How Can a 20 Year Old Get Her Controlling Mother to Back Off????????

Question

Hi,

As you already know, I'm 20 year's old. I am a junior in college, and I can't seem to get my mom to understand that I'm old enough to live my own life.

I have always been the kid in the family that did everything right and always followed the rules when everyone else was rebelling. I always thought that being so responsible and respectful would pay-off for me once I was old enough to start dating and i know I'm more than old enough, but now it's seems like it has backfired on me. See i've finally met a great guy,he is my first boyfriend, and we have been dating for 5 months... well because my mother is so overprotective she needs to know where we are and what we are doing always. And now its causing problems with my boyfriend, he is starting to get tired of her constantly monitoring me. He's 25 and he cannot believe how obsessive she is. I have a tight knit family and my younger cousins all have more freedom than me.. its driving me crazy.... any advice??

Answer 1

Well, I think it says alot about your family dynamic that you are only NOW having a first boyfriend at the age of 20! Most girls date when they are 16 or 17! With this in mind, that's why your mom is being so nuts. She's worried because this is your first experience with a guy so she's probably worried you'll get hurt or that you'll fall in love with the first guy you met & won't keep your options open. She needs to back off though. Life is not about living a perfect life....no one can do that. No matter how much she monitors, you're WILL get hurt, you WILL make mistakes but that's life. And you HAVE to go through those experiences in order to learn and grow from them. It's hard for a parent to let their child go into experiences knowing they could get hurt. It's instinct to protect them at all costs. But she has to understand that her "protection" is just hurting you. While she may like to just wrap you in bubble wrap before sending you out into the big world, that's just not realistic. What kind of life would you have if you never took a risk on love? Love IS a risk but you have to go through dating to find that prince.

Sit her down. Make time for just a mom & daughter date - like shopping & lunch. At lunch, tell her how much you love her, that you understand why she'd be worried but that it's time that she trusts you. College is time for finding out who you are, how independent you can be, etc. She has to let you find your own way. It's time for her to cut the cord.

Answer 2

At age 20 you are going to need a little gentle role reversal here. Treat your mother with the kind of respect and patience you WISH she ahd always treated you with when she was training you in things like performing household chores without prompting or accepting that the household budget just wasn't to cover that 'must have' item all your friends had. Ask gentle, probing, open ended questions like "Did you expect to be back home at some particular time? Why did you expect that? Is there something I can do so that you won't be so upset when I stay out late?" Notice that "well just don't stay out late" isn't one of the option you make available to mom. If mom is in a position where she feels like she has no control at all over what is going on under he own roof, she is going to be a resentful lady, looking for things to gripe about. If she feels that you have consulted her to negotiate a compromise, she is much more likely to accept that compromise in good faith. She no longer has the kind of authority she had when you were 16. But since you are living under her roof, you do have a certain obligation to keep her somewhat informed about your doings so that she doesn't worry. Even when you are 45 and she is 65, she will still worry if you go the the supermarket and are gone more than an hour. To her, you will always be a helpless 3 year old. That will never change, so just mellow out and prepare to deal with another 40 or 50 years of it. If I had to sum all this up, it would be "You're going to have to play the adult here and find a kind, adult way to keep this from developing into a power struggle between you and mom."

Answer 3

First of all, it sounds like your mother really loves you...lucky you!!
Speaking as a mother of an almost 21 year old daughter, I can almost relate...your mom is probably worried that a 25 year old guy might be too old for you experience-wise. By that I mean you are still in school and he is probably out in the working world. She may worry that you will be distracted from your studies or that you may drop out of school to be with him. It doesn't matter if it's true or not...it is probably something she is just going to worry about anyway. And the fact that a 25 year old man is your very first boyfriend is probably pretty hard for her to deal with...she may be worried that he will hurt you or take advantage of your inexperience. Has she met him yet? Invite him to dinner and encourage the two of them to get to know each other and be comfortable with each other.
Also...(and I had to stop myself from doing this to my daughter)
she may be dealing with her feelings about letting you go...it's hard to admit your children don't need you anymore...but if you love them and trust that you've brought them up right, letting go is the best gift you can give them.
Visit with your Mom over the holidays and have a heart-to-heart talk with her...tell her that you are grateful that she cares so much and she's done such a great job of raising you that you feel confident about making responsible decisions. Tell her all the good qualities about your boyfriend and remind her he is only the first . Keep that thought in mind for yourself, too. People very seldom end up with the first person they date.
In the meantime, have fun, be careful and gently reassure your mother that while you love and appreciate her, it's time for you to start letting go of her as well, and finding your own path in life.

Answer 4

The best you can do it be up front with her and tell her that she needs to let go. Talk maturely to her and discuss how you have never given her a reason to not trust you or your judgement (this is important to say, because they will always come out with the 'its not you I don't trust line). Tell her that you need to live your own life now and being 20, you have that right. I would guess that from your explanation of your growing up years, you are an oldest child. I could be wrong, but they tend to be the people pleasers...especially their parents. I was the same way and it backfired on me the same way. Now, my solution is not one I advocate (moving the heck out when I was 17 and going three hours away), but it opened the lines of communication as to how she was stiffling me and I needed to be more responsible for my choices. And you can do that without taking off for another state!

Answer 5

It will be very hard for a controlling person to back off. But try telling her this. Tell her that she has raised you right and that she has taught you how to have good judgment when it comes to other people, but you are an adult now, and you would like for her to treat you like one. You have to make your own choices now, as well as your own mistakes, other wise you will never learn to take care of your self. Tell her you love her and appreciate all that she has taught you while you were growing up, but she has to let go now that you are and adult, and trust that she has done her job right. And you know that she will be there for you if you ever need any advice. That way she will not feel like you are cutting her off completely.

Answer 6

my mom is the same way well really my whole family. i am 25 and somehow i balance. u just have to stand up to them it may cause a fight but there has to come a point when u assert your independence. my mom is great we are best friends but for a long time i felt like she was trying to run me like i was still a teen. once we had our blow up we have been closer and it was gross at first but now we can even discuss our sex life's like normal girlfriends would.

Answer 7

If you live at home, move out. This can help. If you are living at home and can't move out now, you need to work on that. If you are living on your own, and this foolishness is going on, tell her as nicely as possible, that you are an adult, and you are in an adult relationship. You appreciate her caring, but there are somethings in life that you will have to learn on your own. Tell her that she is your mother and you will always love her, but you need to live your life as an adult

Answer 8

Do you live at home? if so then she has the right to know when you are coming home but that is about all. tell her that she needs to back off and let you live your own life.

Answer 9

Kelli, as angry as you might be, the moment should be tender when you sit her down and explain why you need space and respect. There should be no distractions in the room, and your voice calm and quietened. "After all, mom, I'll be moving out on my own down the road and we want to be on good relations, right?" G'luck, kelli.

Answer 10

I have this exact problem and I happen to be 20 also. My mom does this to me every weekend. Shes always trying to get me to come home at 8! WTF? Anyways, I stopped asking her if I could go out and started telling her i'd be home at a certain time. If she doesnt like it, too bad! She needs to get used to it. Its suffocating!

Good Luck!