Do you see me as a rude and selfish individual or am I right in feeling the way that I do?

Question

I am sick and tired of transporting my aunts around and frankly I wish they would stop asking me to. I know it sounds selfish and in some ways it is, but I have had enough. I understand that they don’t have any transportation but it’s not my problem. They have children of their own and grandchildren who either aren’t able to do anything for them (due to drug addictions and incarceration), or refuse to do anything. It’s just not fair and I know life’s not fair, but I shouldn’t have to pick-up their slack. I have a husband and a life of my own. When the holidays roll around I am EXPECTED to pick-up my aunts and my grandmother, transport them and all of the large quantities of food they prepared to my aunt’s house. So if I don’t show up they don’t have a ride or they have to hustle up a ride which is hard for them to do because hardly any of my immediate family has a car. My uncle lives a two hours away and he does have a car but you can never count on him showing up.

One of my aunt’s has a car but she is always the host of the dinners, so she can’t just leave to pick people up when she’s cooking or expecting other guests. Also, she doesn’t drive freeway and neither do I so taking back roads is very time consuming. That’s one of the reasons why this bugs me so much. It’s not their fault that I don’t drive on the freeway, but if it takes me over and hour to round-up everybody from their homes and then the same thing when I drop them off then I don’t want to do that either. Also, there are times that I want to leave early to go or maybe I want to hang out somewhere else but I can’t because I have a car full of people that I’m responsible for. Again, it’s almost impossible to get them a ride even if I were to just pick them up and let someone else take them home.

I have somewhat expressed my feelings, but they always get blown off and it’s kind of like “Sorry, that’s just the way it is”. Either that or they are forced to find somebody else to take them. It is usually one of their cousin’s who has a car but then they feel embarassed that they couldn’t get anyone from our side to take them. They have even suggested that my husband (who doesn’t celebrate any holidays due to this religion) do the transporting. He has done it a few times but certainly doesn’t want to play taxi either. They talk about me like a dog and say I should be ashamed of myself because I am tired of carting them around. I try to be cordial and polite and never tell them that I don’t want to do it, but I know they can tell by my attitude (which I can’t seem to control). They are just very bossy and demanding and they feel that because they are older that we shouldn’t mind. I didn’t at first, but after I saw I was their number one ride it started to piss me off.

I decline a lot actually because I get tired of it. One my aunts who asks me to take her to mall all the time has a grandson who can take her. His wife doesn't work. She gives them thousands of dollars to pay their bills, so let them take her.

But for some reason I am always stuck with the holidays.

Answer 1

I would suggest finding a way to be "busy" for the holiday yourself, like attending dinner at your manager's house, taking a trip, etc. After repeating this EVERY holiday, your aunts should eventually get the message that you are not their taxi. Speaking of taxi, why don't they take one?

I used to have aunts and uncles (who didn't drive) that would take a bus across several states to get home for Christmas. When they arrived at the bus station, they always called us to let us know they arrived in town safely, then called a cab to bring them the rest of the way. Keep in mind my aunts and uncles were older, and also on a VERY fixed income, so your aunts shouldn't be using that as an excuse...

Not wanting to help your aunts out, given the background info you provided, isn't being selfish or rude - it's being an adult with your own life to live, and your own set of obligations to yourself and YOUR family (husband, kids). If your aunts aren't considerate enough to see this, then that's their problem.

Had they done a good job of raising their own children, they wouldn't be in that predicament themselves, because they would have kids and grandkids who have the respect and fortitude of character to WANT to help them out...

If they talk about you behind your back, then drop them from your life like a hot potato. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone, and I'm betting that your absence from their lives might make them take heed of the behavior that drove you away...

Answer 2

No, I don't think you are being rude or selfish. I think I would be very resentful if I were in your situation.

It sounds like you are one of the straight arrows in your family, and because you are dependable, people are taking advantage of your generosity.

You say that your aunts have kids and grandkids. I understand that some of them have problems, as you have stated, but you also state that some of them simply refuse to help out. I think what I would do is force them to step up by making myself unavailable for the next family function. That will force your aunts to rely on their own children, rather than relying on you to be the taxi driver.

Make plans with friends well in advance of your next family gathering. Let it be known that you will need to come late and leave early, so you won't be able to drive everyone. Give them plenty of notice so that they have time to talk to their own kids or make other arrangements. And no matter what, don't let them talk you into changing things around to suit their needs.

You may need to do that several times before they get the message that you have a life, too, and that it doesn't involve wanting to drive everyone someplace all the time. I think that part of the reason their own kids don't step up is because you are there to take up the slack. Stop taking it up, and force them to fend for themselves.

There will be times when you will still need to help out, and try and do that graciously from time to time. But force the situation now so that you don't get stuck with driving duties ALL the time.

You really are a sweetie for doing what you have been doing. Unfortunately, sometimes that leads to people taking advantage of you. Force them to find some other means of transportation so that you can have some freedom, too.

Good luck.

Answer 3

You and your husband have tried to be nice and help out. The trouble is now, it is expected from you.

If you don't want to do it, then don't. Your relatives should make other arrangements. That is why they have taxis. I know that it puts you in an awkward position, but what can you do. Some people take advantage of others, and they will continue to do so as long as they can get away with it. Once you put your foot down, then they know they have taken it as far as they can.

Maybe you could work out some kind of arrangement where you pick them up for one holiday and another relative does it for the next.

I wish you luck with this, for there is no easy answer. Do what you think is best, is all I can tell you.

Answer 4

Not selfish or rude, burnt out yes!

If they were paying to for you to take them around and you complained then yes i'd probably say you were being selfish.

If the one aunt wants to pay that family members bills, then by all means suggest she start calling them, your not a taxi service.

If they want to treat you that way, make there be a time limit of when you will do this. say 9-3 thats it. No reason needed, Call up the local taxi find out what they charge to turn on the meter, and how much per mile after that, Charge them at least 1/2 of that.

It's not fair to you in this day and age with gas so high most have to choose wheather or not to buy gas or food. So by all means make them pitch in.

and learn the word no!

Answer 5

I always had to do that too. Sometimes it was a bit of a pain, but I enjoyed seeing how happy they were anticipating the holiday with the family. We'd have some fun conversations on the ride there. Usually, someone else took them home.

If it's only during the holidays, don't sweat it. If on a particular holiday, you can't drive them ... let them know in advance. Someday, this will be a younger persons responsibility.

Answer 6

No, I don't think you are rude and selfish.

Most people don't mind helping, but we don't like it when other people take advantage of our kindness and good nature.

From what you have said it seems that you probably wouldn't mind taking your turn to pick people up, if other people would take their turn too.

Maybe this year you can let people know ahead of time that you will be busy until just before the get-together starts.

That way they know in advance that you won't be available and you can be busy doing something else (make it something "good" like delivering Meals-on-Wheels to the elderly in your neighbourhood, or visiting someone in hospital)

Good Luck, this is a tough situation - Merry Christmas!

Answer 7

Hey, my mother puts up with the same **** from her mother in law.
Grandma always makes her drive her to the doctor's office, and the grocery store, and she makes appointments at times when Mum has to work, so she has to take days off.
My Dad won't drive her around because he can't stand to be around her, (she's not a very nice person).

If it was me having to drive them around, I'd probably just do it, especially if they're not all mean and rude to you about it. But I can understand how it would piss you off.
I think I might be a little biased, because I don't have a very loving family, but it doesn't seem right to me that you have to schedule your life around them.

Answer 8

It's time for you to have this conversation with the rest of your family. They will not offer with you doing it. You are venting to the wrong people...it's the children and grandchildren you need to tell. Invite them all over for a little get together and then voice your frustration. You should also have the conversation with the aunts and grandma....let them know your schedule is changing and you won't be as available as you have in the past. It's time for them to speak up to their families. You get no results from telling us....stand up for yourself and tell the slackers it's time for them to step up!!

Answer 9

I understand your predicament, there are two sides to it. You should help them becuase they're your family but then again you have your own life. Don't feel bad about feeling selfish, you're only human.

The best thing that I can suggest is talking it over with them and see if you guys can come up with some sort of compromise or solution; you can help your family out but perhaps they can respect your own need for time, sometimes.

Just have a talk with them, make them feel as if you're not attacking them though but still be assertive and make sure they understand how you feel. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it means you love them enough to talk about how you're all feeling :)

Answer 10

You just need to be firm and tell them next time you are busy and might be for sometime so they need to look for alternate transportation,maybe after Christmas,I wouldn;t let it ruin everyone's Christmas but certainly in the new year.Nothing to feel bad over,they will find others,you have done your part so its someone's else's turn.Merry Christmas!