I'm stuck between two men...what should I do?

Question

I left my husband of four years because he was lazy and hadn't had a job the whole four years we had been married. When I left, he finally got a job...and not just any job...a good job with state benefits and salary pay. The problem is that although I did not leave him for another man, I fell in love with someone else. But I still love my husband and I miss everything about him. I want him back, but I do love this other man too and I don't want to hurt him. I'm torn between both of them and I don't know which way to go. I feel like I didn't give my husband a fair chance, but at the same time I feel like I haven't given this other man a fair chance either. I also feel as if the relationship with this new man is going way too fast...we've been together for two months and we already have a place together, but I'm still not over my husband. What shoud I do? I would prefer responses from others who have been in the relatively same position. What would or did you do? Thanks!

Answer 1

Well, if you're not over your husband, you shouldn't have moved in with someone else. Bad move, in my opinion. It sounds like you need to get your own place for now and take some needed alone time and figure yourself out.

Answer 2

You say your husband was lazy and didn't work the entire time you were married. If he were still out of work would you even be asking this question? You say you still love your husband and miss everything about him - would that include the not working for four years part too?

Four years is a pretty good chance to give someone to show up to the party, so to speak.

As far as moving in with the other man, you already realize you are moving too fast, so perhaps it is time for you to put a halt to the speed. I have been in your situation, and have gone from a long term marriage into a situation where I was so used to being with someone, that I hooked up with the first someone that came along, and I mistook my feelings of need and sadness for love. What happened there is that my husband and I resolved our differences but not our marriage and I ended up not being with the next fellow either. My husband and I are friends, and I am happier now that I have discovered the difference between need and want. I may feel I need somebody in my life, but what I want is a partner with whom I feel equal.

Check yourself - is your husband requesting your presence back in your life? Are you missing the new, untried person that he has become? Do you really trust that he will hold this job? Is the new man in your life pushing the relationship too quickly or are you?

Ultimately you have to decide which/whether/who you love. And that involves looking at yourself and not them.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I have been there. I was separated from my husband for a year due to an affair he had, and I met and dated another man too. My husband changed and wanted to reconcile and I found myself faced with a huge decision. At this point I could clearly see many changes in my "new" husband. So I prayed about it and I felt much more peace to enter back into my marriage. We've been together for over a year now and it's been so rewarding.
Marriage is a covenant relationship. Always be led by peace and you'll make the right decision. If you feel doubt about the other man then it may be for good reason. If you choose your marriage and keep prayer and God in the center anything can happen! I hope the best for you.

Answer 4

Hi Kid: You were married to your "hubby" for four years and it was miserable enough that you left him. Okay. so now he has a job. What if you go back to him and your new guy hits the lotto? Ya gonna go back to him, too? I assume you didn't know this 2nd guy while you were married. You gave your "hubby" a good chance. 4 years is a degree in home ec or somethiin'. What if ya go back and he quits his job? You can slow down your relationship with the new guy. Does he have a job? Ya gotta weigh all this stuff. You want a husband or a job. Be more independent. YOU get a job so you're not depending on some guy. I'm a guy. I've always been the one with a job. My wife had no job when we married. Now, 20 some years later, I have no job and she's a pharmacist. Ya just gotta go with your heart. Ozzie's brain

Answer 5

"Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool, loving both of you, is breaking all the rules".....sorry, that song came into my mind while reading your story. Well, I guess, you didn't stick it out with your husband and that's your loss. And the second man, hmmn, that was really fast. I think, you should be cautious, you know what they say about whirlwind romances. Just weigh things, using not only your heart but also your head. If you want to get back to your husband, be sure first that he wants you back. And if he does, and you still love each other, then try your damnest to get back together and not screw the marriage a second time. After alll, not everybody are given second chances. But if you decide to stick it out with the second man, just be prepared for the worse. It's too early to say that your relationship will be smooth at all, even if you love each other.

Answer 6

Will your husband quit his job if you come back? Think about all of the very negative things that drove you nuts about your husband, are you willing to live with those things again knowing that is how he is and that he isn't going to change? Maybe it took losing you for him to realize what he had. Does he want you back? You probably are moving to fast with the other guy. You wouldn't even be thinking about your husband if you were as into the new guy as you think you are. I know I went through this kinda same situation. You just get so fed up with someone you don't really feel appreciates you, and a long comes this guy that seems to be everything that was lacking in your past relationship, and he pays attention to you, and seems to appreciate you and it feels soooo good. But sometimes things aren't always what they seem. If the good outweighs the bad with your husband than go back. Think about your vows to him, "for better or worse" but I know you shouldn't stick with him if you see a lifetime of unhappiness. All couples have their ups and downs though.

Answer 7

Hi, first you have to tell your new man how you feel and ask him to slow down., you dont have to move out but sleep in a seperate bed until you are comfortable and ready.

If you still love your ex find out if he has changed since you have gone and if he is seeing someone else, if he's changed for the better and not with asnyone then you have to find out if he wants you back as well.
also if he's with someone else then it's easy stay with the new man.
but only you can decide what you want.
either go back to your ex and just hope he doesnt lapse again of which I think he will.
or
Start afresh with this new guy, he seems quite nice, especially if he's got a place and steady job etc.
but does he love you or is it just a relashionship.
regards
davo
Western Australia

Answer 8

I say give your husband another chance. Till death do you part......remember that? I think everyone deserves a second chance and it sounds like you are moving way to fast with this new guy. I think you should break it off with the new guy and just take some time to yourself to think about what it is you really want. I'm sure everything will work itself out. It always does. Good luck!

Answer 9

Go for the new one. Why on earth would you go back to a man who spent four years of his life as a couch potatoe and gave you no support? Get over him and get on with your life. Be happy for him that he chose to change his life, at least for now. What wold happen if let's say he was somehow laid off due to company financial problems? Would he run out and find another job or revert back to his old self? He has shown you all to well who he can be and now he is actually doing something with his life, good for him, no get over it. The fact is this is new for him and he will either go with it forever or he may stumble. How much more of your life do you wish to gamble on him? That is your answer.

Yoda out

Answer 10

No, can't say that I've been in your situation, but I do believe you gave him enough time to get his act together. But you also should have anticipated that your husband could change his ways as a result of your leaving. Unless you left to motivate him to change and made that clear to him, I'd leave him be, and maybe slow down things with the new guy. Besides, if you could make a claim to return to your husband so readily, it seems that you should not have begun to see the new guy so soon.