I'm a bridesmaid in the wedding of one of my childhood friends and am having a major dress dispute. I'm a large girl (size 18-20) and am extremely uncomfortable about being sleeveless in the wedding, even with the shawl my friend suggested. I had asked if I could have something similar made but would cover more, which was majorly pulling teeth. I was talked into agreeing to suck it up and do the shawl for at least the main church parts and then put something over it, but then she pretty much decided she didn't want the shawl either and a big blow-up ensued where she essentially asked me to step down and be a reader instead. I'm insulted that she'd rather change the person in the dress than grant one minor addition to the dress for the person, especially knowing how self-conscious I am. I'm at a total loss of what to do now. I agreed to the original strapless with shawl, and now I'm being called the bad guy for being upset that the shawl's being taken away. I don't know what to do.
2007-12-16 16:41:52 · 21 answers · asked by bride2be09 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I'm angry and hurt because I was talked into agreeing to going outside my comfort zone and using just the shawl, and then in the same conversation she decided she didn't want that either. I agreed to what she wanted, and she changed what she wanted immediately after.
2007-12-16 16:54:34 · update #1
"And besides curves are beautiful."
But bat wings the size of some people's waists are not. That's my issue. Not the curves. My bat wings are why I won't even swim without a t-shirt on...in front of family.
2007-12-16 18:01:40 · update #2
don't be too hard on her she is being a bridezilla! Im sure you will look great whether you are a size 18 or a size 8 be confident in yourself and don't forget you are there to stand next to her and she is the one that wants to shine. Good luck
2007-12-16 16:46:19 · answer #1 · answered by feebee_68 2 · 1⤊ 3⤋
She's sort of being the bridezilla. I think it's fair that if you're uncomfortable with showing skin, then you have all the rights to ask for a shawl.
I would seriously talk to her, because no doubt she's very stressed too. Go out for coffee. Talk about the stats of the wedding. Try not to argue, but tell her that you don't feel comfortable showing your shoulders. Tell her that you want to play the role of bridesmaid. But, understand that in order to be a bridesmaid, you may have to do it on her terms - meaning without a shawl. You may have to give in here. Or compromise that for the photos, you'll take off your shawl... Tell her that during the church ceremony, all eyes will be on her, so ask if you could wear a shawl during the ceremony.
Perhaps the two of you could go shopping together to find the shawl that she wants. If she's being a bridezilla and you want to be in her wedding, you'll have to play along with her antics.
I can understand her desire to have all the bridesmaids looking the same, just like in all the wedding magazines. However, she needs to consider that her bridesmaids are still people, not models. So, I think compromising to remove your shawl during photos is acceptable.
To help your selfconciousness: Before the big day, try to learn how to pose so you look slimmer for photos. Simple tricks like not having your arm held tightly against your torso will make you look slimmer! (Seriously, try it...with my arms down against my torso, I have 'Oprah arms' and with my arms a little away from my torso and my shoulder up a little, I have these defined arms and some nice collarbones). Also, standing at an angle will make you look slimmer. If you can learn to pose yourself, you'll feel a lot more confident showing that skin.
From the bride's perspective: I guess, it's really her day. I do understand all your concerns, however, it is the bride's one big day. She probably has this idea in her head and doesn't want one bridesmaid wearing a shawl while all the other's don't wear one. In the long run, would you rather wear a shawl, or be a part of her special day - that's up to you.
2007-12-17 01:03:35 · answer #2 · answered by miss_j 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Having been a bride myself not long ago, I can tell you I would not have made any bridesmaid reveal herself if she was THAT uncomfortable! So yeah, your friend is being a bridezilla. Both of you need to give a little: You need to reveal as much as you can bear so she can achieve the most uniform look as possible, and she needs to be open to the shawl idea so you dont have a heart attack before the ceremony.
I would try to go back to the shawl idea if I were you, possibly have the other bridesmaids back you up? Tell her the shawl is also good because if the girls get chilly at the reception or outside, then they can use the shawl and not their own sweaters/jackets from home, which would look pretty silly.
Once she agrees to the shawl idea, tell her how much you appreciate it, and then dont make any more comments about your insecurities.
2007-12-17 03:57:58 · answer #3 · answered by fizzy stuff 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You're not being a maidzilla, you are however being very self conscious. If it were me being the bride, I would let you wear whatever you want that would make you feel comfortable. However, some brides really want all of their maids to look exactly alike, and afterall you are doing this all for her as it is her wedding, her day, etc. I would recommend wearing the dress without the shawl throughout the photos and the ceremony, but ask her if she would mind if you wore it during the reception. If she says no, then just bear with being uncomfortable for a few hours. Your friend obviously wants you in the ceremony, and she wants you to match with the rest of the girls. Realise that it could be much worse. I would be a lot happier with a friend who wants me to bear the shoulders, than a friend who insists on me covering them up because she considers the extra bits to be too ugly to show in front of people...my point is, she obviously thinks that you guys as a group would look prettier without the shawl. Take it as a compliment and bear with it.
2007-12-17 02:57:06 · answer #4 · answered by jillagig 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that she is being a little unfair, it's not like you are demanding a completely different dress or are making any outrageous requests, a shawl is not something that is expensive or hard to find. I'd say you're better off stepping down and being comfortable in your own clothes, say to your friend that you love her and will support her at the wedding but as you feel too exposed in the dress that she is proposing you wear you'd rather wear something a bit more comfortable and enjoy the day as her guest.
2007-12-17 05:59:45 · answer #5 · answered by sparkleythings_4you 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Technically the bride is the one who chooses everything. If you are uncomfortable with it then why don't you just step down and be a reader. Just go and talk with her and say I'm sorry but I'm really uncomfortable in the dress without the shawl but I'm willing to step down because it is your day.
Personally, if it were me I would just let you wear a different style dress or wear the shawl. But, that is really the only way to not hurt her feelings as she must have this big vision of the wedding. Or you could just go down like she says (that is the only other way not to hurt her feelings) I'm sorry this has happened because I know it has to be hard for both of you. Girls dream there whole lives of this one day. So, it has to be perfect and your shawl was apparently not apart of the perfect day. Maybe, and hopefully she will come to realize that something WILL go wrong on her wedding day and she will let you wear the shawl or a different style dress. Good luck with everythigng.
2007-12-17 00:49:19 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
You are not being a maidzilla, your friend is being selfish. Yes, it is her day, but why is it that brides feel that they have the right to make their maids feel uncomfortable? I am getting married in March and have 2 brides maids & a bridesman (my fiance will also have a groomswoman) and I have requested that they each wear a black long dress that they choose. I just asked that the dresses are long & have no other color. All the women in my wedding have different body types and I knew that they would all be comfortable with something different. I have seen it done before, and it did not detract from the bride.
I understand the arm issue. I am a size 10, but I was a very big girl (size 24) and have large scars on my arms from surgery to remove the batwings...I insisted that my dress have sleeves & would not feel comforable wearing sleevless. It has nothing to do with self-confidence, it has to do with being comfortable in what you are wearing.
2007-12-17 20:56:59 · answer #7 · answered by ilene m 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you both made mistakes.
You let her tred on your personal feelings. The making of this fuss was mostly your doing because as a bridesmaid, you are not the boss.
Your fault was that you haven't been clear from the beginning. Letting her talk you in to something that went too far for you and still not far enough for her was a mistake. You should have made it clear from the beginning that either you feel comfortable, or you are not going to be a bridesmaid - no matter what honor that is.
You are definitely not 'bridezilla from hell'. You're self-consious and your mistake was not being clear enough.
She on the other hand has got zero tolerance for anything that deviates from her 'perfect day'. If she has to step on people's personal feelings or make them feel unconfortable: So be it, it's her day.
A bit selfish and self-centered, I think. Going for too much perfection on your wedding day can only lead to dissapointment, I think. It's her choice, because it's her day. But she's showing the unfriendlier parts of her character here.
Solution: If you want to keep her as a friend: Apologize (big time) and step down.
If you want to lose a friend over this: Keep bickering because you are right.
You are right, but nobody wins if you try to let your right prevail over the holiest of holiest - her wedding day.
2007-12-17 06:17:43 · answer #8 · answered by mgerben 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First let me say big is not a 18 - 20 it is more like 26. How do I know I was a 26 and now am a 18 - 20. And what you think you look like and what people see are to big differences. You see bat wings they may only see you. I a good sized girl but my personality is bigger, learn to be you not your body it will help. And yes I know that it is easier said then done.
As for your friend that is harder. She may think she is helping you. Or she is set on a certain dress a certain way. Ether way it is hard when it is you who gets the hard end. Try talking to her maybe she thought you looked great and was being a pain just to be one. Who knows?
Good Luck and work on being you!
2007-12-17 08:07:27 · answer #9 · answered by crissypeach 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would be unhappy in your position too. What if all the bridesmaids had a shawl so there could be matching going on?
I guess some people are really fixated on exactly how their wedding should go and get hung up on weird details. It's a common neurosis. I hope your friendship gets through this okay, 'cause it's just one wedding day, and in the end, it's not going to make much difference to either of your lives whether you were wearing a strapless gown, a dress with sleeves, or a purple mumu with fringe.
2007-12-17 00:49:06 · answer #10 · answered by Ambivalence 6 · 1⤊ 3⤋
SHE is being a bit of a bridezilla, considering she did say ok to a shawl but then changed her mind.
Just attend as a guest, if she kicked you out and wants you to be a reader, turn down her offer and say you'd just love to be a guest instead.
2007-12-17 12:45:43 · answer #11 · answered by Terri 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋