Do most folks keep in touch with there divorces spouses?

Question

I'm my husband's third wife we have no children, he is great about spliting time with me and his first son from his first marriage. He meets his son every sunday at his first wife's house to spend the day with him. The son doesn't live with his mother it's just a place to meet (and he's renovation the house so the son doesn't have to work 40hours) If we go to a resturant than he has to make it up to his first son by taking him to a resturant. He never sees or speaks to his second son and second ex wife. But the first ex wife know everything about us where we vacation, work, drive, eat what kind of pets we have and were we spend christmas ect. We've been married for 23 years and I'm tried of his first ex wife being in my day to day life...I guess it will never stop and I should be happy that there all so happy together...

Answer 1

This statement bothers me: "If we go to a resturant than he has to make it up to his first son by taking him to a resturant".

What the heck...can you spot the problem?

Answer 2

I don't know about most people. A lot of people seem to be in some sort of a hostile situation with their ex-spouses. I have a good relationship with my former husband - we've been divorced for 7 years, but I consider him a friend; we have no kids. I spend about the same amount of time talking to me as I do talking to my other friends (which really isn't that much), and we have a general idea of each other's daily life. My husband has no problem with it, he had met my ex; I wouldn't pursue this friendship if my husband was uncomfortable with any of that; it's not that important. It would be different if there were kids involved - through the kids, I would most likely be in touch with the ex, and I most likely would talk to him about the goings-on of my daily life, just as I would with any other friend.

Answer 3

i would be glad that you have been married for 23 years to a man who is aware of his responsibilities, and and didn't just abandon the son we assume he wanted, when his marriage to his mother ended.
You don't say he is spending time with his 1st wife, so she probalby knows what you are doing, through the fact that her son is a mature and open enough chap, to talk to his mother.i would be delighted that 'the man that wanted you' is a good enough guy to have succesfully maintained a relationship with his son, and with his ex wife, to have raised a good son.
.
I'm not so sure about the ' we go to a restaurant, he has to take his son to make up'... he shouldn't be comparing each relationship and shouldn't be making it a competition between you and his son.it's not natural to take your son out to eat as often as your wife!
overall i think you are doing a good job and should stick with what you have!

Answer 4

I'd be concerned that he's still having a relationship with her as well, but after 23 years of putting up and shutting up, you pretty much have ruled yourself out as having any influence in the situation. Why can't he have the son over your house? The whole thing is a little absurd, don't you think?

Answer 5

Without having read your lengthy details, among most of my friends and relatives, divorced spouses do keep in touch.

BTW, the word in your "main" question should be "their"; I won't bother with the other grammatical errors (life's too short to read such novellas!).

Answer 6

No I hate this to and my husbands alwasy in contact with her but what makes me even more angry is how she talks to him like so when are you going to be with me and your daughter she is a skank I am sorry to say but my husband wants to keep her in his life I hate it with a passion and it hurts sometimes. But I think I kind of like you where I just have to live with it and you have to let her be nosy but hey you know what you benifit from is that you know he loves you and that she is so jealous if you that it hurts her in her teeth.

Answer 7

It took you 23 years to ask this question?

Answer 8

Sounds like a lot of drama in your life. Too bad you didn't think through all this before you said "I DO".

Answer 9

Statistically speaking no, they don't.

Answer 10

Spouse 1: “I’ve had enough.”
Spouse 2: “I’m sick of this.”
Spouse 1: “I’m finished.”
Spouse 2: “I’m out of here.”
Spouse 1 and 2: “But our children still need us both!”

The decision to divorce is a complex and painful one for all who face marital crisis. Typically, misunderstanding, hurt, and anger have been part of the couple dynamics for a long time before the decision is made. When the marriage involves children, the relationship is never really over, but the roles must change.

Form a Parenting Partnership
I hope you know some “unique” couples. You know who I’m talking about. Those divorced spouses who still seem to like each other as friends. People often wonder why they got divorced in the first place because they appear to get along so well. In truth, they have worked hard at developing a parenting partnership for the sake of their children. It is not something that happens overnight and certainly not at the beginning of the divorce process. It involves continued effort and commitment throughout the developmental stages of their children’s lives. Even if you had a miserable marriage, you need not be stuck with a horrible divorce relationship.

Perhaps you think, “We never communicated well in the marriage, why would we start doing any better now?” If so, your motivation for communication needs to shift. The children who fare best in the long term, post-divorce, are those with two parents who cooperate and maintain a supportive relationship. Even if you did not choose the divorce, you can choose to increase the odds that your children will have a positive outcome.

Divorced parents are usually put to the test when communicating about visitation, schedules, money, medical issues, holidays, friends, grades, and kid problems—in other words, life. Those “delightfully different” couples who cannot live together but seem to get along post-divorce have spent time and effort developing rules and honing their communication skills.

Ground Rules to Developing a Parenting Partnership



Create a vision and stay focused. Foster a mindset that your shared children need a healthy relationship with each of you into their adulthood. To preserve that ideal, you will have to avoid bad-mouthing the other parent or rigidly adhering to a schedule just in order to “win.”
Set boundaries. Messages should be direct between parents. If you are having difficulty reaching an agreement about an issue, give yourselves permission to think it through when you can both cool off. Most co-parenting decisions are about planning. Can you agree on a regular time to communicate with each other? Can you decide on the optimal method of communicating? (In person at a neutral place, by phone, by fax, by e-mail?)
Be respectful. Treat your parenting partner politely, as you would a colleague or a co-worker. Be thoughtful about the language you use in discussing difficult topics regarding your children. Avoid labeling the other parent and your children.
Restrain yourself. Hold onto your anger, hurt, and frustration. It has no place in front of your ex-spouse or your children. Develop a separate support network of friends, family, and/or a counselor/minister that gives you a safe opportunity to vent without having to manage the after effects! This network should discourage you from retaliating or undermining the co-parenting framework.


Cooperative Communication 101



Preparation. Pre-plan your words before making contact with the other parent. Anticipate the trouble spots when possible and prepare yourself for those points. In some partnerships, it is useful to send ahead an agenda to keep the communication on topic and concise.
Organization. Stick with the original purpose of the communication. If you need to discuss car pool schedules, don’t try to slip in a shot about two-year-old unpaid medical bills.
Attention. Active listening requires intense concentration. This cannot be achieved while you are simultaneously planning your comeback line.
Acceptance. Let’s face it; you have less influence over your ex-spouse’s habits now than you did when you lived together. There are many ways to raise emotionally healthy children—and your ex-spouse will likely have a different way. Invest your energy on managing your own rules, rituals, and customs at your house.
Clarification. At the close of your conversation, try to summarize the main points. Strive to settle any miscommunications before you end the conversation.


A Party of One?
We understand that you might feel stressed about your ex-spouses ability to “play by the rules.” Be patient. It will always be in your children’s interest that you behave well. Never give up hope that you will be able to negotiate and cooperate. Persist in modeling appropriate, polite, and respectful behavior towards your co-parent.

At the very least, your attitude will teach your children that it is important to try to get along with others. At the very best, wouldn’t it be wonderful to be unique like some couples who participate together, or separately, but cordially, in the many milestones of their children’s lives—where the children aren’t filled with dread but are able to focus on their own special moment? We recognize that it is continual effort, and incredibly hard work, but we know your children will thank you for it in the long run.

Ann Benjamin, M.Ed., and Lisa L. Marotta, Ph.D., are counselors who enjoy encouraging families to make healthy life choices every day. The Offices of Paul Tobin, Ph.D., and Ann Benjamin, M.Ed., in Edmond. This particular article they dedicate to their friend and colleague, Susan Lasuzzo-Papa.
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