We are in love. I have 2 kids who welcome him and are loving getting to know him. He has an 11 year old daughter who will not even discuss my existence with him. She shuts down and ignores him. So we haven't even met yet. He's been divorced 4 years...me a lot longer. I know this isn't an easy thing for a child...I was her exact age when my parents got divorced.
We have been talking about marriage...but our whole relationship seems to be in a holding pattern because of this issue. I want to be supportive of my love and his precious and vunerable daughter. but I feel as if she's running the show so to speak...she is getting exactly what she wants. Daddy to herself...and stopping an unwelcome change.She will never like the idea of me...especially if she doesn't even know me. Help? What do I tell my love? what advice can anyone give us?
What is the right thing to do for his daughter?
2007-12-18 03:56:37 · 15 answers · asked by truthceekr 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First of all the two of you cannot let yourselves be held hostage by her. But you cannot make her love you either.
My best advise is be patient and make sure the two of you do not forget who is the adults in this relationship.
Merry Christmas. I will pray for you.
2007-12-18 04:01:52 · answer #1 · answered by box of rain 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You should know what it is like not having a father around and going through an abandonment divorce since it happened to you. Try to empathasize with the little girl. You do dot want to have a bad relationship with her.
If you force the marriage there will be drama forever.
She is getting ready to go through the teen years and that is a hard time for most girls anyway..remember being 14?
If you guys are in love, then your love will stand the test of time. You can marry later.
I would't force the relationship. Let them adjust to you gradually, with less drama. Before you know it, you all will be a big happy family.
2007-12-18 12:32:44 · answer #2 · answered by heartsarebad 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The truth is if you love him and support his life with his daughter it might take some more time before things come together...Remember, she is just 11 and not 21 where she can sort through her feelings on her own...She is still a child and as long as he is willing to work with his daughter so that things are done right then If I was you I would stand by the both of them...My children just met their dad's girlfriend and their half brother this past July after their dad was in a relationship with her for almost three years...I'm not going to say it was easy for their relationship but, it was something that was best for our kids...For that our children have learned to embrace her little by little and we have a decent communication because of it...But, if you continue to force her to acceot you and your plans for a future together then she won't and it seems like as much as he loves you he lives by his daughter...She's not controlling his life or his choices.. She is a huge part of him and no matter what he has to make thing right for her so she can be apart of your life together with him...Try praying on this and god willl amaze you with much blessings..Don't give up on him or her because in the long run you will look back on it and be glad that you stayed...God Bless and be well....
2007-12-18 12:29:21 · answer #3 · answered by Yvette D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well he should have let you meet her shortly after you guys realized the relationship was getting serious...What he can do is have a little dinner with you and her sorry you are going to have to have a one on one with out your kids....It is going to take while because she has been center of attention for a long time and she is gong to have to get use to the idea that there are other people in this world other than her...See if the mother will help get this little girl to get her self acclimated to the new situation... If you don't get along with the mother this is going to be a big obstacle.... The two of you need to take her out and do stuff with her and let her make the moves to talk and ask question and try to be honest with her with out getting in to too much detail
2007-12-18 12:11:43 · answer #4 · answered by diva102288 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your already getting bad feelings for an 11 year old girl. Read your words. It's plain and clear.
Your boyfriend needs to make the move on bringing you all together and having you all spend time together. It's his place to be doing this. It could be your place to forceing the issue. She is daddy's little girl, and you need to stop being jealous of this. You are, even though you say you understand. And your blameing HER for the hold up on what you WANT! It's her fathers fault!!
2007-12-18 12:05:43 · answer #5 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, I think it is great that things are on hold for now... I mean if you're going to marry this man, you should be included in his whole life, he obviously isn't ready... If he was, he would be the parent and let the child be the child... I think it would be best if you talk to him and explain that you would like to come around, maybe dinner one night, and then maybe a week or so later, have them come over for dinner, head to a movie with all the kids, etc... Work your way into the rest of his life. I mean you can't get married and live in separate houses until his daughter feels ok with it. Just don't push her.
2007-12-18 12:05:02 · answer #6 · answered by Beatngu 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Let her adjust. This kinda thing is hard on kids. How long have you been dating this guy? Don't rush or force the meeting, the reason why you haven't met her is your boyfriend isn't ready either. My boyfriend has 2 kids (13 and 9) I haven't met them yet either but it shouldn't put your relationship at a stand still, that's another issue all together
2007-12-18 12:07:40 · answer #7 · answered by <> <3 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure his daughter feels like her mother is being replaced. So of course she is not going to be open to the idea of you. And since she's never met you, I'm sure she has the idea of an evil step mother in her head. You should meet her as soon as possible and make an effort to build a friendship with her. Let your children bond with her as well.
When I was younger (about the same age), I was very close to my uncle. I was very close minded to the idea of him getting married. It took me a little while but I finally realized that my new aunt was awesome. She and I are still very close.
2007-12-18 12:04:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You two should go ahead with your plans to marry. He needs to let his daughter know that he loves her and respects her opinion but he is an adult and will do as he sees best! She will respect him later for it. As far as the relationship between you and her.. No matter what you do at this point she is not going to like you or accept you. The father needs to arrange time for all of you to be together as frequent as possible. You should not try to be overly attentive, just natural. Don't try to be a mom to her, just a friend, you shouldn't try to disipline her at all until after you are married for some time and you have a close realtionship with her. Make sure dad spends some one on one time with her as well as with your children. She will probably be rude to you at first, don't accept that and talk to her dad about how you will handle it BEFORE you meet her. See what he suggests the plan be. You sound like a very smart caring woman and he is lucky to have someone like you that will be a part of his daughters life.
2007-12-18 12:18:54 · answer #9 · answered by thisaintall07 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well shame on your boyfriend for spoiling his brat rotten. However, she is not hopeless because she is only 11. And she can be trained. Take it upon yourself to initiate a relationship with her. Offer to take her shopping, tell her how beautiful she is. Concentrate on being her friend because she is too old for another mother right now. Offer to take her to movies and buy her things she likes. Children can be bribed very easily. Then work on talking to her about being sensitive and caring for other people. Make her realize that the world does not evolve around her. Because obviously your boyfriend did a terrible job at raising her! jeez
2007-12-18 12:09:13 · answer #10 · answered by Jessica C 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋