Lives wind blows through
Another kid born
His life not decided
Moms problems collided
Dad backs out
doesn’t call
doesn’t look
Another page in an endless book
Kid gets older
Life gets colder
His troubles pile high
Stacks that reach the sky
Mom tried to care
Dad not there
Life not fare
A constant prayer
As life goes on
His troubles show
He finds his foes
He reaches his lows
He meats a girl
Thinks its love
But when push comes to shove
She rises above
She looks away
She doesn’t call
Another day in hell
When people got close
He pushed them away
When he loved her the most
She kept him at bay
His life fell to crumbles
His heart shattered and blown astray
What has come of this lonely day?
_______________________________________________
This is a lyrical poem.
tell me what you think...
2007-12-18 05:24:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
rate from 1/10 10 being the best
2007-12-18 06:03:36 · update #1
OUCH!! Good one....but, try to revise it with happy colliding with bad colliding with happy.
You see, an 'all' bad things poem(even though true) are readable, but if you intersperse good things that happened, then end with him thinking of the good parts...as a way to offset the bad...it leaves the reader with a feeling that there just may be hope for him.
Just a humble opinion...Merry, Merry!
Elysabeth...poemhunter.com
2007-12-18 05:58:24 · answer #1 · answered by Elysabeth 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a good one... Damn.. I tried to write one but it turned out to be terrible. And I mean it when I say terrible. LOL. Keep up your good work. Good luck!
2007-12-18 13:52:19 · answer #2 · answered by me_eressea 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have strong skills. Your meter and rhyme scheme are very delicately measured. I love this one! TD
2007-12-18 13:58:44 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i thik that theres more that u can include but over all i liked it alot good job with it
2007-12-18 13:33:00 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, first to answer...
im a poet myself, & i thoguht that this poem was pretty good if you ask me. =)
2007-12-18 13:31:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋