Does it Stop? (A Controlling....etc....Man.)?

Question

In anyone's experience... Can a man who actually GETS help stop being a controlling, drinking, abusive man? Mine is coming home from Prison soon, and has promised he's changed. I think the odds are against change in this situation, and I KNOW I can't change him. I've had it, and am TOO OLD to put up with his BS anymore, however, we've been together six years, and he's behaving so earnestly, I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt. Any thoughts? Has anyone out there actually been with a man who DID change his butthead ways and become a decent human being after taking classes and spending six months in prison for his actions, etc? I'm seriously wondering if I should bother anymore.

BTW, Box of Rain? I SAID I know I can't change him, and I have personally worked on MY growth as a human being. As for you, your response is questionable - WHY would you attack the victim in this situation? :) I'm simply asking if anyone has ever KNOWN a man like this, not a character asassination for ME - but hey, thanks woman hater :)

Further...WHY would I consider... yada yada...? He's incredibly handsome, amazingly charming, #1 at his six-figure income job, makes me scream in bed and looks deep into my eyes and "KNOWS" me...but sometimes he can be a bit of a b$#@ard when he's had a couple.... Therefore, I ask...

Answer 1

Some people change. But they still remain the same person. Ask yourself if he grew up. Prison can do it. Age can do it. But often, only dropping to the worst situation and getting back on your feet and restarting your life is the only way.

Controlling, drinking, abusive men have problems. The can be great when the problems are gone. But it can return when the stressers return.

I would be very very hesitant. If you give him a place to live, he will be nice for now. If he is really interested in being a changed man...he will do it on his own and earn your love.

You can test this theory. Ask him to get his own place. Give you time to see him in a new light. Ask him to prove through action and not words. If he gets angry....demands anything of you...including a place to stay or money or love...then you know he hasn't changed at all.

Afterall, a hungry dog will be nice to the person with food. But he will return to his real personality once his immediate needs are met. Trust your instinct.

A dog is a dog. If a dog bites, he will bite again most of the time.

Answer 2

Anything is possible, but in this case I think "unlikely" is more appropriate. He's been in a violent environment for the past 6mos. and somehow that doesn't sound like a "cure" for someone w/ his Abusive Behavior. Everyone "Changes & Find God" in Prison ! Isn't that Amazing?! And Yet, more than 75% end up right back in prison. Hmmmm. He's been Locked Up, he'll say Anything to have somewhere and someone to go to when he gets out. Just be Very Careful and Observent !! If You see ANY of the signs / behavior from before, GET OUT !! Or, don't let him back in when he's released. Good Luck !! Be Safe !!!

Answer 3

Will for me NO mine never did change, This is true. My husband and i have been together for 6mo and then got married one month after he went back to prison, now 4 years later. He gets out in this past May 07, he say he wants to work things out and that he had change for the better. Now he was very abusive to me and cheated all the time on me,Now in that 4 years he was gone i had met this man, who was caring, loving and good to me.When husband got out the man i was with thought i would leave for the husband (NOT) but we still ended breaking up will then the husband did help me but he still lied to me and all along he had got a girlfriend and living with her.But i never thought about getting back with him but NO HE NEVER DID ANY CHANGING HE STILL THE SAME OLD ****HOLE I KNEW THEN. I do believe people can change but they live life as they do in side prison which is so different then we know. I can only tell you it's not easy living with someone who goes to prison and gets out when they are abusive,liars,and cheaters and if they use drugs. I wish you all the luck in the world...Keep your head high :)

Answer 4

From my experience character, moral or even being a good man is completely irrelavant to almost all women. So good reason to get back with him, if not you some other woman will gladly take that. He's set in his ways and knows the power he has over you so no he wont even consider changing. Just put up with it, just leave him when he gets old and is no longer handsome, charming, and loses his ability in bed. Get what you can get now. :)

Answer 5

Yes it can change But they have to want to change

In my Experience i have seen some guys with anger and control issues change but they have to want to change

Yes the guy that i am with had some major anger issues and control issues and He DID Change. It didn't have to go that far as to prison term but i told him you either get help or i am gone i told him that if you get help i'll support you all the way but you are going to do it i won't do it for you

And he did, He Got Help went to anger Management and yes i supported him all the way and yet made him prove to me that the change was there to stay

And things are a lot better for us but it took time

If you wanna talk you can add me to yahoo messenger and we can talk i've been there i know what you are going through

Answer 6

Prison does not change an abusive man. If anything, it will make him harder and more abusive.

Intensive therapy with both a therapist and a psychiatrist is what it takes. It also takes years of that therapy to have any effect and it is only sometimes successful.

I suggest that you tell him that you do not want him back.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 7

Well, what is it going to take for you to see? I mean when is enough, well... enough? I couldn't see being with an abusive man... I guess time will tell, but what happens when that one night after years of doing well, he gets drunk and beats you until an inch of your life... Is that going to be forgiven because it hasn't happen in a few years? I see that you say you've been together for 6 years, but you don't state married.... I would say go find yourself and then a good man... there are quite a bit out there!

Answer 8

you hear comments like a leopard doesn't change his spots, but that is on the outside and in humans what really counts is what is on the inside.

wwjd?

he would forgive, knowing that all people make mistakes and can truly be remorseful. in that remorse many people do make changes that are for the better. it would be wise for both of you to enter counseling upon his release to work on the issues that were hurting both of you.

if the tables were turned would you want to be given the chance to prove yourself? i know i would. it takes effort on both sides to make the changes that are needed to work things out.

patience and communication are most important in bringing about a change.

Answer 9

You need to stop thinking in terms of changing him and start thinking about changing yourself.

Exactly why is it you would even consider being with a man like this? Is a self esteem issue or substance abuse issue with yourself?

You know already that you deserve better, so why is it YOU are not striving and making the changes in YOUR life for the better?

Good luck. Try going to Al-anon and/or AA. Which ever is most appropriate for you.

Answer 10

well, my experience was slightly different as I didn't meet the man until after he changed his ways but yes, he changed his ways. While he was in jail he found religion and stopped drinking and by the time I met him his life was totally different. He had turned everything around.
I think it totally depends on the person. You could give this guy another shot if you want but keep your eyes WIDE open and do not ignore the warning signs.