Hi
I have just started to get it together with a male friend of mine. We have been close friend for a couple of years, and he has always been there for me.
However, yet again, I am starting to panic about being in a relationship. I've been hurt many many times very badly by men, starting with my father and including my ex-husband, and have been physically and emotionally abused by everyone I've ever been with. Which has left me pretty messed up.
I know that *he* is not like this, but I'm still starting to feel like I want to run and hide rather than let him close to me.
Part of me feels if he were the right one then I wouldn't be feeling like this, but part of me feels that I just need to work through the hurt I've been through.
Logically, this man is everything I could wish for. But there's something that is still making me want to push him away.
Is it my instinct telling me he's not right... Or is it my fragile heart trying to protect myself unecessarily?
2007-12-17 21:21:00 · 16 answers · asked by rollacoasta 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
talk to him
let him know
it'll make it so much easier.
talk to a councillor too
that'll do good i'm sure.
2007-12-17 21:28:43 · answer #1 · answered by asphyxia 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No--what you have is a natural reaction to an unpleasant past--like a dog biting you makes you wary of dogs--so you stay away. This may be a nice guy--any guy may be a nice guy--hopefully this one will work out. The issue of your past unfortunately reveals a personality flaw that doesn't really want a "good man"--how can I tell?? because you send messages that say--ABUSE ME--somehow you need the superiority and don't really want that emotional tenderness--No one is REALLY abused without fighting it--the sympathy it got you--or the role that you played with these men exaserbates the behavior--even though you won't admit it. So you probably won't last with a "normal "guy--you will subconsciously do stuff to evoke anger that will lead to that fulfilling abuse--like YOUR idea is ALL MEN ARE SUPERIOR and women need that disciline the men have the power to dish out. Plenty of women are like that!! One abuser after another--black and blue all the time--BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEM--if they were so scared by abuse--the guy would be in jail--no questions asked. I don't think you should waste this new mans time. I will bet a paycheck that you will revert back to the submissive female role.... Sorry--but you asked and the little hurt girl act is NOT working !! Merry Christmas !!
2007-12-17 21:39:02 · answer #2 · answered by fire_inur_eyes 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Unfortunately your previous negative experiences are clouding you mind and I don't blame you because it happens to the vast majority of us.
You have to focus on the present and the fact that you know this guy is different because if you don't move on from the hurting you're going to stay in this spiral and you will miss out on something that could be very good for you. Presumably if he has been a friend for a while and you say that he has been there for you then he may know something about your past and understand why you are so tentative and hopefully he will respect that.
Take it slowly and see how it goes. Don't let the negativity creep in about him or yourself and hopefully things will work out.
I hope you find the happiness you are looking for.
2007-12-17 21:29:08 · answer #3 · answered by FoundMyStar 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Given what you said, it is possible that you might hate men. However, the good thing is that you found a man that you like. Yes, it is hard, and you should always keep your guard up. Take your time and get to know this guy, don't just dismiss him because of your past. Not every guys is as bad, even if most men had hurt you in the past. Give him a shot. LIFE is hard.
2007-12-17 21:26:51 · answer #4 · answered by cheng 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm in a similar situation to you tbh, I've been seeing my bf for 8 months now and I'm just starting to let him get close. I've spent the last 8 months trying to push him away, being the worst girlfriend in the world, I haven't really been able to control it, but I do genuinely love him and I can't and you can't let your past relationships ruin what could be something amazing, I am sure that you are just trying to protect yourself and I also think that you've probably spent a long time building walls around yourself and it's hard to let them walls go!! Keep trying, it might just be worth it!
2007-12-17 21:27:15 · answer #5 · answered by flowerbomb 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Follow your logic. If it tells you he's everything you could want, then he probably is. Emotions lie, but logic - if you're a clear-headed, rational person - usually tells the truth.
Try to work through your past hurts - counseling is the best way to do this. You might be pushing away your best chance at a finally healthy, stable, rewarding relationship.
I feel for you... Good luck!!
2007-12-17 21:29:27 · answer #6 · answered by GivPerf 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hello,,,it is normally that u feel that becouse u were unfortunately hurt by many men, but on the bright side you have been friends with the new guy for years as close friends. calm down and try to think logically. heart may be true and some time misleads ,,, good luck in ur life
2007-12-17 21:29:21 · answer #7 · answered by jo n jo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Feeling uncertaintly is natural and most people experience this when they start to get close to someone they really care for - it is a fear of getting hurt/or hurting him. The key here is NOT to run away from this guy, but to allow yourself to get to know him better. You sound really enthusiastic about this guy, and it would be a great shame to miss this opportunity.
2007-12-18 06:48:48 · answer #8 · answered by Aries 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
think so deeply about this man.
you have been heart eneugh before so u have to know him well and then you should know if he is your the one so stay with him.
and if he is not the one for you so leave him at once and don't wait for anything from him even talking.
you should then starting over
you seem to be strong girl so you deserve a better persone to share your life.
have fun.
be happy.
I hope he is your the one.
yours,
Hiti.
2007-12-17 21:33:05 · answer #9 · answered by Hiti 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
im sure he is everything you want and if you have been close friends and he hasnt hurt you, then why would he hurt you in this relationship. i think your past is getting in the way of your future and you really shouldnt let it. go ahead and be happy with this man, you really deserve it !!
2007-12-17 21:26:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd just play it cool and safe for now. Explain to him your past and your fears and if he loves you, he WILL understand and WILL be patient. Just take it with a pinch of salt and don't read too much into it - just treat it superficially (the relationship).
2007-12-17 21:27:49 · answer #11 · answered by Say It Like You Mean It 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋