Will my mother ever change?

Question

For over 30 years now my mother has been a really difficult person to deal with. Our communication is awful. All she ever do is display and say negative statements. She gets upsets when I gave a photo to my aunt. She gets upset when I visit my mother in law. To sum it up she gets upset at alot of little things. I don't know how to please her and truefully I am tired of trying to live up to her expectations. I think she has either bipolar or some sort of depression disorder where she takes out her moodiness on her kids. Its been so long now I am wondering if she will ever be a loving, kind mother thats consistant. I avoid talking or visiting her months at a time. I live about 20 minutes away and have only seen her about a handful of times a year. This cant be healthy for either one of us but I dont want to see her only to hear negative comments.
Is she going to change or is it terrible I dont care anymore?

Answer 1

Ofcourse you would never stop caring as she is your mum. You can talk to her and tell her she keeps saying negative things. But that usually is hard to do. I suggest that every bad comment she gives you return a witty comment to her. That can either annoy her or make her stop but whatever she says back keep saying witty comments. It may eventually change her ................... x

Answer 2

Your mother might have a mental illness problem, or she might simply have skewed thinking... if she was raied in an alcoholic home, her behavior is typical of many adult children of alcoholics....

Your mom has no concept of live and let live... it doesn't affect her if you give a photo to your aunt... and it doesn't affect her when you visit someone other than her...

If your mom wants help with her behaviors, i suppose she will get some.. right now she probably thinks her behavior is "normal".

Don't visit her if you can't stand it... I'm sure you care in your own way. I understand that avoidance of your mother is about self-preservation. Do what is best for you.. Can't "fix" anyone else.

hugs

Answer 3

How very sad. I know quite precisely what you mean.
I have come upon a solution that works for me. You see, I do love my mom, who is 83, and our histories are probably more similar than you think.
What I decided was that because I do love my mom, and because I am a somewhat more up-beat, optimistic person, I write her (yes, snail mail) each and every week giving her all the details of my somewhat mundane life. I also harken back to pleasant, sometimes very old, memories of times we shared. I make much of them to remind her of her own happier times.
A surprising thing has happened. When I speak to my sisters, they tell me that Mom talks about my letters to her, and she shares them with any who will read. Now when I speak to her on the phone, she talks almost entirely about the things I wrote her about. So little negativity that I have to check and make sure I have dialed the correct number.
All is not lost, and If you can plant a small, but happy seed in your mom's head, it is certainly worth 15 minutes of your time each week, along with 43 cents postage.
I think that you may find it just as positive and healing for you!

Answer 4

my friend who is 34 has a mother like this. she hasn't let up her her since she was a preteen. She is never doing anything the rite way, she always (needs) to be corrected etc.
my other friend who is 31 has the same problem with her mother however she will be nice one minute wanting to build a bond then a bit latter she hates her daughter and never wants to see her again.
have you talked to her regarding the way she treats you? if she seems liek she doesn't know what you are talking about and seems sorry then you have a good chance of her changing, however if she pushes it off she more then likely won't.
she very well could have a mood disorder and maybe you can bring this up to her. some people that have them don't relize they are being nippy to put it nicely.

Answer 5

Mate have you ever told her your true feelings about the situation? If not I think you should and she might just realise that she has made a mistake about it all. If I were you I would see her and tell her honestly how you feel and that if she can't try to do better on her behalf that you have tried for 30 years and that you will move on with your life. Its sad to say but people can only ever be given so many chances.

Answer 6

You are not in the wrong, you've tired but now its time to grow up. I can kind of relate to you because my mother is a difficult person and she suffers with depression. Anything that is not done her way she is unhappy, she expects me to live to her expectations to be a family doctor but thats not want 2 do. The times my mother was going in and out of the hospital for her depression I had to grow up and realize that, thats my mother and deal with how she acts. But I was not going to live to her expectations, I had realized that when I go to college she is not going 2 be with me. All you have to do is love your mother for who she is, if she wants to change her ways she will do it her own.

Answer 7

The only way she can change is to be honest with herself about herself and seek the LORD with all her heart.HE can change her and it may not happen overnight.Her way of thinking and her actions have to change first before the way she feels will change.

Answer 8

Sounds like mine, no-she will never change. You have to decide wether you will put up with it or not. I choose NOT because I refuse to be treated like that anymore.

Answer 9

This is common and if you are married this could put some strain on your marriage...if it hasn't already.
She probably wont change - sorry

Answer 10

mannn you are living in the 21st century.....

change your mum...simple