Why am I angry at my mother but not my father?

Question

My parents weren't all that fantastic - they were abusive and generally unpleasant. I left home abruptly (technically I ran away) several years ago because I could no longer survive mentally or physically in that environment anymore.

I am very angry with my mother for the things she did and said and how she made me feel. I'm furious at her. But for some reason, I don't have anywhere near the same level of anger toward my father.

I have far more reason to be angry with him - my mother made my childhood lonely and extremely miserable...he made it hell. But for some reason, I feel nothing toward him - just emptiness with the occasional exception of a little pity, fear or irritation. It's as if he no longer matters to me. I just don't care about him anymore.

Now that feels far more comfortable than the anger I have for my mother. But I don't understand the difference in the way I feel toward them. Why am I able to feel like this about my father but not my mother?

Joe- thank you :)

Answer 1

What you feel for your father is indifference. He no longer matters. Your mother you hold responsible for it all simply because she is your mother. When your mother lets you down it is the ultimate rejection. She hurt you more in your heart than anything. Have you ever tried talking with her since you left home and let her know how you feel? Time and absence are great healers. Depending on both parties involved. If she is unreceptive to you, then you can go your way with a clear conscience and your heart intact. Some people just can't show love, they never had love and don't know how to give it. The ball is in your park. It's up to you to try. If it doesn't work out, then you can walk away and the indifference you feel for your father can also go to your mother. Remember, anyone can give birth, but not everyone makes a good parent. Or, in other words, anyone can plant a seed, but not everyone knows how to nurture and love a plant into maturity. I'm sorry your family life was so bad. Don't let it ruin the rest of your life. Don't let your past be an excuse to warrant any bad feelings or attitudes. You know where your problems are from, it's up to you to defeat those problems in your own heart and mind. Then live your life to its fullest. I wish you the best.

Answer 2

People change through the years. Your 1st mom is hurt, and was hurt. After all, she placed you probably because she had no backup, no help, and felt betrayed and abandoned. She probably has more issues since you were placed with adoption. It sounds like neither one of them were ready to parent, and there's a good chance that maybe your father wanted you, and had more upset emotions than your 1st mom did. You won't know the answer to everything unless you do meet your father. Please have forgiveness in your heart for both of them, because your mom and dad probably didn't communicate very well back then (one of the main reasons people divorce these days), and there's probably a lot of conflict with their stories, and each one most likely feels they're right. Also be prepared that he's not the man you might expect. Have patience with your first mom, and I hope things continue to go good for you. It sound like you have 4 parents who love you. Good luck!

Answer 3

It seems that your father was far worse than your mother was and so you put up a wall, emotionally, regarding your father. That is why you simply don't care. The hurt is to deep that blocking him out and having NO feeling is less painful.

Your mother, on the other hand, being that she was not quite as bad, you still have some feelings that you can not block. Your anger at her is twice as bad because not only did she hurt you, but she allowed your father to hurt you as well. Mothers and daughters are instinctively suppose to have a bond that differs from their father, that goes with sons and mothers as well. The mother is the nurturer and comforter, while the father primarly is looked upon as the disicplinary role. Your mother failed to do this for you, harboring more angrer at her within you.

You should try to address this in counseling or something. Usually, the older you grow, the more it will mess with your mind and feelings unless you can get closure to it. It doesn't have to involve them if you make the choice to not see them again or are not ready to have them know this. Having siad that, being able to actually tell them what they caused can bring much relief and closure as well, but not in a hostile enviroment.

The next thing is to forgive them and to also forgive yourself. You may not think you need to forgive yourself, but deep down you may feel guilt for your anger. You need to understand that their abuse was their wrong doing not to your fault and forgive yourself for the anger you have carried around. Forgiving them doesn't mean forgetting what they did, it just means letting go of the feelings and not dwelling on it anymore. It doesn't mean that you have to form some new relationship with them that is mostly your pretending to not be angry, it just means forgiving so that you know in your heart that you were big enough to forgive them and that will enable you to not dwell on it and to get the closure you need for yourself.

Good luck and I hope you can get rid of the feelings altogether so that you can move on in your life without any resentment or anger inside. Anger is usually a bomb that explodes. The longer your bottle it up, the bigger the explosion will be. Let it go and let yourself go in peace within.

Have a wonderful holiday season!!!!!

Answer 4

You counted on your mother to be at your side always, especially since your dad was abusive toward you. As her daughter it is understandable that you suppose to have a strong bond with your mom. You were robbed of that type of a relationship.

When your dad become indocile toward you, a true loving mother would protect you from him, and sadly she was not being protective toward you. She added on the pain you had suffer under their roof.

In many senses you tolerated your dad behavior, but you expect more from your mom, because she suppose to very affectionate like most caring mothers. Instead of her being supportive of you she added more pain in your heart. Your mom should of consider divorce her husband unless he treat her and you better. This is not case she just made matter worst for you. I know you wanted a tight bond with her, and your dad if possible because all kids does.

Tis the season to be Thankful. You must not hold any resentment or anger toward them. Your heart was broken, and I understand, but don't break your own heart by allowing your parents to effect your living.

You must keep your soul at peace all the time. Your experience with them is only a learning tool. When you have your own family, be the best mom that she couldn't give to you.

Have a wonderful Christmas. God bless.

Answer 5

Maybe the reason is that you love your mother more and/or were closer to her, and that is why her betrayal through bad treatment hurts more. Maybe that is completely wrong, I don't know, but that is what comes to mind. I hope you have someone you can talk to about it and it is not stopping you living your life as well as you can. Maybe a psychologist or therapist would have the skills to help you figure out what you are thinking yourself and whether you want to talk to your parents about it, and that sort of thing. Do you have brothers or sisters in this situation too? Good luck, hope things go well for you.

Answer 6

maternal bonds are stronger, and therefore harder to give up on. like some others have said, you still love her. or at least, you don't want to give up on everything. mothers hold some very strong symbolism, and perhaps in some way, she symbolizes to you some sort of comfort, as if she is the one that is supposed to protect you. but she hasn't, and you are angry - angrier than at your father. the fact is, you know that they are both to blame, in some aspect. but you will never heal if you continue to look at this in a juvenille aspect. once you aren't so angry and blinded by the mentality of adolescence, you will see that blaming others for your troubled past is futile - even if they apparently did cause you pain.

i think there is much more that you should focus on, at this time. i hope you are going to therapy regularly, and working through solving through traumatic past experiences, and preventing future pain by being aware of mannerisms and emotions that you may be having.

good luck - it's a tough road ahead, but it's possible to come out of this with a lot more strength, and a lot less blame.

Answer 7

You have no feelings left for your father as you said, love and hate are both powerful emotions and are divided, by a very fine line,and then there is fear, and that fear stops us crossing that fine line, you hate your mother because regardless of all, you still love her but most of all you want her approval, you are not alone with those emotions, you will come to a time when YOU will approve what and who YOU are, THEN IT WILL NOT MATTER SO MUCH ANY MORE.

Answer 8

Maybe you can't reason the things your father did to you. Either way you need to move on and close that chapter of your life. If they both don't matter to you anymore don't let them fill your thoughts.

Answer 9

It sounds like your Mother didn't
protect you.
She didn't make everything ok.

Being the same gender, she knew how
you felt, and she didn't stop it.

We don't always expect fathers to know
how we feel.
So we sometimes don't blame them.

Answer 10

My theory is you know your father wont care how you feel but your mother might, so you put it all on her because maybe she might feel some guilt where he wont. I could be wrong maybe she doesnt care either but its just a thought.