What can I do about my family who does not want me to adopt?

Question

\My wife and I are trying to adopt our second child because having another child bio would be harmful to my wife (medical reasons) We are going through the foster system and my family is not happy about it. My mother has all but said that she will treat the two children differently. I think this is horrible. I will love my kids and I expect my family to do the same. Do you think once the child is here she will react diffrently

i honestly think my mom will come aroung i know she may not. When i told her my wife and i were expecting she was so upset even though we had been married for 4yrs. She thought we were to young and should of waited. she threated to cut us off for being irresponsible. I ignored her then she started dotting on my daughter before she was born and now spoils her rotten. I think she is trying to scare us into not adopting but will be fine once we do. If she does show favorites and acts as if the adopted one is not as important we will limit contact Which is not hard because she lives 2,000 miles away and we only see her once a year anyway

Answer 1

What a shame they should feel like that doesn't seem fair to adopt a child under those circumstances but on the other hand why shouldn't you. I would try talking to the social worker they must of encountered this before and see what their experience of this as been and what they think would be the best way to go about it. I was fostered as a child and all my foster parents family were so welcoming and are still very much part of my life now.

Answer 2

You are adults. You should be making your own decisions regarding your own family. No, I do not think she will change, but I know what I would do. Tell her that either she does change her attitude, or you will not be seeing much of her in the future.

I know of someone who adopted and the mother acted like that. They let her stay in their lives, and she made a complete mess of the adoptive children by completely ignoring them when it came to birthdays, Christmas, etc.
She would talk to the children born to the couple, but ignored the adopted children. What do you think became of the adopted children. They grew up resentful of the grandparents and wanted nothing to do with them. The household during their upbringing was miserable and angry and there was never any resolution with the mother, because she refused to act any differently. That is her prerogative, but it is also your choice to let her hurt your children, and leave them with emotional scars because of her behavior.

You have choices to make for your own family, and I trust that you will adopt and give that child the love they will need, You will be greatly rewarded because that child will love you with all their hearts, and look to you as their parents,

The most important job in this world is being a parent, a good parent, a loving parent. If everybody did this the world would be a much better place.

Answer 3

Are you willing to cut your mother out of your life if she actually does as she has stated and treats your adopted child differently than your bio-child?

If your answer is YES than a nice but firm sit down explaining your boundaries and consciences out to do the job, if your answer is NO than I do not feel you should continue with your plans. An adopted child is a child and deserves to be loved and treated the same as the other children in the family. If you cannot provide this or are not willing to fight to ensure this than you would not be a suitable adoptive parent. As for how she act I could only guess the same as anyone here. In reality it matters not how she acts or anyone else only how you and your wife react. That is the most important thing.

Answer 4

Inundate her wih adoption literature! Education is key. When I was going through my first adoption, my mom went as far to let me know she "didn't want some adopted kid,she wanted her OWN grandbaby"! My daughter is now two and her favorite relative is my mom and my mom adores and spoils her too. Your mom will come around. Help her understand she is going through a grieving procss, just as you and your wife did when you learned you could not have another biological child. You may also need to take a firm stance with her and let her know that if her negative attitude continues, you will be forced to make the decision to cut her off completely for the sake of your family. Just keep the lines of communication open and strategically place a few books in her house. Good luck.

Answer 5

Its possible she could change her mind once the child is there. However if your mother refuses to treat your adopted child the same as your biological child. Then I would tell her she can’t be involved in either child’s life. I have seen a situation where a grandfather favored one step-grandchild over another. It was hard on both boys, the brother whom he liked couldn’t understand why grandpa didn’t like his little brother. Little brother couldn’t understand why grandpa treated him differently then his big brother.

I think its great you and your wife are adopting and from the foster care system. It may seem hard but sometimes you have to do what is best for your family, and by that I mean your core family, wife and kids. Sadly there are times you have to cut out extended family who are closed minded. Do whats best for the children having your kids be treated differently by grandma is not going to be a positive in either your bio child or adopted child's life.

Answer 6

It's a sad thing but some people do feel this way and never come around. You mentioned that you only see her once a year, go with that. Have your family. If everyone waited util they could afford kids the human race would have been extinct a long time ago. You have valid reasons not that you need them, but your wife has health issues, I think you should ignore grandma. Sounds like she has deeper issues like control maybe. No offense, just odd that she throws threats. I have threat issues so maybe you shouldn't go by my answer. Just wondering, who threatened her when she had you and how'd it work out for her? It's her choice if she wants to deprive herself of the little time she gets with your family.

Answer 7

I can't say for sure. There is a chance she will come around, but you have to be ready for the possibility she doesn't. Once you commit to taking the child, there is no return clause that says "if my mother doesn't like the child".

In the end, this has to be you and your wife's decision, not your mother's. You two want another child and this an option available. If it is important enough to you, then do it with or without the support of your family.

I don't want to be a complete killjoy, I think there is a reasonable chance that she warms up to the child. I'm just saying you should not make your decision depending on it.

I was adopted myself, but lucky enough to be adopted into a family where everyone was happy with it. To "Adoptionissadnsick" - you are incorrect. Adoption is a fine way to add a family member and help a child who can't be raised by it's biological parents.

Answer 8

Ignore them they are being selfish and not very understanding. That second child deserves the same love as the first even though biologically he or she isnt yours. If this is what you and your wife wants them your happiness is what matters no one elses. Would your mother rather ypur wife get pregnant and go forbid she dies just to please them at having a biological grandchild I dont think so . Tell them if they cant agree with you and be happy for you then they dont need to be a part of any of the childrens lives. Good Luck I say go for it!!!!!!

Answer 9

I hate to tell you this, but we also thought my In Law's would come around and they did not. In response, my husband has restricted their access to ALL our children (we have 2 biological and 1 adopted) and has little contact with them himself. They (my husband and his parents) have always had a strained relationship and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Yes, it is sad our bio kids will miss out on their grandparents, but on the flip side... are they really missing out when 2 people are so ugly on the inside and hateful. They will gain soo much more from their relationship with their brother, than they would have gained from a relationship with the 2 of them.

My bio kids ADORE their brother. They love him soo much and it hurts them tremendously when someone doesn't feel the same. They don't understand how anyone can not love him, and frankly I don't get it either.

In the end it is my In Law's who are missing out. I have 3 awesome kids. Fortunately they still have many people in their life (including my parents and 5 Great-Grandparents) who love and accept them exactly as they are.

Answer 10

undergo in strategies you're able to be prepared to enable circulate of this toddler, in case you're able to do it then ok, it skill you will see that the toddler yet not butt in any of this toddler's existence. I too became into observed by using a relatives member, my bio mom became into around for all time. It became into not hassle-free as a results of fact I felt a loyalty too her as quickly as I found out, an I knew how lots it harm my mum and dad. It took an prolonged time and countless tears, yet i ultimately have been given to the component the place i became into very grateful My Bio mom became into unselfish and did this as a results of fact I had the main awesome mum and dad any toddler would have ask for. i'm in My 60's now, my mum and dad are long previous and each time I see my Bio at relatives reunions I make it a component to thank her.