I am trying to understand something. My ex was into SM. He also said it "wasn't that important" to him. I expressed interest in it but when we first tried it I thought it was too scary. He was very forceful and teased me about ignoring my safe words. He also tried to do stuff that I had told him not to do when I was in a vulnerable position.
This episode really scared me. However, I liked the guy a lot so I told him that he needed to respect my limits and we needed to take things slow.
Ever since then things were "different" and he pulled away from me sexually. He since broke up with me and said his feelings changed over the past few weeks. (Time wise, this matches up with his feelings being different since this specific night I'm talking about.)
I don't know much about SM...was his behavior normal for SM? I thought safe words were "sacred," and not to be joked about. Was I right to feel scared? Why did he reject me after this?
2007-12-15 19:45:56 · 3 answers · asked by quirkyfunnyone 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
My guesses include:
1. He's pretty inexperienced. Inexperienced dominants screw up in all sorts of ways.
2. It's more important to him than he let on. For social acceptability and not to scare you, he downplayed it.
Teasing you about ignoring your safe words but NOT following through is an advanced S&M technique, that falls under the category of mind1234, where 1234 = the most obvious four-letter word you can think of.
"Pushing your limits" also is not wrong IF done with enough skill and patience.
Basically, I'm suggesting that he's simply not a very good, experienced, or clueful dominant.
As to whether it's "normal" to screw up like that in S&M -- well, is it "normal" to screw up in other activities in life? Either "yes" or "no" is a defensible answer.
By far the best major S&M forum these days is bondage.com. It can be a sarcastic crowd, and the forum is optimized for people who Really Want this, but you also can get all the advice you'd possibly want or need there.
Anyhow, to answer to the question you're probably really asking -- stay away from this guy. He's confused and dangerous -- probably in an innocent way, but dangerous in his cluelessness even so.
If you don't like that answer, then communicate with him. A lot. S&M or any of its variants requires REALLY GOOD communication.
If you want to, please feel free to message me directly.
2007-12-15 20:06:38 · answer #1 · answered by Curt Monash 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
a. you're correct. he should've respected your boundaries. you deserve credit for being open-minded and allowing yourself to try it. the imagery involved in s/m must be based on a mutual understanding that if anything goes too far for either party, the safe word will be heeded to, no questions asked.
b. as to why his feelings changed after that, maybe he is insecure about his sexuality and your (correctly) asking him to respect your limits might have made him ashamed of his behavior (just a guess).
2007-12-15 20:02:37 · answer #2 · answered by Mike 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's your right, your a girl and he should treat you with respect. the truth about the matter is that he is NOT inlove with you.. he doesn't love who you are. he loves what he can get from you, he loves your physical body and not who you truly are. coz if he loves you he would wait until you'd be ready, love is patient and it can wait. your case is different. he feels lust and he isnt really taking you seriously. sorry to be harsh but hats the truth. dont let your emotions get carried away with all he's sweet talk.
don't think that its your lost, coz its not!
good luck to you, hope it helps!
2007-12-15 20:05:31 · answer #3 · answered by heiven 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋