Should I Make An 18 Year Old Still In High School Follow House Rules? How?

Question

In 2003, my 14 yr old grandson begged me to take him & his 3 siblings in as he said their mother (my daughter) was neglecting & abusing them. It proved to be true and I was granted custody of the four children. I adopted them in 2005, bought a bigger house so they all had their own rooms, a bonus room, their own phone & computer. Bought a cool motor scooter for them. This was made possible by the fact that I have received adoption assistance income for these children so they have a great life now. BUT, the oldest turned 18 in Nov. and he now won't go by house rules because he says he is an adult. Since he is in high school (plans to join the Navy but failing 2 classes) I still receive income for him. SO he claims he being "paid for" and doesn't need to contribute. He works 8-20 hrs/wk. He won't do chores. Won't save & buy a car. Thinks he can come and go as he pleases. Threatens to move out. I said Go For It but he stays and ignores. The 3 younger children watch with great interest.

Just for clarification, since the children have lived with me, I have set rules that have consistently been in place. As an engineer, I am very organized. I have tried to set good examples as a single parent...no drinking, no smoking, no lying, project only responsible behaviors...I haven't even dated anyone since they came to live with me just because I think that they deserve my full attention. Although I don't put up with any nonsense, all the neighborhood children love visiting. The children have never been a behavior problem and are respectful to me and others. Teachers and parents often remark on their politeness and on how well behaved the children are. Everyone...girls and boys alike...do chores including their own laundry and cleaning their bathroom. The girls do yard work just like the boys. Allowance is by merit. It has seemed like the children have benefitted from all of this so this is why his behavior is so surprising. He turned 18 & respect went out the window!

Answer 1

It's sad that I keep seeing this happen. He feels he's entitled to act out because he was neglected/abused. Before I say anything else I want to ask you this...Would you have let YOUR son or daughter act this way and get by with it? To me the answer is simple, you discipline them the same way you did your own kids. I know times have changed and kids can run and claim abuse when they don't like your answer to a request. I still say it's YOUR house and YOUR RULES! If he doesn't like it, let him be an adult and move out on his own. Remind the little snot that if it weren't for you where he'd be. Plus, if he thinks he wants to join the military, he better think twice if this is the kind of attitude he has. They will wipe the floor with him! All I can say is that if you were my mom or grandmother, I wouldn't be able to sit by and watch him treat you this way. And you are right about the others watching...if he gets by with this, they are gonna be much worse! Nip it in the Bud!

Answer 2

Hi, this may sound cruel, but put a new lock on his door. But first, have someone take everything out of his room and put it into some type of storage he can't get a hold of. Then post on his door 'For Rent'. Post how much and what's included (utilities, meals, etc....) If he wants a phone in his room, that's extra. It's up to you about the meals. If he wants his stuff back, he can buy it back or he can earn it. If he's late on rent, figure out the late fee, and lock the door again if he doesn't pay you after so many days after the due date. If necessary, evict him if he's late, put his stuff outside the door. Give him a key to his room once he rents, but explain the Super has the extra key and the right to do on the spot inspections (clean room, no drugs, etc....). If you evict him, change the locks again. Tell him this is how you handle a grown man, not contributing in this house. Tell him everyone contributes in one way or another. Let's not talk about cab fare when you take and pick him up....., and how about car rental when he wants the car......Oh yeah, tell the siblings there's a new tenant in the house....!!

Answer 3

Children understand freedom but not responsibility unless it has always been a part oftheir lives. There are several ways to deal with this problem depending on you, him and the situation. If he has been given everything and treated like a victem all his life - it's going to take professional help to turn his way of thinking around. Seek a good therapist and tell him he - and possibly you - must attend or he must find his own way.**
If he has any sensitivity left in him, you might try a personal approach AWAY from all others. Teenagers listen much better when their peers aren't there to perform to. Tell him this is important for you and for him, not as a child but as an emerging adult, to learn how to take responsibility for the trash as well as the glory because he will have to deal with both throughout his life.
If he absolutely won't listen, try to find an adult he respects and listens to to talk with him.
If none of the above works, you might have to give him THE choice. As long as you live here, you follow the rules of the house. If you aren't going to follow the rules of the house, then you must find another house.
This is easy to write here, but it would be hard to do because it must not be done as a threat or even as your action. It must be seen as HIS CHOICE that you WILL ENFORCE. Before talking to him, check out with the authorities - police, marshal, sheriff, social agencies, if they will assist in moving him out if need be. There can be no equivicating or bluffing here. If he will listen you might go over a budget with him. Most kids have absolutely no idea what it takes to live on their own. But it is imperative that if you start down this road that you go to the end. Either he stays and follows your rules or he leaves. If he chooses to leave, you might leave the door open to come back if he will help you aorund the house. Give him a day to think it over and a week to get it together to leave. If he says he's not leaving, then let him know you are going to call the authorities and have him removed and do so.

The idea is to let him know your boundries, that you love him, respect him and you are talking straight with him. Boys need that because unless they learn boundries and respect it is hard for them to find direction. If they feel challenged (and they often see everything as a challenge) then they often will react negatively even when it hurts them and possibly others to do so because they see it as survival of their identity. This is why it might be good to seek professional help at this stage of the game.

If he agrees to anything (thinking it over, picking up his clothes, etc) thank him personally and let him know that you really appreciate it because you're human and have feelings too and it makes your life easier. If he won't, then follow through with the tough part.

Good luck!

Answer 4

It's your house, and your rules. That will always stand, no matter how old he is. Remind him gently that as an adult, that also means you can legally kick him out on the street. Then he will learn what it means to be an adult. I sincerely hope you don't have to follow through with the threat, but he is hardly acting like an adult.
If he continues to act like a little punk and refuses to contribute, I say it's time for tough love. Kick him out of the house - and into the garage. He will not be able to come into the house for anything, and he will have to find a way to get his own food with the money he earns as an "adult" with a job. Oh, and he'll also have to pay rent - 20% of his paycheck, just to stay in a garage. He won't die from living that way for two days. If you don't have a garage, it's off to a shelter for the weekend. Then he will see how great he has it, and that he needs to respect you and your rules.
Good for you for stepping in and being the mother figure these kids need. I hope they thank you for it one day.

Answer 5

House rules are not determined based on age. They are determined by where you call home. As an adult he is free to leave and live elsewhere. Unless he buys his own home there will always be house rules of some sort.

Like others have said, as long as he lives under your roof he has to follow your rules. If he refuses just have him escorted out by the police. Or if he really is trying to get in the Navy contact whomever he is talking to at the Navy and discuss this with them. You will be surprised at how interested the Naval officers are in these things. Because if he can't follow your rules what makes him think he will follow the Navy's?

Answer 6

You have to use tough love. Tell him he either follows the rules or he needs to leave. If he won't leave, have him escorted from the property by the authorities. The Navy will be a rude awakening for him. He will have to pee when they say pee, sleep when they say sleep and if he doesn't like it then tough. So he may as well shape up now and get ready for it!! If you evict him, be sure and stop his portion of support so you don't have to pay it back.

By the way....how does he get to work? You are driving him? If so STOP immediately. If he wants a ride to work, he earns it by following your rules. Otherwise don't take him to work. Lock the doors at night if he is past curfew. Don't give him a key to the "night" locks. He's an adult. So treat him like one. Don't cook his meals, don't do his laundry, don't do anything for him if he won't follow the rules. Show him what being a REAL adult is really like.

Answer 7

wow that's really rude of him to treat you like that after all that you have done for him....and he is setting a bad example for the younger ones. I would definitely tell him that if he doesn't get his act together and follow along with your simple house rules, then he has to go. And if he doesn't, pack up his stuff and set it outside (make sure you get ur key back too). Unfortunately I was in a similar situation to this where I lived with my grandmother and at 18 I thought I was hot s***. She told me exactly how it was and if I didn't like it then there was the door. I listened to her though. That's the only difference. Tough love is what you have to do with hard headed teenagers. He may be a legal adult but he is still a teen. Good luck

Answer 8

I feel really bad for you! Maybe since he claims he's an adult treat him exactly like one. He's an adult he can fix his own meals. Tell him he doesn't want to contribute in other ways then he can buy his own food as well. Make him do his own laundry. He'll quickly be picking up after himself once he has no clean clothes. Perhaps if he has his phone and computer taken away? These are privilages he doesn't NEED them. He doesn't want to follow rules, because he's an adult, fine if he's out past curfew, set locks on the inside of the door so he can't come in once it's past time to be home. It's hard to be tough to someone that you love, but sometimes that's what they really need. My mom always called it tough love. Maybe that's what he really needs to wake up. Good luck to you and God Bless.

Answer 9

Kick him out. I'm 19, in college and double majoring, getting a second job in a few weeks, pay for my own car and phone still live at home (only because I can't afford to move out) and I still do chores and clean the entire house once a week.Just because he's 18 doesn't mean he's grown. He's "grown" when he can pay for himself and doesn't need you or the assistance to provide for himself. Tell him if he doesn't get a job and start following rules, he's out. If you kick him out, or at least stop giving him so many freedoms (the phone, computer, scooter) maybe he will straighten up a little and maybe it will also encourage the other children to NOT follow in his footsteps.

Answer 10

It's slightly different for you and your brother, I know it shouldn't be but it is. You are your parents little girl, they are so proud of you and want you too do well but at the same time they don't want you to grow up. Your boyfriend doesn't stay over night, he goes to your house andim assuming your parents are home. He leaves at a respectable hour and your parents are aware of what's going on. Howevenryou are asking to go away, by yourself, to see him. They won't be there to see what's going on and they will worry about you being away from home. Yes they trust you but right now they feel you are too young for this. I know exactly how you feel, my parents were like this with my boyfriend and I. I am 20 but started dating my boyfriend when I was 18. They were very protective of me and weren't sure about me spending nights at his. I think you should be open about what you plan to do and how you plan to get there. Talk to your parents and see what they say. Be mature about it and don't argue it! They might think its too far away and in the middle of a school year