what would you have done?

Question

if you found out after your children were born and you were married for 15 years that your spouse had cheated and a kid was a product of the cheating affair. what would you do? guys and gurls please answer.

it was 11 years ago and the child is 11 now. i only found out this august on my birthday actually and it wasn`t by him it was by the gurl he cheted with the mother of this child. i am not mad at the child i am mad at him cause he wasn`t there for this child growing up. i feel so sorry for this child.but i hate him for ruining our marriage and our own kids lives also.some will say yeah but that was 15 yars ago and he was good for me many years of our marriage but when i look back now i ask my self was he really or was he just keeping his secret safe?
and i can honestly say i never eated on him,this is why i am so pissed off.

i can honeslty y i don`t think he knew about the child till this year.he was shocked when i told him about what i herd from the mother herself.but since then he has been stealing money from me and my business safe bo and i also think he is doing drugs to try and get it out of his head or deal with the situation.

Answer 1

That would be very traumatic.

I would be hurt, angry, and betrayed.

For starters, I would need to get away from her for a few days. because I promise you, I would want to yell, or act out in some way.

If I could swing it, I would take a vacation by myself to air out. -A weekend, a week. I would go some place where I could think and discern what my next step would be.

It would give her time alone to think about the gravity of her past actions.

Internally, I would want to know if she had cheated throughout the 15 years. Was it something that was way in the past? Was that where she left it? Had she been a good wife since?

If she had a been a good wife, and had not cheated since, I would probably search for a way to forgive her. I know it would not be easy, and it would take time and effort.

I would consider the forgiveness route especially if I had loved and raised the child as my own.

It would no doubt be a serious challenge to overcome, but 15 years is a long time, if your family has been happily intact all that time, and if she's been a good wife to you, you may have to put forth the effort to forgive her, you may need to do it for the kids.

If you were to make that decision, do not expect for it just to happen. The thoughts and feelings could be way too much to just put aside.

I would advise that you prepare to deal with it in a decisive and positive fashion.

Go and talk to a therapist on your own to help you talk through the torent of thoughts and feelings going on inside of you.

Also, seek out couples therapy so that the two of you can work out a positive plan to keep your family happy.

And finally, it may be a good time to reconfirm your wedding vows. Start over, recommit to one and other.

And always remember, (if married in a church), that your marraige is a commitment to God as well as to your spouse.

You promised God you would love her, at this point, her cheating is between her and God, you've kept your promise, and you can continue keeping that promise.

This may be one of the great tests of your life. handle it in a fashion where you know you did right. because someday you will look back on it.

Good luck man.

Answer 2

First of all, how long ago was the affair? If it was long ago, did your husband know about the child? If so, then my marriage would be over. It's one thing to cheat, but to cheat and hide something like this for so long would mean you have been living with a lying cheat all this time. And there are no excuses or reasons to explain why he didn't tell you then. But if on the other hand, this just happened? And you and your husband still love each other & want to work through this, then I would suggest going to see a professional. But either way you decide to go, He has another child now & that child deserves a father in his/her life, and the father needs to take responsibility for this child. You also need to know if he has any type of feelings for the childs mother before you even think of staying with him. I wish you the best of luck. Hope all works out for you.

Answer 3

15 years is a long time. Deception is never easy to get over. A child born, be it from marriage or an affair, is a blessing. The child did not ask for the complication. If it were me...I would see if our marriage can be saved first. If it can be saved then, forgiveness. If not then divorce, children survive divorce. It is difficult but they do survive, with love from both parents. As far as the child is concerned, my kids would have a new brother or sister, Accept the child not the mother. Forgive yes, forget no.

Answer 4

if he knew about it and kept it a secret? I don't know!

How long ago and what were the circumstances? That would dictate what I would do.

If he knew and has been supporting the child without my knowledge then I would NEVER be able to trust him with anything again and the marriage would be over.

IF you two were fighting and he had a one night stand with a person he barley knew and then 15 years later she calls him and lets him know of his 14 year old child. Then I would forgive him of a one night mistake from 15 years ago!

Answer 5

tough question. one does the actual father know about the child. two how long have you been raising this child as your own. cause at a certain point you actually are the father for raising the child. if the child was more than a couple of years old it wouldnt matter unless you are going to get divorced. then make sure the other yahoo pays support. alot depends on your relationship right now

Answer 6

Search my soul. Am I in love with my wife? Is she good to me? Has she been faithful since then? How are my kids? Do I love them?

There alots of things I would need to know before I could answer this truthfully, but based on what I know of myself, I would probably be really upset at first and then accept that it was something that happened 15 years ago and it is not the childs fault, so life would go on...

Yoda out

Answer 7

I have seen this in movies. Plots take on several forms.
In your case, there is not much you can do. Just accept it. You love him right - and he is not with any woman now - and he is a reformed man.

It is all history now. The product is the proof. Bring the child in to your family fold and move on. Don't open any old wounds.
That's the big hearted thing to do. Of course you tell your husband to behave and give him ultimatum and a repeat of this - even an iota, an inkling - will end up in divorce.

Answer 8

Ouch - that was a big mistake on his part. Is he a constant cheater - or was there some love involved? Is he paying for the kid? If so, how long has he been paying?

Your heart will forever be broken - humans have a tendency to do that to each other. Why did he cheat? Were you withholding?

How long ago and how old is the child?

I am so sorry - please try to hang in there and don't beat yourself up!!!

Answer 9

If he knew and kept it a secret, I'd be pissed off and would seriously consider whether the relationship was worth it.
If he didn't know, I'd be pissed, but I'd imagine I'd get over it.
But I'm not faced with this so...who knows maybe it'd be the straw that broke the camel's back and I'd go off the deep end.

Answer 10

I'm not sure what would I do. Really. It is a hard spot and I think it would be a devastating thing for me. I can tell you this,,with this new knowledge, lots of changes would happen and many marriage counseling sessions.