christmas drama!?

Question

i am 15 yrs old and my dad has a friend whom the family has known for yrs. 3 yrs ago, we went to see him (my dad + i) and he made comments about my weight. sure there was room for improvement but he asked me how much i weighed. when i told him he told me i must be lying because i looked much heavier. he hurt my feelings, i now have no respect for him or his opinions. i thought you know he was a friend and i didnt realize he was the enemy. it hurt my self-esteem. i became anorexic for a month. im healthy now and happy but i still fault him for that. i was almost 13 then, i didnt know how to handle being called fat. what was worse was my dad took his side and agreed that i was fat. well i havent seen him for 3 yrs and he and his family are coming for x-mas dinner. how can i hold my peace with him when i dont think i have fully forgiven him? i still have so much anger towards him and its making me sick just thinking he'll be at my house on x-mas. how should i handle myself and actions?

Answer 1

Well, you can handle it in two different ways. Smile and pretend that everything is just rosy, (although I can tell when someone is smiling, but their eyes tell a different story) and try to get through it as best as you can. OR, take him aside and tell him point blank that what he said to you a few years back really devastated you and that he ought to know better than to criticize a young girl who's self-esteem is very fragile at that age, and that he caused you to really suffer emotionally.
I'd give this jerk something to THINK about! It's bad enough that young women today have to compare themselves and worry that their body types and weight don't "fit" the stereo-typical, thin-is-in, brain-washed idea of what is attractive. YOU are the only one who has to look in a mirror and decide if YOU are happy with the way you look! I think he and your Dad were way out of line to even mention this to you. After all, it (your weight) doesn't define you as a person, but apparently, to SOME older adult men, (your Dad and his friend) this is somehow important?
Now, if your Dad had been the one to have a confidential talk with you about your weight because he was genuinely concerned about your health, etc., then that would have been fine. Some people just have no tact or class.
If he is not aware that he hurt your feelings, then you will NEVER be able to forgive him, as there is no opportunity for him to acknowledge what he did was rude and inappropriate. But if you do make him aware of it, and he DOES apologize and take you seriously, THEN you can start over again with respecting him. You are growing up into a young woman now, and the more you start to assert yourself and point out to others when you feel disrespected, the better, because then you deal with it as it comes, and don't have to dwell on it or WISH you had said something at the time. Best wishes.

Answer 2

Just be polite. Try not to let him have that much power over you, to ruin your Christmas or make you feel sick and angry.
You don't have to forgive him, but don't carry around any resentment, either. Life is too short. He sounds like a jerk and your father blew it by allowing him to insult you and not coming to your defense.

If he makes any comment about your appearance this year, let there be a beat of silence and then say cooly, but not with any attitude in your voice, "I was taught never to make comments about people's appearance."

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 3

I think you need to talk to a counselor. Your reaction to this mean but off handed comment was really blown out of proportion. All 13yr olds carry extra weight, they are moving from childhood to their teen years. I'm surprised that this wasn't brought up in your treatment for anorexia. The guy was out of line and your father is a jerk for not defending you, however, its in the past and you are saying you have recovered. If you are that angry, then you need to talk to someone before it happens.