What would Buddhism say about attachment in a love relationship?

Question

If attachment is what creates suffering - what would Buddhism advise on how to create a close relationship with someone?

Does the concept of detachment include relationships?
Are relationships *transient*?
Isn't true love non-transient.

Answer 1

In Buddhism, "love" means Great Love. The mind of Great Love always asks: "How can I help my partner?" If we can keep this quality of mind in our relationships, we cut off attachment and suffering.

When we genuinely ask, "How can I help?", we set aside all self-interest. This type of love is beyond time and space.

Great Love naturally emerges through sincere meditation practice -- it is one of the natural outcomes of the Buddhist path. It naturally partners with wisdom so that our every action is beneficial to everyone we encounter.

This sounds abstract, I know, but I have experienced this myself over two decades of practice. Great Love is present daily in my own marriage, even though my wife and I continually make mistakes. Without practice, we would be left only with small, self-centered love. And this love never lasts.

Answer 2

Someone answered that you cant attain Buddha-hood while in a relationship... Well, i disagree with that fact. Buddha-hood has, in my mind, nothing to do with your marital status. I personally don't see any reasons why it would change anything on your understanding of the mind, emptiness and bliss.

Eventually, i do agree that equanimity will make your relationship change... even "disappear" but it does not stop a person from walking the path... And that relationship might have ended anyways...Or the mutual support of that relationship might be the strenght you might need to overcome some obstacles.

Now, as for the main question... Love without attachement is the goal here. Just pure love, without any grasping or self graspings...It does not mean to hide under a rock. It basically means to let the events happen witouht judgement, and once grasping and judgement are out the door, your love can actually be even more pure then before because you will cherish even the flaws of your partner... making him who he/she his...

And within our western culture, the word "detachement" does not mean the same thing as non-attachement... Detachement is more a "hiding from the world" thing and is to be avoided. Non-attachement is more what you want

Hope it help

Answer 3

It is an incorrect statement to say a practitioner cannot attain enlightenment in a relationship. There are many functions of relationships for a person training in Dharma, from the point of view of Sutra and Tantra. Eventually thru deep concentration and achieving spontaneous realizations of subjects like equanimity, universal love, universal compassion, and tantric realizations, the practitioner goes beyond attachment to one person, but that person still has a karmic relationship with the their partner and aids them in their journey.

Love is a mind that is others based: it is a feeling of warmth, cherishing their happiness, wishes, and freedom, and wishing them to experience these.

Attachment is a self-serving mind that looks out for what it wants from others.

Most relationships are a mixture of the two. The more love the less attachment, the more happy.

Answer 4

Attachment/detachment in Buddhism is based on wisdom, the wisdom of impermanent nature of all things because they are conditional existence. When conditions change, the things change.

So is a relationship. It is a transient relationship. Two are in love when both love each other. When one losses his/her passion, the relationship starts to sour. Even if a love lasts, there is still a moment when one has to part with the other: death. Thus, suffering of parting with one love is inherent in an attached relationship, as is death is inherent in birth.

Detachment means recognizing and realizing this impermanent truth, and thus eliminating sufferings due to parting.

Love itself is not suffering. But parting with one's love is the actual suffering. Problem is, without the wisdom of impermanence, such suffering is inherent in love.

Answer 5

Good one! Yes detachment includes love relationships. Without which there will be suffering. Human love is a transient emotion, that should be pretty clear. Divine Love though is eternal, that is on a higher level than the ones humans operate on.

Answer 6

Attachment doesn't necessarily mean true love and it cause suffering not only to us but many times also to our love ones. Detachment is like holding on tightly but letting go lightly. True love is wanting your love one to live happily and have a better life with or without you therefore you can't be too attached and not letting go when circumstances arises and love is about respecting choices. this is why jealousy is never about true love but self-love and its cause always arises from selfishness.

Answer 7

You can never attain buddhahood while in a relationship. However, if this is not your goal, in this lifetime it does not matter.

Detachment is necessary to free yourself from suffering, it is impossible in a relationship, that is why some people choose to become monks and nuns.

But, this avenue is not always open to all people in this lifetime. You can get as close as possible, and still learn a lot, and still achieve great karma credits, while still being aware that you have that one last vestige of attachment.

Just accept that buddhahood will not be your goal in this lifetime, and enjoy the love and relationship you have been blessed with.

Answer 8

you understand what "attachment" means
it means dependence

when you depend on something, you need it for yourself
kids depend on parents; kids are attached to parents; kids NEED their parents

love relationship is only possible when the notion of ownership is involved
he belongs to her; she belongs to him

"true love" in a popular sense is self-ish

"true love" in spirituality means acceptance
selfless love, or compassion
meaning well for her even though she no longer needs you, or you no longer need her

so a healthy relationship needs respect
acceptance
it's more of that kind of detachment--how you can remain peaceful with yourself whether she is with you or not

it means you will always mean well to her, like you would to yourself and everyone else

Answer 9

If this relationship leads to suffering, then it should be abandoned. If it leads to the extirpation of suffering, it should be maintained.

Answer 10

What need is there of "detachment" ?

You are in many relationships... It's human... Be happy.