I can't date. How can I get around this?

Question

I've developed a personality disorder that won't allow to date. They are driven away by my personality and other problems that have come up over time. I'm not interested in fixing my personalty anymore since I've wasted over half my life trying to do so with no results. Women have never really liked me. Even my own mother walked out on me after Dad died 14 years ago. It's just been one horrible disaster after another. I really don't like their personalities. It doesn't seem to matter where you go. I've learned to live without most things. I've gotten over needing a family or religion. I've gotten over needing most material things. Now I just need to get over wanting a girlfriend and my track to happiness will be complete. I do not want to date anyone. I want to get rid of these physical needs to sleep with women. It's not that I hate women. It's just that I understand it will not work without more effort than I'm willing to put into it. I want a way to feel better about being alone.

I've been told that wanting to remove myself from society like this is wrong. That man wasn't built to be that way. It's just the way I feel based on the feedback I've gotten from the world around me. When I'm forced to be around people for long periods of time my attitude degrades. I feel better alone but still have a physical need to be with a girl. If I could do away with that then my transformation would be complete. I could die alone and happy.

I also do not want to pay for sex.

Answer 1

People, relax. I think you guys are overanalyzing this guy. Perhaps the simple reason the Original Poster only wants sex is because he's never had a date materialize or work out in the past, and because perhaps he's a virgin that just wants to experience--for once--what many of us get to have on a regular basis. I have a friend who's 27 and a virgin and he feels "left out" and bitter more than anything that there's kids as young as literally half his age having sex.

As far as his "personality disorder," you cannot really comment it unless you know the OP or unless the OP has explained this in more detail. Look, it's obvious that the OP has detrimentally low self esteem. Perhaps his "personality disorder" is simply an exaggerated way of saying that girls don't find him interesting or worthy enough to date, therefore he must have something wrong with who he is.

Some of you said that he is "wrong" to not want to change. If he is a sociopath saying this, yes I'd say it is very wrong for him to not want to change. But my gut instinct tells me that this isn't a sociopath...this is simply an outcasted boy who tried too hard to fit in throughout his life, just to get called a "poseur" or still excluded. When he says that he doesn't want to change himself, it could mean that he is in denial about his faults, but it could also mean that he's tired of trying to be someone else, if being someone else doesn't even work for him.

The reason I'm defending the OP is because quite frankly, he sounds a lot like my best guy friend, who claims to be "abnormal" and "have a personality disorder" when in reality he's a sweet guy with jack sh.it for self-esteem or dating experience. When I first read this, I actually thought my guy friend wrote it until I read the part about the OP's dad dying 14 yrs ago(my friend's dad is still alive).

To the OP: My advice is...for the long-term, focus on hobbies and activities that you both enjoy and are good at. Perhaps you will meet girls at these activities, and you will already have a bonus because you'll share a common interest in her.

Also, you NEED TO WORK ON YOUR ESTEEM. How can you expect anyone to like you, if you don't even like yourself?? Fixing your esteem should be your FIRST priority. If you're anything like my guy friend, I doubt you are ugly, stupid, poor/destitute, or unfunny...your biggest problem is PROBABLY your low esteem and the dejected way you carry yourself. Do you slouch and look at the ground, or do you try to walk high and tall like a proud soldier?...Work on body language such as posture. Are you the type that gets flustered and nervous when talking in front of people?...Perhaps you should invest in a speech therapist or a public speaking class. Also, indulging time in hobbies that you enjoy will raise your esteem because it is something that you are good at. Plus, it'll take your mind off being self-conscious.

Do you have any good guy friends that you trust? Perhaps you could see if they could set you up with one of their girlfriends' friends. If you are still young & in your partying years, scout out your friends for any good parties. As bad as this sounds...drunken sorority parties and the like are easy places to meet quick hook-ups, if that's what you're looking for. However, you sound so defeated and dejected, that I honestly doubt that even a huge sorority party would work beneficially for you. You need to get your confidence up first!

Counselling might also be beneficial, especially if you are convinced that you have a personality disorder. Even if the "disorder" turns out to be nothing more than a bad case of low self-esteem, perhaps a psychologist can help with that. Perhaps it'll help to vent. If you have so much time to post 100+ questions on the net about why you don't have a gf or why girls don't like you, I bet it's because you keep your feelings to yourself in "real life" and you use the Internet as your "security blanket," an annonymous place for you to vent. Other than the Internet, HAVE you vented about your feelings or problems?...that's where a psychologist can help.

In the short run...maybe you SHOULD look at getting an escort. I know this doesn't sound like good advice but...if you're over the age of 23 and you're still a not-by-choice virgin, perhaps it would raise your esteem to get that one first-time sexual experience. I know that some virgins-by-default feel inferior by their lack of experience or embarrassed. So maybe this would help. LOL this is the advice that a chief police officer gave me about my dateless best guy friend.

Answer 2

Forget right and wrong and think healthy and unhealthy. You are seriously damaged and until you figure out how to be responsible about your well-being (psychological, mental, spiritual as well as physical) you're doomed. These conditions get worse vs. better with the passing of time precisely because you get more and more isolated and needy.

People owe you nothing, not companionship, not liking you, not even feeling sorry for you since you apparently don't seem to want to change. Your so-called physical needs to have sex are more emotional than physical. It's an addiction, and there is nothing at all appealing about having sex with someone who's in it to satisfy an addiction.

Your options are simple: get help and work the program or continue your slide into the depths of alienation and mental illness.

PS it's possible to be alone without feeling lonely but we all need real human connections, not just sex, to feel human. Grow up, take responsibility, get help. See how easy it can be?

Answer 3

You can't get over the physical need to sleep with women, unless you castrate yourself...which I'm assuming you don't want to do.
So the best you can do for now is love yourself. And I think you know what I mean by that.
But seriously, NOBODY can be alone like that for so long! You should find somebody or something to have an emotional connection with. Maybe a pet? That sounds glib, but a dog can really be a man's best friend.

Answer 4

a sense of belonging is a basic need in any human being.
you may ignore that need now, and think that you can avoid that need by becoming asexual, but you will find that you are wrong. Eventually that need will come to the forefront in your life and you will be just as ill equipped to face it then as you are now. If as you say, you have a personality disorder, I would suggest you put more energy into making a better more balanced person of yourself, or you will literally be searching for something outside yourself that doesn't exist, for the rest of your life.

Answer 5

There's nothing wrong with being alone. It's important for people to learn to be self-sufficient and content with who they are. However, it's also unhealthy for you to alienate yourself completely from everyone, as I'm sure you're aware. You simply haven't met people who understand you in the way you deserve to be. I'm curious about the personality disorder you mention, as I myself have an anxiety disorder that sometimes prohibits me from enjoying the type of social life I'd like to have. But if you ever feel like talking, e-mail me. It's [e-mail]. Please take care of yourself. Best wishes and happy holidays, from Laura...

Answer 6

I'm sorry to hear you have a problem. I think that it is possible to be happy with a women. You just need to find the the one women who will love you for who you are and be willing to work with your condition.

I am a firm believer that there is someone for everyone. Good Luck111

Answer 7

There is greatness in solitude. Sit, close your eyes. See the universe before you. We are all alone. All that you will ever need is in your mind, body and soul.

Answer 8

dont take this the wrong way, but since you dont want anything to do with actually having a relationship, have you considered just going to Nevada or somewhere and sleeping with a prostitute. u get the sex, but no attachment, since ur disorder wont allow that. its the only solution i can see since you can't have relationships with women and ovbiously aren't gay. hope this helped