

5) Carry the bros in law to the employment office and tell them to go to work or they won't be fed by you. Stop sending money and send a limited supply of food, and low quality at that. (emphasis on limited)

6) Ask them for help paying YOUR rent/ house payment and watch their reaction.

These are just a few ideas that come to mind in a time span of 2 minutes, get creative and see what you can come up with.

Answer 3

The in-laws will continue to take advantage until he says NO.
If he's not willing to do that, then he's not taking his marriage seriously enough... even the Bible says that a man will leave his parents and cling to his WIFE... his wife, NOT his mother. His obligation NOW is to YOU and your CHILD.

You are not alone. People do this crap all the time. You are going to have to put your foot down, and it won't be pleasant but it will be the right thing. Everybody else in that household should be able to pull together and find the money, but they WON'T do that until your husband STOPS sending them money. Even his mother should know better, but she apparently doesn't, so it's down to you. This is a fight worth having.

Answer 4

I understand that he wants to help his mother out, after all she's been supporting him most his life. But she needs to respect the fact that he has his own family now, and she should go after the other siblings who live with her for financial support.

The thing I don't understand is why his mother is asking him for so much money? If they all work, why don't they have enough money? Maybe they should cut down their expenses, and let their son take care of HIS family!

Answer 5

wow that must be rly hard to have you new husband at war! my brother is right now so i can relate. and i know how you feel about the money. it was the same situation with my grandmother. none of her sons except my dad would send her any money. but he kept on faithfully sending money. eventually the other brothers started helping as well. just keep doing the right thing even when no one else is. if you make a really big deal out of it, it will eventually get back to your mother in law and she will feel horrible. you are doing the right thing.

Answer 6

Tell him--"we have a family on the way. You must take care of US first before your mom's household. That's part of growing up--it's time that they handle their own $ problems and you two need to start saving ASAP"

Then I would tell her--"Not trying to be disrespectful but you are financially draining us by continually asking for money. We have a child on the way and we really need to start getting our own life right on track. If she pitches a fit, let her know that there are many capable adults & able bodies in her house that money shouldn't be an issue for them but it is for you and your household because you have a child on the way"

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 7

Your husband needs to let his mother know that even though he has extra money, it is already budgeted for the baby and future expenses, like the purchase of a home or a college education. He is enabling his mother just like she is enabling her other two boys and nothing good will ever come of this. She needs to understand that it is building resentment and may damage relationships in the family.

Good luck!

Answer 8

There is no problem helping out a family member{once in a while}but,you and your child should always come first,you are his wife now and that's it.She is taking from your child and I would not have that,the two of you can not support a household of 7 then yours also,tell him it must stop,if he gets mad,tell him,your baby comes first,and believe me you will need all the money you can get.Hope things work out,CONGRATS ON THE BABY!!!

Answer 9

well since you are going to have a baby you should tell him to tell his side of the family that they should stop askig him for money whether they like it or not

you 2 need the money more than they do i'm sure because of your baby on the way and bills and groceries and whatever else you need around the house
good luck with your decision and congradulation on your first baby is it a girl or a boy

Answer 10

just hang in there gal. sounds like you married the right brother. at least hes doing something with himself.
as for his momma---- its his momma---. and you may have to just get thriftier in your shopping and save what you can on the sly. and i mean sly don't tell anyone. that way when he comes home y'all can have a little head start. or if you have an emergency----then you have a bit of $.
I wouldn't be bugging your man while hes in the mix of defending the country!!! he needs to focus on his here and now. and for him that's whats going on in his 24 hour day not yours.

always pay your self first 10% of the monthly net into a savings account.
then bills
then food & gas
then help whom ever.
and if your momma in law needs help, dont cut your self short.

keep your chin up and be strong.