any advice for a desperate mom with a 13month old who is extremely attached???

Question

i have a 13 month old who i can not leave with anyone without her screaming bloody murder.
if we go out i can not leave her sight.
i can't leave her in the church nursery.
We went to the ymca friday for kids play. and she sat on my lap for an hour,she would walk about 2 steps then come back to me.
if i got up she would cry and want to be held.
she is just really really attached to me. even if we are home she wants me all the time. she will play good for a few minutes then she wants me.
while i do love holding her and loving on her, i like to be able to do things around the house too
yes i am a stay at home mom. i also have a 4 y/o.
what can id o to help her cope with me leaving her?
i just got the membership to the Ymca and i'd like to be able to leave her in the daycare for an hour to exercise or somthing, but i do not want to just let her cry either.

Answer 1

Hi.
Your description of your daughter made me think of a book I read called "The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer" by Tracey Hogg. In it she describes different kinds of temperament that babies and toddlers typically fall in to (they can cross over to more than one though) and these are: angel, textbook, spirited, grumpy, and touchy. It is possible that your daughter might slot in to the touchy category as she is so clingy and unwilling to leave you to join in with other activities even when you stay nearby. Touchy babies are typically cautious and sensitive.
It is also a time in a toddlers' life when they can be a bit naturally clingy to mum anyway (I have a 14 month old who was like that for a while but is starting to get more independent).

It is great that you are trying to get her used to being away from you for short periods of time, but not forcing the issue. The book I was referring to recommends for touchy babies (again I am just assuming this might fit your daughter) that too much sensory overload can send these children over the edge and that it is better to socialise in a small group of just one or two children (not all that possible though I know). It also suggests explaining everything you are doing, step by step, as a way of reassuring her (even when changing nappies, when preparing to go out etc.). It says if your child doesn't want to play with others and is asking for you then let her sit with you and reassure her she doesn't have to play until she is ready (she likens it to throwing a child who can't swim into a pool!). A little encouragement is good but it can't be forced. Let them adjust to situations at their own pace.

I guess what this means then is that it is going to take some time for your daughter to get used to situations like that. As for around the house, that makes it hard for you to get anything done I can imagine. When my son went through a clingy time I would be so busy I'd have to say to him "mummy can't pick you up now she is too busy" and try to do things quickly! I'd try to make as much time for him as I could and when he became settled in play then maybe I could go back to other things.
Is it possible to stay with her at the YMCA daycare for a little while to build up her confidence, then gradually try leaving her for longer times? Maybe you can leave her there with one of her favourite toys or something of yours so she feels secure?

I hope that helps a bit and that you can get a bit of time to yourself.

Good luck.

(Mum of 2 toddlers)

Answer 2

I am going through this right now with my 15 month old daughter. She only does it at home though. I stay at home all day with her also. She just started doing this. If I get up to go to the bathroom she will wait at the door and cry so I find it easier just to leave the door open and let her come in. However, when my husband is home and I want a few minutes to myself to take a shower I just tell my daughter that I am going to take a shower and she will have to play with Daddy until I come back. She will sometimes cry a little but gets over it quickly. Thank God she doesn't do that for church nursery...she loves going to that. When you have something to do (like dishes, for instance) I would just tell her you have something to do and she can play near you if she likes. Then do what you have to do...if she cries, you may have to reassure her but don't pick her up right away. Tell her you will when you are finished doing what you are doing. Your daughter has to learn that it isn't always about what she wants and that others have needs too. It sounds harsh but it is a life lesson that we all have to learn. If she is screaming like crazy then just get down on her level and hug her (just don't pick her up until you are done with your task)...but if you are not done with what you are doing then tell her you have to finish and you will pick her up when you are done. Be consistent...eventually she will realize that you won't pick her up until you are finished with what you are doing. Good luck.

Answer 3

Well unfortunately you're going to have to let her cry sometimes... she is controlling you right now. She is old enough now to understand what is going on and how to get what she wants.
I think it would be beneficial to put her in some kind of program during the day... maybe a day or 2 a week... get her out with other kids her age.
You're going to need to learn how to leave even if she is crying... she is fine really, she is just getting your attention, and clearly it is working.

Be the mom, teach her what is right and wrong, don't let her control you.

Obviously make sure she is ok, but then you have to let her get out into the world and be with other people.

Answer 4

My DIL was having the same problem, she was staying home with Tylyn all day everyday. So I started going over and taking Tylyn to lunch with me once a week, now my DIL is subbing 2 days a week and I watch her. She is still clingy, but doesn't cry anymore, so I guess I'm saying start with small amounts of time and maybe with Grandma if that's possible. She knows when she cries that you will pick her up. So start with 1/2 hour.

Answer 5

start with baby steps at home which is a safe environment to her. while sitting in the floor with her favorite toy there, say you sit here and play with dolly while i sit here and watch. do this sitting about a foot from her. when she tries to get in your lap say, you are sitting there with dolly playing and i am sitting here. then start talking about dolly and distracting her. she might whine, but thats ok... just keep reassuring her and praising her for sitting there playing nicely with dolly. do this over and over gradually inching farther away over the course of several days until you can sit her on one side of room while you are on other... then move it to... you are in the bedroom and i am standing in the hallway... etc.... eventually you can be standing out of sight, etc, it may take weeks or even a month or two, but she will eventually get it.. meantime, spend lots of good time in the y's daycare room so she thinks of it as a positive place. Good luck!

Answer 6

remember everything is a phase. Whenever I am going through something it always feels like it is never going to end. But Just one day they will stop you might not even notice. And then on to the next phase. I know at the moment it feels frustrating but it will end trust me.

Answer 7

There is an answer, but you are not going to like it.

There is only one way to get her accustomed to feeling secure while your are away. And that, of course is, you must leave her.

Yes, she will cry. For the first several times she may wail the whole time that you are gone. Right now, it is clear that she doesn't understand that when you leave, you will come back, and there is only one way to teach her that lesson. You must leave, and then come back.

And yes, you can leave her in the church nursery. Unless the people working in the nursery are completely inexperienced, the whole point of the nursery is to allow parents to attend church services without having to leave every 10 minutes with a crying, upset, or happily cooing at the top of their lungs baby.

Here is the thing. I noticed you said that you didn't just want to let her cry. Now, obviously if her diaper needs to be changed, if she needs to be fed, those needs must be attended to as quickly as possible. However, part of every life including babyhood, childhood, adolescence and adulthood is dealing with discomfort, with pain, and learning how to handle negative emotions, pain, and suffering.

I know that as a parent you don't ever want your child to feel pain or suffering, but there is no help for that. What your role is, is to help them learn to deal with it in a healthy manner. If you always try and prevent your children from having to deal with issues of seperation and loss, then they will never learn and they will be emotionally crippled.

In leaving her and returning you will be giving her a painful, healthy, and beautiful message.

Painful--because she will fear that you are never coming back.

Healthy-- Allowing her to express her fear, pain, and discomfort and discover that she can feel and express these and does not need to bury them or deny them.

Beautiful -- You will by doing so eventually teach her the meaning of trust. She will be able to rest condident and secure in the knowledge that though you may leave, you will always come back.

Furthermore, she will learn how to self-soothe. In your absence, she will start to discover that be imagining you coming back and being with her she can comfort herself. In essence, she will internalize you, and be able to use that to comfort herself, and in your absence, she will begin to discover multiple ways of self soothing, which is a skill that she will absolutely need to function as a healthy adult.

I know its painful. I know leaving your child while she is crying must seem like the ultimate in betrayal. But it is a necessary step in the development of the mother/child relationship.

Now, one word of caution. If these things don't seem to take hold, get her checked out carefully by a physician to rule out any health issues that could be causing any pain or discomfort in her that being near you soothes somewhat, and that magnifies when you leave.

Answer 8

You need to begin to show her that you will return. I don't know if this is seperation anxiety or just that you have allowed this child to run your life.

When you get read to go out, tell her you will be back in 10 minutes. Then, be back in 10 minutes and say "see, mommy came back". Keep doing this for longer and long periods of time. Do not give in to her crying, that has been your problem in the past. When she begins to cry, you keep moving out the door. I don't care how loud she gets. You have to break this hold she has on you.

Answer 9

it might not be the right time for her, You might consider waiting a bit longer