My father passed away last year, and I just found out something terrible from his past. How do I get over it?

Question

I don't want to go in to details, but what I found out has really upset me. I'm trying very hard not to be mad about this because he's not here anymore. How do I put this out of my mind? I love my father very much and it hurts that I've found this out. I wish I'd never discovered this. I know what he did was a mistake, that's why I want to forget what I know.

Answer 1

just try your hardest to block it out and remember his good moments, not his bad ones.

Answer 2

Try to think about all the great times you had with him. He was a father first and this secret was something of the past. He cared for you and by thinking of the wonderful things about him you can put the bad behind you. Talking it out with someone you care about might help, to hear yourself say it outloud will show you you have the strengh to get through it. The one thing that is so hard for everyone to do is the forgive when you are so mad. You could be the madest you ever have been with a person but if you don't forgive then you'll never be able to move on. By saying it outloud that you forgive him, he will hear you wherever he is and you will feel so much better about you self. The key is to do it when you are ready so it is meaningful and out of the true passion in your heart. You can not just simply forget what has happened but by forgiving the past you can move on with the future.

Answer 3

I don't know why anyone would tell you something about your father that wasn't good, but remember him the way you knew him and for the good person he was. A lot of us have made a mistake some time in our lives that we would like to forget about. People change with time and your father must have been a good man or you wouldn't love him as much as you do. I'm sorry someone felt the need to hurt you with some past history that should have stayed in the closet.

Answer 4

You said that you found out something about your father. But he is not here to either explain it or deny it. What type of father was he to you? That is what you have to remember. Was he a good father, was he there for you? That is what is important now. Not a mistake he made from his past, that he will never be able to explain, apologize for, or deny. We all make mistakes, we are all human. If it is not something that affects the father he was to you, then just forget about it, or forgive him, which ever helps. But you said you loved your father, so remember that, and except that he was not perfect, none of us are, not me or not you.

Answer 5

Therapy might be good. An expert should know just how to help you deal with this. Something tells me just repressing this new knowledge is not a good idea, but then neither would obsessing over it be. You need to learn how to deal with it in manageable increments.

I am so sorry your memory of your father has been tarnished. It is true we are all human and all make mistakes. I just hope he wasn't really Mengele or someone like that.

Answer 6

I know exactly how you feel. My Dad passed 5 yrs ago. I recently found out that he was arrested and convected of impersonating a doctor . To top it off he swindled this lady of her life savings. He had a short sentence but dies 6 mo after he was released from jail. I do not have to many great memories of or with my dad. He spend most of his life trying to get people to believe he was something he really wasn't. So I have to sort through my memories of him and the facts of what he really was. Don't get me wrong I loved the man. I'd just rather love him for who he was when we were together doing fun things, ya'know quality time, then dwell on all the negative that surrounded him most of my life. You basically have to choose if you want to have happy memories of him or not.

Answer 7

Hi hon... you can't "forget" but you can realize something -- you can still look up to your father and love him today. He was only HUMAN when he was alive, and humans make mistakes... sometimes bad ones...

I'm sure that, after he made this mistake, he regretted it... there is no sense for you to be mad, even if he was alive.

You can forgive him in your heart.. It might take time.

If this is still bugging you in a couple weeks or so, maybe talk with your school counselor. let him or her know how you're feeling right now... sometimes it helps to talk, and counselors are trained to help.

Answer 8

i know how you feel. my mom died about a year ago and she was an alcoholic. i found out that she had been arrested a few times, and that really upset me. but i talked to my dad about it, and i even went to a couple of sesions with a therapist. believe me, its not weird seeing one, they actually helped me out a lot. but one thing that i remember is the past is the past and theres no changing it for the future. also, try expressing your feelings in someway. for example i play the guitar and write... it makes me feel tons better. sometimes if you write about stuff you wanna forget, you end up getting it out of your system. i hope this helps. im really sorry for your loss! its not an easy thing to go through =(

Answer 9

This is something that you are just going to have to force yourself to let go. Put a rubber band on your wrist, and whenever you think of the incident, snap the band. It will help you to stop your thought process. It's horrible for you, and I fully understand that it does nobody any good for you to think less of your Dad, now that he's not here to apologise, or explain what he did. You love him, and you dont need to doubt that love.

Answer 10

you love your father for him and the only thing that should matter is how he acted toward you... whatever else he did shouldn't matter... he's your father and you know he would never do anything to hurt you on purpose... and you shouldn't believe everything you hear..... your father isn't here and you can't hear his side of the story.... im very sorry about your father... my grandpa just died 2-3 weeks ago and losing a loved one is very hard... if you need to talk about anything you know where to find me...

Answer 11

It is hard to answer without knowing what it was. You are hearing this second hand. Do not believe everything that you hear. There are always two sides to every story. He is not here to tell you his so let it go. Who told you what you found out? Why did they tell you?