I found out my GF's step-father is/was into BDSM.. how would you react?

Question

A while back I was talking to my GF and she mentioned offhand that years back she was doing something on her step-fathers computer she found BDSM/bondage stories he had written.. and then later pieced together that her mother (whos dead now) and this guy were doing that kind of stuff together. Am I wrong to be a little weirded out by this?

First off no, i'm not a prude and I realize this isnt so uncommon these days..but come on, the guy is in his 50's, thats just a little ****** up. He lives a normal life, works for a local supermarket, no one knows about that side of things.. if me and her had kids one day I don't think i'd want them going near him just on general principle.

Now i'm not saying that people who have unorthodox sexual practices are by nature prone to bad behavior but I just don't trust the guy at all after finding that out.. its like, if someone can have that whole secret life going on, what else are people hiding these days?

The reason I bring this up now mainly is because she wants to have him over for christmas dinner and my parents will be there.. obviously no one else knows anything about this but it would be personally awkward for me. I don't like the guy and never trusted him even before finding this out.. so this only adds fuel to my speculation that he's a scumbag. Also when I say BDSM I dont just mean like..the occasional handcuffs or whatnot that normal people use, I mean the full on whips, leather suits, collars, gender play, etc.. stuff I really dont want to think about, especially in the context of my girlfriend's parental figures.

Okay more info: my GF's mother died a few years ago under questionable circumstances, she was semi-bedridden after botched knee surgery and on oxygen.. one day my GF came home and foudn her dead on the floor, and her step-father was apparently in the house at the time. Call me twisted but I formulated in my mind that maybe she died from erotic asphyxiation and the guy played it off like it was natural causes? I just dont trust the guy, I didnt before I foudn out about BDSM, he just comes off as a scumbag to me. And no i'm not being close-minded, i'm an Atheist raised in Ithaca, NY--home of the alternative lfiestyles. I have nothing against people doing things against the norm, but as always, when something effects you personally, it changes your stance on things.

Answer 1

As long as he seems to control himself there should not be any problems. Everybody has their own quirks the "normal" people inhibit their sexual desires until its the right time. But also trust your instincts. Don't weird everybody out.

Answer 2

WHOA, cool down, dude! Bondage and pedophilia have absolutely no connection whatsoever, first off, so there's no reason to mess up your girlfriend's family by being unnecessarily paranoid. Just cause he likes BDSM doesn't mean he would ever approach someone who didn't want to have sex with him. BDSM erotica may sometimes include roleplay of rape scenes or age play, but those things are done only with someone who in real life is both consenting and of age. BDSM can even include simulated violence, but actual violence isn't part of the game. Next, being over thirty doesn't cancel a human being's sex drive. People over fifty have sex. People over sixty have sex. People over seventy have sex. When you are in your fifties, you will likely be having sex. And the things that turn you on now will likely be the things that will turn you on then. If your girlfriend's stepfather was into that at your age, you'd be less freaked out, right? Why should his age change what turns him on? Try thinking of the sexiest thing you can think of, then imagine yourself thinking the same thought when you're over fifty. Are you okay with that? Do you feel that your fantasy life is apparent in the way you act every day? There is no reason for you to not trust this man. He has never lied to you. He has never acted inappropriately that you know of. There is no reason for you to suspect him of killing her mother, intentionally or accidentally. There isn't even any proof that his sex with her mother ever went into BDSM. This could just be something he thought was sexy, she didn't enjoy, so he wrote some erotica to fulfill that fantasy. You don't even know whether he is a dom or a sub: it could be that the guy enjoys getting tied up now and then. Does he still sound as scary that way? Far beyond that, though, I can't stress enough that his sexual fantasy life--and really, that's all this is--simply is not your business. You now know something about him that he is probably a little embarrassed about, and if he doesn't know you know, then the best thing to do is to forget you ever heard this embarrassing tidbit about his sexual fantasies, and--as someone ahead of me suggested--think of everything else you know about him, and lay aside the extremely personal thing he never meant to become public knowledge. If you feel like you can't do that, try imagining something of your own that you would never tell him about, and imagine if he knew it. Be a grownup about this. Your girlfriend has known him for years. If she still trusts him as a person, so should you.

Answer 3

Like anyone who comes across this subject who has not encountered it before your reaction is perfectly understandable. You have encountered something that many in society have no value for.

Previous answers have accused you of ‘not understanding’ the unwritten sub text being that if you did understand then you would accept sadism. This is typical of sadism’s totalitarian approach which allows no opinion to be held except for those held by sadists, and is similar to the way fundamentalist religious groups deal with non-believers.

It is absolutely your right to question people who CHOOSE to abuse. You have as much right to believe that abuse in relationships is repugnant as they have to believe that it is the path to some higher consciousness only achievable through pain and humiliation blah de blah.

I would suggest that you find more about sadism, but not from sadists alone. Investigate it with healthy scepticism, and realise that many in the lifestyle are promoting sadism as a panacea, and campaigning for wider society to accept the legitimacy of abusive relationships. Also realise there is a world of difference between a sexual orientation and a sexual preference. Finally you may find that your future stepfather preferences are probably on the milder side of what sadism perpetrates. Believe me there are things that go on that would make your stomach turn.

I don’t think you have anything to worry about when inviting him to stay with you; he will not tie you to a table and thrash you to within an inch of your life. It doesn’t work that way. However knowing what you know about him is bound to colour your view of him, and you may feel about as comfortable as if he turned up for a family meal in a clown suit and a revolving bow tie. Except Sadism isn’t the slightest bit funny.

Try to ignore it for your partners sake, and her relationship with her father, but if the subject does come up for discussion be prepared to be accused of being 'narrow minded' (the stock response to any criticism) if you express any opinion which questions the sadistic creed.

Just tell him you are not so open minded that your brain has fallen out and that your concerns are perfectly reasonable.

Answer 4

BDSM is a personal thing. It's not like he would do anything to your kids. It's like finding out he watches porno alot. Would that make you this uncomfortable? Probably not. It's the same thing just not your flavor. Would you not want to be around him if he was a different religion? Your making a big deal out of something that is so NOT your business. As for him hiding things well, people have sex all the time right? You never see anybody at their jobs acting like they have sex right? They're just them, normal. BDSM does not make you a different type of person that can't be trusted.

Answer 5

You keep saying you have nothing against people who are a little different, but at the same time you know almost NOTHING about them and you allow your fantasy to make up fantastic stories 'which might all be true'.

Basically, you're as tolerant to different behaviour as a muslim extremist is to transvestites. Why don't you just admit it? It will make things a whole lot easier!

For the rest, leave the guy alone. It is not up to you to determine at what age someone should stop having a sex-life (which is exactly what you are doing), and it's not up to Super-Intendent-Detective-You to accuse a guy of murdering his wife because you heard that a couple of leather straps were found years back.
That sort of reasoning belongs in whitch trials.

Fortunately you know nothing of other people's private lives. That doesn't mean they are not up to something. It just means you don't know about it. But because you don't know, you reckon they're all saints.

How difficult is it for you to say 'this is none of my business' ?

Answer 6

You didn't trust the guy in the first place, so no matter what he does, your attitude toward him is not bound to change.

50 year olds are still sexually active by the way... people of that age still have sex all of the time... and they don't feel OLD, they usually feel the same way inside as they did when they were 20.... i know, i'm 50!

BDSM is a personal choice, and people of all ages practice it.... i'm sure you do weird stuff sometimes too.

take care and don't worry about what others do in private.. you don't have to trust this guy, and maybe your instincts are right about him being untrustworthy and unscrupulous?
time will tell.

Answer 7

His sex life is his business and has nothing to do with you or anyone else other than his sexual partners.

No, you shouldn’t be weirded out by it. It’s not ‘f*cked up’ and it in no way means that he’s a scumbag or he can’t be trusted. Nor does it mean that he’s into erotic asphyxiation (*very few* people are into that) or that he’s a murderer.

As much as you’ve tried to convey/convince yourself that you’re open-minded/accepting of alternative sexual lifestyles (which don’t affect you at all) , it’s very obvious that you aren’t.

Answer 8

Your apprehensions are justified. However, you can control your father in laws visits to your place.

Christmas should be an exception... It's great to have the family around and I am sure your father in law will be at his best.

I also do not think that someone who has unusual sexual preferences can also be a bad parent. So, he has unusual preferences, but he hasn't illtreated his daughter, has he?

Be alert, be cautious... but don't spoil the festive fun. Let the family be together...

Answer 9

No you shouldn't be worried about this. Just because hes into a bdsm doesn't mean hes a bad guy. Lots of people have much worse fetishes then bdsm.

Answer 10

You shouldn't be concerned: many people are into BDSM but it is just their personal sex preferences and it does not mean he is a threat to any of your family. Relax, people only hide things like BDSM because of public opinion of them, not because they are doing something dodgy, like it used to be much more common to be closet gay. Be calm and have him round for dinner, it will be fine.