My boyfriend of 5 years is a widower with 3 children. I am divorced with 1 teenage son.?

Question

We are committed to each other and building a life together, but we are not living together or married, because of the feelings of 2 of his children. They are almost out of highschool and we are waiting for that. That's not the problem. Every year I spend Christ. with his family at his parents. No one really talksto me, except for his sister. They all open gifts, he has 5 brother/sisters + grandchildren, etc. while I just sit there like an idiot. Noone ever asks about my son (who spends Christ. with his Dad). It's not really just Christ.. I always make a point to invite his parents over for dinner a few times every summer when they are home, but not once have they invited us over. His ynger brthr got married this year and they have embraced his wife, but I feel as though they look at me as just his "chick", his "lover" his ....I don't know. At the wddng during pictures his mthr said FAMILY only. It was the whole tone you know? Anyway should I go there for Christmas this year?

Answer 1

You don't say how soon you and your partner got together after his wife died - is it possible that his family may thing it was too soon, especially if they were close to his late wife? They may also be aware that his children are uncomfortable with the relationship, although you don't say why. Another possibility is that they DON'T know why you two haven't taken it to the next level, and are reserved because of that.
However, credit is due to both of you that you respect his children's feelings enough to put your relationship on standby, and five years makes you more than just a 'chick'.
You say that he has a sister who has accepted you - are you close enough that you could express your feelings to her (although make it clear that you are not attacking her family) and maybe she could talk to them for you? They may not even be aware of what they are doing, and if they are deliberately ignoring you, at least you would know why and could deal with it from there. Go along for Christmas this year and make a point next year of trying to find out the reason for their behaviour.

Answer 2

Unless you have somewhere else to be, I'd go. Missing a holiday or family gathering will only give fuel to the fire. Dating a widower isn't like dating a divorced guy. The deceased spouse only gets better & better as time goes by & her the memory of her faults get more faint. You don't have to replace her, but you should work towards getting more friendly with his family.

I'm sure that you've tried striking up conversations, but keep at it! Talk to your boyfriend & let him know what is going on & see if he can find out what his family feels is the problem. It might be that they feel that you are hesitating about moving in & therefore hesitating about the relationship. How soon did you start dating this guy after his wife died? Some families are horribly old fashioned & don't think that the spouse should date for up to 5 years after the death of the wife.

You really need to talk to your guy about this & see what is going on. Try talking to the sister as well if you are comfortable with her enough. Just keep plugging away at it.

Answer 3

Your problem is not with your boyfriend's family but with your boyfriend. A real man would have had a meeting with them when this initially happened; he would have told them this is unacceptable behavior and that if they wanted to see him and his children then they would have to treat anyone he brought to dinner with respect.
My guess is his children have orchestrated this family behavior and they are siding with the children because they are afraid of these teenage manipulaters shutting them out.
This is the voice of experience speaking. I married a man just like this. I accepted that his 3 sons all over age 18 would begin to speak and act civil. They didn't come to our home for a year because a requirement was to speak to me.
When one son got married I was told that I was not to sit with family or be treated as family but to sit in the back of the church. I decided then I was done with them. My husband takes them out to eat for Christmas and Thanksgiving, and I don't go.
This is much preferable to being treated as if I'm the hired help in my own house.
If your boyfriend is still allowing this after 5 years, he has more fear of his children than he has respect for you.
If he won't agree to some counseling you need to consider if this is the life you want to choose.
You don't say how these 3 treat your son. If they treat him with the disdain they show you, then you owe it to him to lose this guy.
Good luck to you as it's going to be hard to fix a 5 year precedent.

Answer 4

Ask you boyfriend if you could have Christmas at home this year and maybe just pop by their house for an hour or dessert or something. It's not fair to expect you to be miserable each Christmas with people who don't welcome you. And there's no reason you shouldn't develop some Christmas traditions of your own. If his kids are in high school, its time they got over it!

Sounds like they are missing out on a very nice person!

Answer 5

yes you should go
and you should brazen it out
they are clearly petty people and this is exactly what they are wanting, show them you mean business, dont do anything differently, but dont shy away either, you are in a sticky situation and have handled it all admirably, but why shouldnt you spend christmas day with your man because he has an immature cliquey family, he will be your family very soon, start as you mean to go on
and keep inviting the in laws over during the year
never let it be said the breakdown in the family was down to you
good luck, and i hope you enjoy christmas,

Answer 6

Oh wow, I really feel you. It's maddening when you are so in love with someone, but their family has made you feel the way you feel. If you love this man, don't let anyone else stand in the way. Sadly, that includes his own family. When he has had enough of them, he will tell them what he has to tell them. As long as he is not neglecting your feelings, forget what the others say. I know it's tough, I've been through it. You guys need to go together to this function, his actions with you there will speak volumes.

Answer 7

I think you should go to your family's Christmas this year.
Your children deserve to have all of those memorize.
It is good that you are not marrying until his children are out of the house and that you are not living together.
After His children leave home if he doesn't tell his family to treat you better than maybe you shouldn't marry him or maybe he should go to your family's celebrations instead.

Answer 8

Wow, I am sorry. I have gotten the "family only" after I was with my ex for 5 years. That is really hurtful, but you can't force things. Unless it causes problems between you and your man, I would just not show up to those things. You can't make them be normal.

Answer 9

I'de look on this xmas as your boyfriends family's chance to redeem themselves by treating you like family. To achieve that, you must first have a very honest and open talk with your boyfriend and ask that he contact his family, and let them know that if you arnt made welcome this year, that neither of you will be coming in future. By treating you shabbily, they are disrespecting your boyfriend. If you're good enough for him, then you must be good enough for them. It must be pointed out to them that you cannot compete, with a dead woman, and nor should you have too. Good luck.

Answer 10

Have you discussed how you feel with your bf? It is really his responsibility to make sure you are included as "family". That being said, as poorly as they treat you, they are still his family, so I would say you should go even if it's just so you can be the bigger person.