Help! I've created a monster!?

Question

My daughter, 12, going on 30, has not exactly been disciplined well. I treat her like a friend. It just kind of happens. I know that is not ideal. Now she has no respect for me and treats me horribly and doesn't listen. How do I start from scratch here and get back on track? Please tell me it's not too late.

Answer 1

I don't think it's to late, but you have to do a complete 180 degree turn around. You NEED to be a parent not a friend. You said as much already. She needs some sort of wake up call, or shock. You also need a set of consequences for bad behavior.
Not listening, and disrespect NEED to be punished. Try taking away her favorite positions, strip her room of EVERYTHING, or even put her in time out. I also highly recommend introducing your hand to her bottom, I know she 12, but spanking may be the shock she needs to develop a healthy parent child relationship. Besides spanking generally works between ages 2-12 your right on the edge. You need to turn from friend to drill Sargent overnight, it might take time, but she will turn around.

Answer 2

It is never too late. If you can afford it and both of you have the desire to change, find a good counselor to work with both of you. YOU are the parent, not her friend. SHE is the child and must relearn respect and discipline. Is there another parent in the home? Enlist their help too. Is she the only child or are you having problems with your other children as well?

Once your daughter is on her own, at least 18 years old, you can become her friend if that is what she wants from your relationship. But at this time, she Needs your discipline and the controls you must place on her behavior--with love-- so that she will respect other adults. Kids will push with all their might against rules but you must stand firm.

Sit down with her (if you cannot afford counseling) and tell her that from now on these are the house rules and these are the consequences of her breaking the house rules. Make the rules specific with specific consequences for breakages. This is your curfew on school nights (Sunday through Thurs) and on weekends (Fri and Sat). Breakage will mean you will have earlier curfew on weekends. Don't set up consequences You cannot keep: for example, if you work and don't get home until well after she is home from school, don't expect she will keep the rule that she cannot talk with friends on the phone or she cannot watch TV. For sure she will break those while you cannot control her behavior. Don't ground her forever because that means you won't be able to go anywhere because you are watching her too.
My best wishes to you. This is not an easy thing you have ahead of you. You have to undo what you have done up to now. It isn't impossible, just difficult.

Answer 3

You stll have the power within you grasshopper, after all you pay the bills. TV, internet, phone and the future of the "car" can and need to be cut off when discipline is a problem. No threats, act now and do it quietly if need be. Grounded is only really grounded when the rules are laided out.

Take away any privileges you must for a set time for each punishment. Set a restore time with NO exceptions. Bend on this and the child will go to the dark side.

Explain the reason for the punishment, because if she tries this when she is older and working she will be unemployed very fast.

And try to have a nice day. It is only 6 more years till the next option.

Answer 4

It's never too late.

Sit her down and just tell her

"I think I've made some mistakes in being your friend rather than your mom, and I'm going to change that. It is going to be tough for a bit while we get used to this, but I think this will actually bring us closer and we can have the type of relationship that will be healthy for us both"

And actually do it. Be fair, be consistent, and be firm.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't make a threat unless you actually are prepared to follow through.

And listen to your daughter and give her a voice, but not control.

And be prepared to go to counseling with her to get through this tough period. You both need to do a lot of work in a short time and a professional may help you navigate this in a way that seems less painful.

Good Luck, you can do this

Answer 5

It's never too late, but it's going to be much harder now that she's gotten used to being able to act like this. Sit her down and tell her that you know you've been lax in the past, and because of that there are problems with you two. And it's going to change. Stick to your guns and make sure she understands that this is going to happen.

Answer 6

It's not too late. However, you might need to enlist professional help to get her and you back on track. You need to learn how to discipline and make it stick. She needs to learn that you are her parent and what you say is law. It will take some time. With the hormones kicking in, I am betting that it will take some time, so be patient. Good luck.

Answer 7

this is why you find so many parents on here diligently advocating for discipline starting from an early age. once you relinquish control, it's very difficult to get it back. it's not too late, but its going to be much harder. enlist professional help. punishments now have to be much harsher and firmer than if you were trying to teach a young child respect. take everything away and make her earn it back. by law you must provide a roof over her head, a blanket, 2 clean changes of clothing, food (she doesn't have to like the food as long as it's provided), and education. take everything else away and make her start earning it back. give her the choice of what she wants to earn back first....a pillow, her bed, an extra set of clothes. as she behaves in accordance with your rules, give her back one thing....if she misbehaves, take it back and make her start over again. it's called "TOUGH LOVE". it sounds really harsh but do you want her to continue to get worse until she lands in jail, or do you want her to finish growing up living a normal life???? this is going to be hard on you too, but you have to stick to your guns or deal with her getting worse.

Answer 8

Yep, you sure did.

It is natural for a person to want to be liked and loved, but as a parent, you have the responsibility to teach discipline, and correct behavior. You failed.

I wish I had some advise on how to correct the problems, but I don't. You have a tough job to accomplish, and you'd best not waste any more time.

I suggest you seek professional guidance either from a family counselor or your minister.

Good Luck and God Bless you both.

Doc

Answer 9

Wow...good luck!

I really don't have any sage advice for you...this sounds like a shining example on why parents should not be friends with their children until adulthood.

Whatever you do it will be a long and bumpy road.

Answer 10

First of all relax! Even "well brought up" kids go through peculiar phases. Teens are very much like toddlers, they require boundaries but don't like them much.

Second, you can't dump too many rules all at once. Friend to Prison Officer won't work!

There are heaps of books in your local library to tell you how to manage your kids, but I'm sure a better angle will be a book telling your daughter how to manage you! I haven't read these, but they sound worth checking out: http://www.amazon.com/handle-your-parents-Jack-Exum/dp/B000734TNO/ref=pd_rhf_p_t_3

http://www.amazon.com/Handle-Your-Cranky-Stressed-Parents/dp/1425901549/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1197960061&sr=1-5

You read them first so you know what sort of ways you should allow yourself to be managed, and what you shouldn't.

Sorry, I'd give more details and specifics, but I've got to go out!