Dealing with overly zealous religious family members?

Question

I'm asking this here because I'm afraid I can't get a clear view on it because I'm in the middle of it all.

My family has always had very... twisted views of christianity in general. They were even questioned by the church they go to for their strange form of beliefs. If that church knew half of the things they tell their kids (for example: daddy is God's messenger, thus he can do whatever he wants to you), they'd ban them.

WELL. Thank goodness I got away from that and went about living my life, 2,000 miles away in Canada with my husband.


The issue at hand:
They treated me with respect and overwhelming sweetness since the wedding in May - despite my extremely different religious beliefs. I thought things were good.
Yesturday, one of them (a cousin) accused me of being a devil-worshipper due to my difference of beliefs - I could take that, however she told a heavy load of lies to the rest of the family, saying I used ouija boards, and took part in satanic rituals. Now, instead of

coming to me with issues, they've instead banded against the grandmother who raised me. She has alzheimers, can't defend herself, but the entire family has been leaving her horrible messages on her machine.

My husband tells me there's nothing I can do but remove myself from contact with any of them and let them work through it themselves.
Is he right? Am I trying to get involved in something I can't begin to mend?

Answer 1

Yes you are. I have kept my different beliefs from my mother for years. Her belief system is very bigoted and she loves to sit in judgment of everyone else. She went through some books I had and figured out what my beliefs are to some extent. Now she comments quite frequently on her beliefs as stuff comes on the news. How can I be so tolerant of this world? All Muslims are murderers; all Jews are going to burn in hell. Nearly every single time I see her she brings it up--except at Christmas since my lack of the true faith would Kill my grandparents. They would have a heart attack if they only knew.

You have to live your own life. Your family is chosing that their life cannot include you and I have to point out that there are many people in your situation. Amish, if you abandon them after a certain age, you can never come back. Some strict orthodox Catholics who do not believe in divorce, will judge that you are living in sin with a new woman (2nd wife). Mormon cults with 14 yo wives--if you leave, you have died and no one will speak to you again. Many gays who have very "conservative" families are also rejected by their families..

Sometimes you can explain your beliefs and move on. After all, in real life how often does a slightly different belief come up. Especially if you and your husband agree on the big things (like raising children), two different religions rarely butt heads.

But in your case, your family has decided to ostracize you. They lie about you and have decided they cannot tolerate the lies told about you. How can you mend it? You don't even know the lies spread about you. Your mother, in her condition, really doesn't get it. She doesn't know what they are saying about you and wouldn't understand your explanation. She is, unfortunately, living in a world where you are probably very young (perhaps 4 yo) and she has no idea how they can talk about you as if you could live on your own in Canada. The rest of the family feels that being malicious towards you somehow brings them closer to their belief in god. You can't take the bigot out of the person if they truly wish to embrace it.

If you want to take the high road, send them Christmas cards each year, but don't subject yourself to this in person. It's not worth the pain just for the sense of family you need and the feelings of "have I reached out enough" guilt. Embrace your inlaws and consider them your family. Perhaps find a support group with people in similar situations. You aren't as alone as you think.

Answer 2

I think that perhaps your mother may need the invisible crutch of her religion. In this situation it is better to keep your world view to yourself as it is likely that your parents will never be able to understand and are at this stage set in their ways. It is difficult but better to reserve discussions with like minded people. As an antidote to your family situation try listening to the pod cast 'Reasonable Doubts' which is very intelligent, funny and enjoyable. I always regret getting in to 'discussions' with my brother who changes religions and recently plunged into kabbalah. If someone is lacking critical thinking skills it is almost impossible to have a sane sharing of ideas.

Answer 3

If they're picking on a woman with alzheimers then I really don't think that there will be any reasoning with them. They sound very twisted and cruel, Sometimes it;s better to cut ties with people so that they don't drag you down with their craziness. It's not easy to do (I had to dothat with some family myself) but sometimes you just have to.
Good luck!

Answer 4

Stop all contact and move on. And don't be surprised if you find your cousin hiding outside of your home spying on you. From the things she says, that's an indication that she appointed herself to be the spy.

Answer 5

Go with your husband hes your life now live it and let them live the way they want to Enjoy your own life when you get old you'll be glad you did.