she moved out at 18 and relished in her freedom. she's 19 now and has moved back home. her brothers (same dad) have gotten close with her. they didn't have a relationship with her at all growing up. they are avid pot smokers and drinkers. dad's a heavy user (in prison right now), grandma, aunts uncle etc. it's a family affair. her brother just called (10:pm) and woke her to go out and party. there's a street race and seedy folks hang out, show off their cars get high and race. illegally, of course. i do not approve at all. she is 19 and i feel dumb forbidding her. she will probably just leave again and i wouldn't have to know about it. i feel stupid watching her and waiting for "the call". she often stays out all night and calls if she wont be coming home. she's so happy to finally have her brothers. i'm sure she's using and i can't blame them totally. and this is only the stuff i know about. i can't imagine what she's not telling me. any advice?
2007-12-15 17:19:40 · 9 answers · asked by slkrchck 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
i didn't allow this behaviour in the past. she didn't like my rules and she left. she want to be no part of the family. just wants a roof. it's hard to put her out. i find it hard to put her in the street.
2007-12-15 17:59:22 · update #1
she's putting herself through college and works in room service at a five star hotel. i don't take rent, though because i don't pay any. she buys her own food and would like to live as a roommate. she has offered rent. she thinks if she pays rent, she's pulling her own weight and is 'on her own'. the drugs arent in my home. she's never here, herself.
2007-12-15 18:13:28 · update #2
her brothers have their own house. i party house. i'd hate to move her in there.
2007-12-15 18:14:40 · update #3
I can understand as a Mom you are worried, but I think the best thing to do is to let her have her space. She's at the age where she wants to explore and really figure out who she is. If you try to give her too many limitations, she may pull back completely. This is the time when we as Parents have to hope that everything we taught them (or at least the main stuff) has sunk in, and they will be able to make sound decisions. I'm thinking that at her age you did things that your parents were not too fond of either. That's part of growing up. But perhaps you can come to a compromise and if she is going to live with you and chooses to stay out all night to just give you a courtesy call (or text). Not like she feels as though she's checking in, but just taking a minute to let you know she won't be home. And be careful, as tempting as it might be not to drill her. She will only pull back. Try to leave an extra comments or opinions out of it. Just let her know that you respect the fact that she's an adult, but you'd appreciate knowing if she was going to stay out for the night. That would be a great start. And in the meantime, keep reminding yourself that our babies do grow up!
2007-12-15 18:23:18 · answer #1 · answered by MoonGoddess 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She is an adult, and should be treated as one. She doesn't need a curfew, but if she isn't in school she should have a job to pay you some rent. By giving her free room and board with no rules, you are enabling her to live a self-destructive lifestyle.
If I were you, I would set new ground rules. Either go to college, or get a job and pay rent. No drug use or you will be kicked out.
I know it is hard to kick her out, but have you ever seen the show Intervention? Most of the time on that show, the addicted people have gotten away with a destructive lifestyle for so long because they know their family will give them a place to live no matter what.
2007-12-16 02:00:41 · answer #2 · answered by jellybeanchick 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are the parent. You can have rules in your own house. Tell the brothers and your daughter that to live in your house they must abide by certain rules. That is, respect for your house and your beliefs. No one is your house is going to use drugs, stay out all night and not show responsibility. I don't care how old they are, You need to take back control. If they leave, they'll be back. Do any of them work? if not, it's time to get a job or seek a higher education.
2007-12-16 02:12:32 · answer #3 · answered by Laurie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are the parent and it is your house. Set ground rules with consequences. If she is not agreeable then you have to choose what to do. She is 19 and her life is her choice now. I know it hurts as a parent to see her doing this to herself but you can't control her. Your job is done. If you want tough love then turn her in. Maybe jail time and rehab might turn her around but then again maybe not. Only she can choose how to live her life. She is doing it for a reason and if you can get to the bottom of it maybe you can talk to her. It sounds like it is a little late for talking. I would suggest the Serenity prayer.
2007-12-16 01:35:20 · answer #4 · answered by askerwatt 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know it's a worry because she's your daughter and you have loads of love for her in your heart... given this, it is difficult to turn a blind eye to her using.
Please remember, using drugs or drinking is not anyone else's "fault"... your daughter is using her own brain, making her own choices.. no one is forcing her to use, if she is.
You can get good support at Alanon and also OPEN Narcotics Anonymous meetings... the best you can do is take care of YOU...
It seems your daughter wishes to be responsible, and is working and buying her own things... what she does on her own time, is her business... she's an adult, and there's nothing you can do.
I wish i could give you a good solution, but i can't. Your daughter needs to look out for her own, best interests.
You definitely are not supid... you are a mom, worried and concerned.....
I am very serious about Alanon and the open NA meetings... you will meet people who are living similar situations as you, and who will be supportive and understanding.
i wish you well.
2007-12-16 02:44:24 · answer #5 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to show her what tough love is. I was 19 and started to break the law. I was doing drugs and working the streets. My mother told me if I didn't want to live by her rules I would have to leave. I thought that it would be better but I had to learn for myself. Now I have to children of my own and work. I needed that tough love or who knows where I would be right now. I thank my Mom for it now.
Good luck.
2007-12-16 02:07:03 · answer #6 · answered by Spring M 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
my dad almost kicked me out of the house for having a girlfriend that he thought wasnt good looking. Im 19 and im looking at your case.... i see no control. My dad is WAY too controling, but it appears as though you totally lost the grip. Set rules like
a) if you ever sleep outside the house, your never allowed back in
b) if your not home by 12, your not allowed out after 6....
i cant believe how childish she is.... im 19 and i cant imagine needing to be treated that way to be straightened out.
as for the drugs.... shes NOT gonna stop just coz you told her to... not if she has started anyways...
2007-12-16 01:54:08 · answer #7 · answered by something crazy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree, it is your home..
your rules or they gone..
You seem strong enough..
best wishes for you
2007-12-16 02:15:40 · answer #8 · answered by unity 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
set house rules if they don't abide by them put them out.
2007-12-16 01:26:37 · answer #9 · answered by Granny 1 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋