Am I being “put in my place”?

Question

I got engaged in May of last year. The planning was a whirlwind of chaos. Suddenly my fiancé lost his job and because of an earlier accident will need surgery. He didn’t want me to cancel our plans, which we had to with no money coming in on his side and he is now not setting a new date, though he does talk about “our wedding”. If pressed, he’ll yell at me and tell me I am being selfish for asking. So I don’t anymore. Before we met, he dated his sister in law’s sister. Her picture is still in his Mom’s livingroom being as she IS family and all. Now it’s been decided or rather I’ve been told, when he goes for his surgery he’s asked his sister in law to go to the hospital and take care of him. He said I work and can’t get time off and she offered so he accepted. Then he was telling me how he filled out paperwork and while he put me as an emergency contact he did not put me down as his beneficiary. Until now, he always did. He was saying that his sister in law pointed out that we’re not married and even though we live together, I am not entitled to any of his assets should anything happen, because I am not his wife and his blood family should get anything. Ok. Fine. I have my OWN stuff I don’t want his. I depend on his income and we live as husband and wife. Until now, no one’s seemed to have an issue. I do suspect he has issues with being told what to do, she is always right, she knows what she’s talking about. He will even go to her with advice I’ve given him and takes hers over mine. She’s not even older or wiser… or even has a job of her own, she lives off his brother. Should I run far and fast from this situation or just accept it and love him anyway? HELP… I don’t know how to read this…

Answer 1

Who is he engaged to?
It sounds to me like he has chosen who he wants for his "family."
If he is needing surgery, and wants his family with him-hasn't he told you who his family IS!?
HE YELLS AT YOU FOR ASKING ABOUT YOUR WEDDING, BUT NOT ABOUT PAYING FOR HIS UPKEEP?
He can make you beneficiary-he can make a homeless bum his beneficiary--if he chooses. If he dies without a will, or designated beneficiary, his mother or brother will inherit. The state will get half. NOwhere is sister-in-law's sister. She is NOT family, anymore than YOU are.
He chooses to listen to, be persuaded by, and comforted by someone who doesn't support him, who isn't his fiance, and who doesn't live with him. Why? WHY???
What do you give him again? OH yeah, his money to live, his food, his warm bed, a nice warm place to land while he is laid up. He doesn't even have to work.
My feeling is he is working you until he gets on his feet and can leave you for this other woman.
Have a little chat with him. Tell him if you are his fiancee, you will be his beneficiary, you will be there to comfort him and she will disappear from your radar, or you ain't playing anymore.
If he gets mad at you, or throws a fit,Leave him now.

Answer 2

I am sorry, but this woman is a manipulative, homewrecking *****. Your relationship is none of her business, she should not have gotten involved in it right from the start. It almost seems as though she is trying to win him back for her sister? I would not trust her at all, her behaviour is completely unacceptable and digusting.

This is your fiance, the man whom you've been with through thick and thin. You stood by his side when times got tough, and you have a ring on your finger to prove that you both plan to spend the rest of your lives together. An engagement is more than enough - love should be enough to put you as the beneficiary. Aren't you considered common law anyhow?

I think it is terrible that your fiance would treat you with such disrespect. You need to talk to him about how this woman is destroying your relationship, maybe he doesn't realize it. Give him an ultimatum - your future as a couple or he can have some other woman run his life without you. You two should be in this one together. Do not stay and accept the disrespect, this is awful treatment. If the love is there, he will smarten up - if not just walk, do not marry into this life.

You've been supporting him for quite some time now, but he won't offer the same back? This is BS!! She is in it for his money, encouraging him to give it back to his "family"...... that's right, so she'll get it in the end.

Best of luck.

Answer 3

To be honest, what with the first wedding plans being cancelled may make your partner more aware of all that is involved in a wedding and may not want to have to begin the organising once again. In addition to this, what with his surgery and all that he just may not feel that he has the energy to start the organising again.


However, it is important to note that his sister-in-law is just that and is his brother's wife and not his. I dunno if the fact that he dated his sister-in-law's sister is a relevant fact at the moment but it does seem that his sister-in-law is much too involved with what occurs between you both and he should not be encouraging her to have an opinion in your affairs.

It's not so easy to far and fast, as I am sure you have already realised, however for you this is an issue that will not go away and you need to make sure what are is sister-in-law's motives are before you progress. Love will only take you so far, but a life of grief and interference is never worth it. Tell him what you have said her and his response is the best answer whether it's the answer you wanted or not

Answer 4

I think that you answered your own question... First of all, it's a very weird situation involving a woman that is part of the family BUT had romantic ties with your fiance... It's nice that she wants to help care for him but, it should be discussed as a unit and you should have some say in his treatment/care. Afterall, he's your fiance.

About setting "the date" I'm sure that your fiance is very frustrated over losing his job/surgery and has lost his role as the breadwinner- but the act of getting married is well an act.. I would see if he would be more comfortable/affordable maybe downsizing the previous plans and maybe having a courthouse ceremony.. That way you'll be married and if something happens with this surgery you have some say in the turnout.. If your fiance is taking advice from your sister-in-law and he goes to her more than you well- maybe it's a good thing that the two of you aren't married yet.... I would maybe talk to her alone and speak with your fiance alone... If you can't get resolution then maybe you should cut your loses and move on....

Answer 5

I don't know about running far and fast, but I would definitely not go forward with wedding plans. This man has lots of issues that really need to be ironed out first. Do you know that when you get married, you become your own family of two? Everyone else should be after that. He apparently has trouble cutting the family ties, and seeing you as his family. This should set off bigger warning bells than anything. But if you see that you are fighting a losing battle, don't waste anymore of your time. You can't change people, and those that cannot compromise on both parts, should never get married.

Answer 6

Counseling might help but I would recommend that you two break off the engagement and try a trial separation. He is taking advice from his sister-in-law and not you. It even seems that the two of you are living very separate lives. Why on earth would his sister-in-law take care of him after his surgery and not you? If you really love him then you tell him that you are taking the time off work to take care of him because the only people who should be caring for him should be you, his parents, his siblings, and the medical staff. A sister-in-law is not a "blood" relative and I just don't get her taking care of him.

Answer 7

I would try to talk to him about how you are feeling first... but, if I were you, yes I would run far and fast from this situation. If he is valuing another woman, no matter who she is, over you, don't put up with it. If he intended on marrying you, then you were as good as family and should still be considered that.

It seems like a relationship/situation that you would be better off without.

I do agree with whomever said that you should look into couseling. But going by what you have said, I don't know how much good it would do.

Best of luck!

Answer 8

A lot of people will tell you to stay with him and not be paranoid bla bla bla. I say that you should run for the hills. A marriage is difficult enough as it is without including an ex-girlfriend who you have to see and deal with, and to top that off her sister who butts in and will only get worse if he allows it...

If you decide to stay with him, you should set boundaries now before they walk all over you. Make it clear to him that he should not be taking his sister-in-law's advice and that she has no right to meddle in your relationship. There should also be no close friendship with his ex-girlfriend jbecause that will create issues for you...

Be clear and strong. Sometimes women are afraid to give ultimatums and be strong, but in the end, men actually respect that more than being a pushover. And if you do get married, make sure to fully love him as he is, but to not let him or anyone walk all over you.

Answer 9

You are the ONLY one that can make that decision..... but my opinion would be to get out of that relationship.... It seems that he does not respect you, or your opinions either. Of course, you must take into consideration the feelings you have for him, but it almost seems as though he has already been brainwashed by his sister-in-law. She will try to get her sister in his good graces one way or another, and it sounds as though her advice pulls a lot of weight with him.... so it really doesn't look good sweetie... You may need to find someone who trusts you and respects the advice you may want to voice. That is imperative in a lasting relationship...do not SETTLE for anything less than what you want, or makes you feel comfortable, loved, needed, and respected. Good luck, and Merry Christmas to you!

Answer 10

I think you in turn need to put him in his place. Yes he is listening to others advise for sure. Id inform him if he feels this way k nowing you two have marriage plans and are sharing a home together now and one bed together, then how does he feel justified to come home and climb into bed with you if you are not deserving of his assets. You are who he has chosen as his wife after all. You do share debts togethr. Its wrong for him to be asking her for help anyway given the circumstances. Its very unfair to you and immoral of him. Give him an ultimatum and tell him you are very offended that he takes what you have to say with little or no grain of salt. lay it out for him...dont be timid either.