For my fellow Jews -- how about a few jokes to make you smile today?

Question

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full while the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us marketing."
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"$10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty cents a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs $10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."
While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the service and went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?"
"The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"It's true," says Bernie.
"I don't believe you. You are just fooling around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."
"Its really true," says Bernie.
"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school?"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"

Answer 1

Thoughts of a Jewish Buddhist

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

* If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue. Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

* There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

* Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

* Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

* If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

* The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

* Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

* Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

* To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

* Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

Answer 2

Not violence against myself, fortunately. I am grateful though that I decided not to put my hanukiah in the window this year -- I live alone and a swastika was painted outside a building around the corner from mine just over a month ago. I've already lost all the friends I'm going to for thinking that Israel has a right to exist, at least in real life. But that was a pretty hellish time. And I'm glad I quit one of my jobs a couple years ago. My line manager there has since been on the Ain't Hezbollah Grand tour of the Lebanon. I 'obviously know more about this' than he does (his quote), yet somehow I'm still wrong. Intelligent people stop thinking during times like this. Many resent any suggestion that they might be anti-Semitic, yet will strike out against Jews wherever they find us. Keep yourself safe. ((((hugs)))))

Answer 3

Mr. and Mrs. Cohen are having trouble in the marriage bed, and seek the counsel of their rabbi. After hearing their tale of woe, he says "You need to find a young handsome man, and take him home with you. Mrs. Cohen, you should have relations with your husband, while this handsome stranger stands alongside, waving a towel over the two of you. The excitement will invigorate the two of you, and your sex lives will improve." Willing to try anything, they follow the rabbi's advice.
"Nu?" says the rabbi when they return."
"Nothing," said Mr. Cohen. "We're like two herrings, even with this gonif waving his towel."
"So this time, bring him back to your home, only this time YOU wave the towel, Mr. Cohen."
So they follow the rabbi's instructions and wouldn't you know Mrs. Cohen and their new friend are performing a triple mitzvot, while Mr. Cohen waves the towel over the sweaty pile on the bed.

When the frenzy subsides, Mr. Cohen leans over and smugly tells the handsome man "THAT is how to wave a towel!"

Answer 4

They are good jokes. I had heard them before, but only remembered the punch line of the first one...so you gave me a laugh.

"Happy Hanukkah", Dec. 16 - 23, 2007

Answer 5

This foxhole christian got a good belly laugh out of those. Keep it up!

Answer 6

Loved them...!!! they were too cute! "Made my day!!! I'm going to go and have another coffee and laugh somemore..don't know where you got them, wish i knew,..thanks... [e-mail] :)

Answer 7

I'm not Jewish, but I enjoyed the humor. Thanks for the nice giggle!