Been w/ wife for 15 years, last summer had a falling out she sought company elsewhere (read affair). Recently, we decided to try to work it out - talked to, confronted & forgave each other, why we drifted apart & how we can rebuild, etc, etc. Been a little over a month & seems we are doing well.
Problem is: my wife’s cheating partner is 500mi away & calls to him have stopped, but in her dresser I found some pictures of him left from when the affair was going on.
Should I confront her about this & how? Isn’t this a double standard? I feel I’ve violated her trust by snooping. If you are committed to rebuilding a marriage wouldn’t you cut off all contact & get rid of anything that you shared during your affair like e-mails, letters, pictures, etc.? Am I missing something?
2007-12-18 06:06:29 · 25 answers · asked by Kaishu 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
When a person cheats they are on a short leash for a VERY long time. If she isn't willing to be on a short leash, she is still playing games. She may not be cheating, but she is still hanging on to the part of her that WAS cheating.
Were you snooping? Do you have a reason to be in her dresser? Is it community dresser or HERS?
You will find what you are looking for. She may have cheated because you accused her anyway.
Here's what you do:
Sit down with her and tell her you made a mistake. Tell her you are working on trusting her again,and you failed. Tell her you are guilty, you snooped. You wish you hadn't and you feel really bad. Then stop. Look at her like she has something to tell you.
If she doesn't tell you about the pictures and OFFER to get rid of them, TELL her you saw them, and it bothers you.
Ask her to get rid of them. Tell her it hurts you and worries you.
Tell her the truth! You want the truth from her, give it to her.
Accept nothing less.
If she was getting real emotion, real truth, real intimacy at home, chances are she wouldn't go outside to get it. She might, but give it a shot.
Women cheat for intimacy, for being valued, not sex.
Men generally cheat for sex.
Tell her what you want: I want you to get rid of all that stuff--all of it. I want you to really give this a shot. I want to KNOW that is what you want.
If you don't get it at this stage, you won't get it later on.
2007-12-18 06:36:40 · answer #1 · answered by Lottie W 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she has truly cut ties with this guy then she hasn't a reason to keep these photos. I think you need to confront her with these photos so what if you were in her drawer you have been cheated on and want to rebuild this marriage and your trust is not fully back yet.
I think if anything she is not over this fling and thinks of him often. I think she is confused she doesn't know what she wants you or him.
Maybe it is time to talk and to tell her that if she doesn't want to be with you anymore then you need to split it is best to be free and well open to your feelings then to feel trapped and miserable.
Maybe this fling has made her realize that her love for you is gone most people who truly love each other do not have affairs.
She may need to be let go mate. Consider both your happiness and choose wisely where to go from here.
God Bless and Best Wishes
2007-12-18 06:29:19 · answer #2 · answered by Livinrawguy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Violated her trust? Trust in what? You not observing whats around you? There should be no such thing as secrets between two people that are married. If I was you I would throw them away, and if she comes at you throwing a hissy fit over them then something is not right. Me, personally, I have 0 tolerance for that. If she was sincere about starting over she would've got rid of all the past memorabilia of her dark liasions with some other guy. No youre not missing anything, you are right. Throw them away or hide them from her, and see what she says.
2007-12-18 06:25:03 · answer #3 · answered by layn da smckdwn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't really see how you were snooping by looking in a dresser in your home - unless you were purposely looking for something....... But, I wouldn't think anything of looking in my husband's drawer or him looking in my drawer. If I found something odd, then I'd ask about it. In your case, just tell her you ran across these photos and would feel more comfortable if she would destroy them now that the two of you are on better footing and he is out of the picture.
2007-12-18 06:23:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
if someone is really committed to making their relationship work, they should be willing to let go of everything to pertains to the other person. since she is the one who had the affair, i think you have every right to snoop. you have only been back together for a month and right now you need that conformation that she is not still doing wrong. i would call her out on it.
2007-12-18 06:57:13 · answer #5 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
HI! EVERYONE IN THIS PLANET HAVE PROBLEMS. WE LEARN FROM THEM. #1 MAYBE SHE FORGOT THAT SHE HAD THE PICTURE, AS IT WAS HIDDEN. I HID MY WEDDING RING CAUSE SOME VISITOR WAS STAYING AT HOME, THEN I FORGOT WHERE I HAD PUT IT, I FOUND IT 3 MONTH AFTER. #2- I WOULD PRAY ABOUT IT FIRST BEFORE CONFRONTING HER. GOD IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN MAKE PEOPLE CHANGE IF YOU HAVE THAT LITTLE FAITH OF A MUSTARD SEED. THATS ALL YOU NEED. LISTEN, ON YEAR 2000, I WAS A CANCER PATIENT(TERMINAL, MY FAMILY SEPERATED MY CASKET, CANCER WAS ALL OVER MY (LIVER , LEFT LUNG, STOMACH, INTESTINES,HEAD ETC) THE DAY I SPOKE TO THE LORD, THAT I CAN DO EVERYTHING THRU CHRIST, I ACCEPTED HIM, HE MADE A MIRACLE SO INPOSSIBLE FOR ANYONE. I STARTED GETTING BETTER.....IN TWO MONTH THEY DID EXAMS, AND THEY COULDN,T BELIEF. BUT LIKE IT SAY, WHAT IS IMPOSIBLE FOR US, FOR GOD NOTHING IS IMPOSIBLE.////AFTER YOU PRAY, SO HE WILL GIVE YOU THE TIME AND SERENITY TO SPEAK TO HER. BUT DO IT WITH ALL YOUR HEART. G.A.P. < GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS. #3- MARRIAGE COUNSELING IS A MUST, BE CAREFUL WHO YOU GET, IT SHOULD BE PEOPLE THAT HAVE LOVE OF GOD WITHIN THEM. IF YOU HAVE LOVE , THATS WHAT YOU TRANSMIT. SO GOOD LUCK, I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. MERRY CHRISTMAS
2007-12-18 06:31:37 · answer #6 · answered by livingmiracle 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hopefully you both naturally have reason to be in each others drawers. (sorry, unintentional pun) If that be the case, it needs to be brought out into the open. You both need to know where you're both coming from.
ie: Why she continues to keep the photos...And how it affects you. All one need do is put oneself in the other's position. That's an excellent guide of making a decision for oneself.
I hope there's a good explanation for you both. Best Wishes.
2007-12-18 06:20:16 · answer #7 · answered by iyamacog 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Hell yeah u should ask her about it, just say u were looking for something and came through that. I would ask right away, I've been married almost 8 years and if it ever came down to that, it's either questions or I'd just throw that pic in the trash and let him come up to me and ask me about it!
2007-12-18 06:14:55 · answer #8 · answered by acia 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't really consider a dresser drawer to be private space. My husband and I are in each other's all the time putting away laundry.
I think you are right to be pissed. I think you should tell her you found them and ask her why she still has them. Does she have any more? Is she REALLY out of contact or has she just found a way to hide it from you?
2007-12-18 06:11:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Yes, I would confront her about it, if you don't it will eat you up. I would be tactful in doing so, but I would ask her why it's there. If you were the one with a picture of a woman, you can rest assured that she would be asking you as well !
2007-12-18 06:24:32 · answer #10 · answered by Keeper 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋