What to do when your parents are trying to force their religion upon your child?

Question

I'm an agnostic, my daughter's father (we are divorced) is an atheist. He is dead-set against our daughter ever believing in any sort of higher power. As an agnostic, I'm pretty open-minded and don't mind our daughter at least being aware of what others believe.

That being said, my parents are Christian - my father a devout Catholic, my mother a converted Catholic who started out as a staunch Methodist. I respect their beliefs, but what to do when they're trying to force them on my daughter? Two Christmas gifts they've already given my daughter are a book about the Nativity and a Noah's Ark toy. This isn't the first time they've done something like this. And I know her father is going to insist they don't see her anymore, as they're telling her things in direct conflict with what he's telling her (there is no God, Jesus never existed, the Bible is a fairy tale, etc.)

Any suggestions as to how to handle the entire situation? Thank you all in advance.

Answer 1

Explain to him that your family is trying to explain to her what they believe...just as he teaches her what he believes. It is possible to tell your child what you believe without shutting out all other opinions and he needs to wake up and realize that.
My husband and I are atheists. Our families are all christian. They give my kids religious themed toys at times (noah's ark is actually my daughters favorite toy) When they give them things like that they always tell them the story that goes with it. My husband and I just tell them that some people believe in god and others (like us) do not. We don't make a big deal out of it. Just explain our beliefs and tell them that it's a decision that they have to make for themselves. We also allow them to go to church when we are visiting family (and both have attended church preschools) because we feel like they need to know the bible to be able to say ifthey believe it or don't. (How can you just say no to something you don't even know about? Maybe press that issue home with him.) My husband and I both attended church (3 times a week til we turned 18!) and we are still atheists. If it's truly what your daughter believes (or in this case doesn't) it won't matter how many religious toys, books, etc she gets....it won't affect her decision. However if he continues to be a jerk that WILL affect how she feels about him.
Now even if he doesn't agree about your parents telling her stuff about god it's not up to him whether or not they see her. They aren't doing anything harmful to her by teaching her their beliefs. They are just sharing something that is important to them. That's what families are supposed to do! But I think I'd tell them to lay off on the religious toys just to keep the peace.

EDIT* Also Ithink you should tell everyone involved not to down what the other person believes. Like your ex saying the bible is a fairy tale ...like I said I'm an atheist but I wouldn't put everyone who does believe in god down like that. And if you parents are putting your ex down for being an atheist then they needto stop too. This is a perfect way for you guys to teach your daughter that you can still love and respect people even if you don't agree on everything.

Answer 2

You can always tell them when you have to and as many times as you have to that religion is your responsibility and not theirs.

I get what you are saying about the gifts, with sooo many other toys they could have picked out.WHY those.

Children have a short attention span, I would take those gifts and give them back to them and talk to them. I would not do this infront of the kids, but you need to make sure it does not continue or you are right it will get to the point that your ex will say no more.

If you do not feel comfortable giving the toys back and talking to them, then tell them from now on no more toys or clothes.

Answer 3

When children are from divorced parents they get all kinds of mixed messages if the parents aren't mature enough to put the child's best interests above their own.

Write you ex-husband a letter or send an e-mail about your thoughts on this from your daughters perspective.

Having a discussion sometimes means nobody is really listening to the other person.

Answer 4

this is all about control. Fewer people are more controlling than righteous holier than thou fundamentalists born again and they KNOW they are right. First it is essential you realize that you will not be able to change your parents. They will not ever change. There is no point even speaking to them about it any longer as they do know your preferences and choose to disregard them. It sounds like your child is young now so its not as powerful as it will be later ( I mean most people whether religious or not do know the story of Noah and do know what the nativity scene is) You and your husband will have the greatest influence on your child so I wouldnt worry about it. One thing you may have to prepare for is that when your daughter is older she may choose a religion-she may even choose Islam. We give our children the freedom to choose after we have raised them as best we can. Thats all we can do so my best advice is to be gracious and warm to your parents and be thankful you dont have to live with them ( as many on this site do)

Answer 5

Restricting friends, is not emotionally abusive. So, describe the bad influences? What's "fun"? Describe it. You can object, but until you are out of their home and 18, deal with it like the rest of us did. Rules are rules, and family is family. Oh, so, now you're Muslim? Well, again, why do they have to know your thoughts? You can have thoughts, they're private. Dislike what you wish. Again, move out when you're 18.

Answer 6

Have you spoken to your parents about this? About how it is your child and your decisions (and her father's) should be respected? I think that if they can't get on board with that then I'd cut them off from contact until they agree to play by your rules. But I'm pretty harsh like that. It's disrespectful to you as a mother (and to your ex as the father) to blatantly try to circumvent your wishes.

Basically IMO, you've got 3 scenarios - trying to have a rational conversation with them about it and get them to stop. If you've already tried this you can try it one more time and let them know how much trouble they are causing and demand respect for your parenting choices. If this doesn't help then cut them off. Simple as that. And I know that sucks, but it's your child not theirs. And you deserve respect.

Otherwise, there's going to be this passive-aggressive going-behind-each-other's-back BS that causes stress and potentially damaging your child's early development. A temporary cut-off can be explained to your child as a "time-out" for your parents. Your child should know that sometimes adults do wrong things too, and sometime they need that "time-out."

Answer 7

Speak to your parents and make it clear that your daughter will decide for herself, when she's old enough, what to believe or not and them pressing religion on her is just alienating all of you (the grandchild and her parents).

The toys are harmless really...you can teach your daughter they are just representations of one of the many mythologies that exist (like the greek and roman gods for example) and so no harm in her having or playing with those toys just as there'd be no harm in toys that represent any other work of fiction. Right? Just like giving her a Harry Potter doll...it's all fiction. ☺

Answer 8

it sounds like your parents are trying to teach your daughter religion because your father in law is teaching her that there is no such thing as GOD etc. sit down with both of them and tell them that this cant continue and if your father in law stops telling her there is no GOD then your parents will stop trying to teach her religion. as for the books your parents gave her let her read them or you read them to her and she can make up her own mind as to if there fact of fiction.

Answer 9

Your ex husband has no right cutting off your parents. He has no say over them having a relationship with your parents. You are divorced and you can have anyone you want in their life with any beliefs they want. You tell him to keep his beliefs to himself and not boss you around.

Answer 10

giving a book as a gift is not forcing, but constantly telling the same is not worst than forcing its brainwashing.

i do belive that God does exist, but that's my Personal believe.