mark has a 7 yr old son that he has joint custody who he is totally detacated to. He gets such joy from being with his son its all he can talk about. We are to be married next mon. and looking at houses to buy and I happened to just say something about a nursery and he just ignored me. Later he said to me he hoped I would not try and push him into having a child and if I wanted one it would be a deal breaker. I was in shock as he loves his son so much and wants to be with him 100% I guess i just thought he would what one with me too. When i asked why all he gave me was excuses nothing that made any sence. Now his child was planned not an accedent and was the only reason that keep his marrige going as long as it did. 1st marrige. So can anyone tell me why he would be so against having a child with me when he loves his 1st child so much?
2007-12-15 09:17:01 · 44 answers · asked by Gfhf F 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
He already lost one marriage and has to share one child. If it happened once, it could happen again.
He has told you prior to wedlock that kids are a dealbreaker. If you marry him while on notice of this, you are obligated to abide by it. The time for second thoughts is NOW. It would be the height of dishonesty to say "I do" and then pressure him.
Of course, here's a wild thought: If you're marrying him next Monday, presumably you are secure enough in your relationship to be able to calmly discuss this with him instead of a bunch of strangers on Yahoo. Step away from the keyboard and have a chat with the man you're about to swear to spend the rest of your life with.
2007-12-15 09:20:13 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 16⤊ 0⤋
Like far too many people, you've had your head in the clouds and your eye on the prize (house, ring). That's why there are so many divorces, silly girl! You've spent time planning your WEDDING but not a minute talking about the MARRIAGE. He gave you reasons for not wanting another child and you have selfishly chosen to ignore them. You "just thought" that he would want to have a child with you??? Do you guys spend all your time in bed and not a second in conversation?! And there was very obviously no pre-marital counselling!!! If so, you would have known waaaay early on that there was a major problem. A "deal breaker" ? More like a "divorce-maker". Sorry to say this but YOU are the person in the wrong here. The guy isn't selfish at all. He is one of the good guys who supports, sees and adores his son from his first marriage. And he is honest. A little late, maybe, but I'm betting that he told you right from the get-go that he didn't want more children and you, all starry-eyed, chose to ignore him. If you do get married, and you decide to get pregnant anyway, be prepared to see a lawyer and be a single parent. It will be the child who will suffer the most so maybe you should stop and THINK.
2007-12-15 10:09:40 · answer #2 · answered by Wifeforlife 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
There could be several reasons, but I would not give up in understanding why this is. Is it that he wants another child, but not so soon after this marriage? Does he want to be more financially stable? Is he afraid that if the first relationship failed, this one might as well? Does he believe that he only has enough love for 2?
If you want children and he does not, and he is firm on this, then you have a serious problem--you cannot hope he will change at a later time. If you want to marry him at all costs, meaning you will sacrifice having a child, then you need to be sure of the implications on you, as well as the family at large.
You both need to know where you want to be in the future and how to get there. It looks like there are 2 different plans in play here. He needs to be pressed for a legitimate answer; he should not give an ultimatum.
2007-12-15 09:28:48 · answer #3 · answered by mapleleaf 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
There could be a multitude of reasons why he does not want another child. If you feel that you are unable to discuss this with him before you marry, then I would seriously reconsider getting married. It would appear from an outsiders point of view that there may be some issues with lack of communication. Lack of communication would be a deal breaker for me.
He has made it perfectly clear to you that he does not want another child. Ask yourself how important is having children to you. Could you marry him in all good conscience knowing that if you did get pregnant you would be raising the child alone and your marriage would end?
I would talk with him about this NOW, and suggest that you delay wedding until you have had some pre-marriage counselling to help resolve this issue.
Consider this: if You really want to have children, and He does not, and You decide that in order to maintain a happy relationship You must give up having a child - is that necessarily healthy? How is that compromising? It’s not a question of one being selfish, I think - it’s a question of personal goals, needs, expectations.
So what to do if partners have talked it over thoroughly, considered all aspects of it, and still disagree on having children? I don’t know. There will be pain, whether You decide not to marry. or whether You remain childless.
I am a mother of 6 children and my oldest daughter is expecting her 5th baby in March 2008. All I ever wanted was to have children. I would never have married a man who did not want them. In my opinion it would be less painful ( and less messy ) to end it now if you canot resolve this very important issue. I hope you make the descision that is right for you.
[;ease feel free to message me if you'd like to talk.
God bless,
Sharon
2007-12-15 12:20:02 · answer #4 · answered by schmoo_withazing 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you need to resolve the issue of children in the future. You cannot marry someone whom has different views as far as having a family with his new wife! This needs to be settled way before you say "I do"! Cuz if he laters say " I don't" want children then you are going to be in a world of hurt of which you walked into knowingly! Maybe he is afraid to bring another child into the world and have to have him pondering back and forth due to adult's decisions. Maybe the stress and drain of raising children and the financial bind is setting him back from wanting anymore! Talk to him before all things! Maybe he just doesn't want any no time soon but will later on. Talk to him and both of you have to set your cards on the table when it comes to family values and future plans and from there you decide if this is a full hand or not! A family is not something you can compromise about....if your heart is set on having a family one day then you need someone with the same views and wants! Good Luck!
2007-12-15 09:30:00 · answer #5 · answered by itzybit_303 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Run don't walk...RUNNNNN! If he is already putting conditions on your marriage you are in for many problems. Although he could have good reasons for not wanting another child (finances etc) He told you if you pushed it, it could be a deal breaker. LOL. That in itself is childish. He expects you not to have the joy he has already been blessed with. Just a thought..hes still in love with his x-wife. What really bothers me though is that he waited until you were looking at houses to inform you he doesn't want children???? that seems like something you would have talked about in the past. Good luck but I still think you should get out while your ahead and find a man who loves you so much he's willing to sacrifice for you. Sorry, its just the way I feel.
2007-12-15 22:38:00 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
He is perfectly happy and content having just the one child.....he may have the mis-notion that another child wuld take away from what he can give the first (in his affection as well as his financial support)
I would think long and hard before you marry this guy.People don't change and if you do marry him you better be prepared to be a childless couple....if you can't see yourself in a marriage without at least one kid then Honey he's not the guy for you....if you two have one, by accident or design, he's gonna resent you deeply for it....he's already told you your conceiving would be a deal breaker.....of course getting pregnant by your hubby is not grounds for divorce, but the fact he even refers to your upcoming marriage as a 'deal' should shoot up the red flag......
.....sounds like he's obsessed with his son, and you may find yourself always second best to the boy.....another red flag in that he's always talking about the kid.........you're facing heartache with this guy.....be carefull.
2007-12-15 09:37:39 · answer #7 · answered by The Original GarnetGlitter 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think only he can tell you his real reasoning for not wanting another child. It could possibly be because he just dont want anymore kids, but it can be something deeper then that. You should really think about what you want. If you really want to have a baby someday then maybe he isnt the right one for you. You need to somehow get him to talk to you about this, and find out why hes so set against having another child, and if there is any possibility of him changing his mind in the future, and think about if you can live with the fact that he may not give you a child of your own. Hope things work out for you.
2007-12-15 09:26:16 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I cannot believe that your wedding is a month away and you are only now having this "deal breaking" discussion. You need to sit down immediately and have a true heart to heart conversation about this. I know many, many people that in their second marriage do not want additional children. It is perfectly acceptable to have this view. If I were to ever be in that situation I would not want additional children either. I wouldn't want to go through the pregnancy, diapers, toddler years all over again and my kids are 7 & 8. There are many things to consider when adding another child to any relationship. You both really need to set your priorities and determine the direction of your relationship.
2007-12-15 10:26:52 · answer #9 · answered by oy vey 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
There could be any reason, maybe, although he loves his child, associates him (perhaps without noticing) with his divorce and wouldnt want something to come between yous. Hes maybe just not ready to go through it all again, many parents say they would never have another child, but that doesnt mean they dont love the ones they have, or he could feel that, not seeing his kid as often as a dad that is still married to the mum would, that having a baby with his wife now would push his kid out of the picture slightly, maybe yous should really talk about it. He might just need time, let him know that you want the chance to have a kid you can love as much as he loves his and that you wouldnt let his kid be left out, but included in your family.
2007-12-15 09:24:54 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
He's probably scared. Since his first marriage didn't work out there is some issue that he isn't resolved about. You can marry him and hope that he will change his mind or if you want children and that's a deal breaker for you, you might want to put the wedding off a bit to work this out. Getting married with this unresolved issue will only put more stress on the marriage.
2007-12-15 09:23:36 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋