If your brother has died and you have some of his ashes and say that you are going to take him ...?

Question

... for a "walk in the park" (where he spent many happy childhood days) and then scatter his ashes there has *ANYONE* the right to say that that is "selfish" and "just for yourself" ESPECIALLY when they never even knew him but have just married into the Family yet think that they can control it and everyones emotions too.

I want to do it for Christmas because we always went for a walk in the park on Christmas Day.

Answer 1

I don't see anything wrong with that, you have to do what your heart is telling you this is your grief and no one elses and you will come to terms with it in your own way and time. Bx

Answer 2

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother and the pain you must be feeling.

Whoever this new family member is, they have no right to tell you the things you have mentioned. Your personal relationship with your brother is just that...personal.

First of all, make sure that it's legal to scatter his ashes in the public park. If it isn't, try to find another place.

When the time and place is right, go and do what you feel is best in your heart. Say your goodbyes and make the moment beautiful. You will never regret it. By the way...you don't have to announce when you are going to do it. Afterward, you can tell your family if you want.

I don't think you are being selfish...you have the right to grieve.
I hope whatever you decide on helps with the healing process. God Bless.

Answer 3

When my father died my mother and his mother took the ashes and scattered them in a place they felt would have had meaning to him. My uncle (my fathers brother) was pretty upset by it. I was too young at the time (13) to think anything of it. Now as an adult I think I would have liked to have been a part of that moment. It was a special moment (kind of like letting him go) and I will never have that chance now. I don't know if it was the wrong or right thing to do but it is the time when people have their last chance to say goodbye.

But I also understand that while you are grieving you are probly not really thinking like this.

Answer 4

What is the alternative? My husband's mother died last year and my sil wanted to divide the ashes, because she wanted them scattered in Cornwall. That wasn't the problem but she wanted them dont to her timescale, which upset me very much, as I couldn't go. I was due for an operation.
In the end, the rest of the family went, because we felt awful about dividing the ashes.
If your brother has family, children, etc it should be up to them what they do with the ashes. I can sympathise with you - I am very resentful of my controlling sister in law - but again, I think my mother in law would have been distraught if we all fell out over it.

Answer 5

The main problem here would be that if you said "walk in the park" its kinda like you were hiding the fact that you were going to scatter the ashes. I don't think the act itself is selfish but the fact that you didn't give anyone else a chance to be there to could be. It might hurt other feelings to have been left out.
Overall it would be in bad taste to tell someone in pain that they did it be selfish or for themselves. Its a little gray on both sides.

Answer 6

Hi Joan,
Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss.
I don't understand what your question is saying though. If you just want to go and do this by yourself then that is fine and no-one should call you selfish for it, but if you want them all to go with you or if you want a lift from them on Christmas Day then that's a different matter. People don't want to be dragged away from their houses on Christmas Day unless absolutely necessary and I think that is fair. It may be a personal thing for you Joan but it isn't for them.
I hope it all ends well anyway.

Answer 7

If you were the closest to him then you'll know what he would have wanted. Perhaps suggest the family member comes along with you.
I remember when my grandma & grandad died a few years ago.I was really upset as i'd seen my grandma right before she died & she told me i was her favourite.I didn't tell my cousins this but my parents were there at the time. Whilst i was grieving, the extended family were selling off all the belongings & kept most of the special stuff to remember them by for themselves.I didn't get a thing to remember them by & it broke my heart.I have memories but would love something else like a photo when they were younger.

People don't think sometimes about others feelings.

Answer 8

You said you had some of his ashes so does his wife or who ever have the rest. Also maybe you should include everyone he loved even if they married in. It is a little selfish for them no to be apart especially if he did have funeral or memorial eveyone wants to say good by

Answer 9

Joan,My sympathies to you and your family.I'm not sure if you are saying that your brother has just died,if I'm wrong my apologies for my error.If it were me, I would wait before I spread his ashes. since the emotions are so raw at this time.I would wait until spring when the flowers are out and the sun is shining to scatter his ashes.Maybe say a silent prayer at that time as well..I think it is a beautiful thought to want to take him where he spent many happy hours.I would think it would be too emotional to do it at this time.You must do what your heart tells you.is right.Take care.

Answer 10

what were his wishes joan ?, did he have any plans for after his death ?, were you his next of kin ?, i only ask this because only the next of kin can release his ashes to be scattered ,(you probs know this anyway) if you are his n of k , you are within your rights to scatter them wherever you want , and where you think he may have wanted them to go,
i think the park would be a lovely place to do it .with all the memories you once shared its a hard one because sadly with death brings bad feeling and fall outs and with christmas looming ,tensions will be running high enough as it is , as for emotions people grieve in different ways ,noone can control anyones feelings , if you feel like crying cry , its only natural , my advice joan is do what you think is best , the way i coped last christmas was to stay angry , it got me through the dark days , and of course my strength which came from nowhere go with your heart my thoughts are with you xxxxx

Answer 11

I am sorry for your loss.
Did your brother have a wife/partner and children? If so they really have the overall say about what happens to the ashes - even if it doesn't seem right.
Otherwise sit the family down and explain why you feel the park is the best place and include them.