My husband's chief complaint about me is that no matter what he does it isn't good enough, and that I don't appreciate the things he does...I only notice the things he doesn't do.
Example: I got home after being gone for three days on a business trip. There were dishes in the sink from dinner the night before, every outfit our younger two children wore to school each day were on the bathroom floor, no laundry was done, and the cat box hadn't been cleaned for three days!!! GROSS!!! I didn't say anything about it when I first got home other than telling our oldest daughter to clean the litter box, as it is her chore. Later that night, my husband could tell I was irritated and asked what was wrong. I told him that it is hard to feel appreciated or look forward to coming home when this is what I have to look forward too. He said...just like always! You didn't notice or appreciate what I did while you were gone...you only noticed what wasn't done!
Seriously? Was I in the wrong??
2007-12-18 05:33:59 · 15 answers · asked by ladybug 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I can see both sides of the story and I have been in your place before. I can be critical and I am a perfectionist but I also don't expect anything from him that I wouldn't and haven't done.
On one hand, you have to know that things are not going to be done to your level and that some things won't be done at all but at the same time you have a right to have some expectations.
As far as him turning it around on you, that is an old trick to get you on the defensive to get him out of hot water. Don't let him do it. He isn't a fool and he certainly can see the cat box was full, that filthy clothes shouldn't be on the floor etc..,
2007-12-18 05:42:41 · answer #1 · answered by wondermom 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Mom's tend to run households and when they go away.....lol the house doesn't get run it gets "kept from burning to the ground!"
My husband is clueless when it comes to managing the day to day operation of our home -- he knows the bills, the lawn schedule, and when the car needs to be tuned.....but he has no idea what time each child needs to be up by to get out the door to school, how to get two loads of laundry done, dinner ready, kids bathed....etc etc etc.
I travel for business every so often and when I come back it has a tendency to look a wee bit like nuclear warfare has occurred....and the house was the site of the last losing battle. But the up side is.....the kids had fun with Dad, everyone is alive, and the insurance company did not need to be called for a major home accident. I'm okay with that!
Don't knock him for not meeting your standards -- he probably has no clue how on earth you get all the things done in a day because he doesn't posess the ability to "Mommy multi-task".
As long as there is no blood and no fire damage....Dad did a good job!
2007-12-18 13:59:34 · answer #2 · answered by Susie D 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That depends---did he do anything while you were gone other than hold down the fort and take good care of the kids in your absense like a good daddy should? Your daughter is to blame for not doing her chore in your absense, and the girls also understand (I hope) that the dirty clothes belong somewhere else. Who cares about dishes, they will get done. Seems like your beef is with the wrong person here. Instead of being that irritated you could have said that you'd appreciate it if he had done some laundry while you were away, but thanks for the great job he did with the kids. It's all in your perception. Look at things in a different way.
2007-12-18 13:38:52 · answer #3 · answered by Marina 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Nope, I sometimes feel the same way. My husband says I expect him to do stuff. Which I do. I expect him to replace my breaks on my car why should we pay some one else to do it when he can do it ? He expects me to wash his clothes. What is the big praise they need when they take out the trash? Yet the rest of the house is a pig pen due to them and of course your expecting to much.
I have 2 cats and I have to say I left for 2 days and my husband did not clean the litter either the smell from the litter box hit you in the nose as I walked in the door. I could not believe it would rather smell it then clean it. (I had the litter mate where he could have just tossed the tray) They are lazy.
2007-12-18 14:14:16 · answer #4 · answered by Kat G 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hello, I am writing this to you with a open Heart towards you and your Husband. There is no right or wrong in this world, only choices we all make everyday. That is great , because you can always choose again. I understand both points of view, and I think that you both want the same thing," FEELING APPRECIATED". If we took time to look at what it is that we can give to one another, rather that what we can get, our relationships with each other would change for the better overnight. This may not be what you want to hear, but if you want to be respected, YOU must respect others, if you want to feel appreciated, YOU must appreciated others, if you want to feel loved, YOU must be the first to love. The YOU I speak about is you, your husband, and all you's in this world. Start now , this moment to appreciate others first, before you find fault. This also goes for your husband, he is 100% responsible for 50% of this relationship as you are. He does not get to say anything to you about not appreciating him, when he himself is not showing appreciation towards you. I write this to you , in hopes that you can see a way out of these unappreciated feeling. You are the angel that was sent to this earth to bring life, we as women are here to nurture those around us. Step into this role and be the magnificent women you already are. MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND HAPPY NEW YEAR. GREAT APPRECIATION FROM ME TO YOU.
2007-12-18 14:14:21 · answer #5 · answered by bonnie f 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think in any relationship it is hard to balance it all. He did spend three days with the children while you were gone, and although he didnt wash the dishes and pick up the clothes, he still spent time with your children. Women tend to try to be supermom and do everything, but if I were you, I would appreciate that your husband helps out at all.
2007-12-18 13:46:20 · answer #6 · answered by saundrakay1977 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not at all! You are not wrong! There is nothing wrong with expecting the house to be in decent, livable shape when you return home after three days on a business trip. That's just common courtesy to not leave the house like that for the other person. He's using the old line of "you don't appreciate what I do" as a way of trying to put this back onto you, thereby taking the heat off him. And he's in effect teaching your daughters to do the same thing by not helping himself of asking them to hold up to their chores.
2007-12-18 13:40:03 · answer #7 · answered by nonameblonde 6 · 1⤊ 3⤋
A typical defensive maneuver to shift focus off of him and onto you. It's really up to you how far you are willing to let him go with this.
Get some counseling. Any professional psychologist will recognize his tactic in a second and you need the outside opinion to break the cycle.
You are not wrong. Keep calling it like it is.
2007-12-18 13:44:32 · answer #8 · answered by lunatic 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes, for a guy taking care of two kids, dinner and working is alot to ask. You should appreciate what was done...nobody is perfect and sometimes things can get missed when people are busy.
2007-12-18 13:43:44 · answer #9 · answered by jjmoose2001 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
don't assume that while you are gone that your husband will do all the things you expect...we are not made that way...remember your man will never be a good woman...so don't expect him to be one...but I agree with you; he should have done more...my solution would be...leave a list of things to do next time; you have to leave...at the bottom write love you, if you want me when I get back...handle these things for me...I bet it will be done...all he needs is the right motivation...
2007-12-18 13:41:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋