Why do I keep on messing up? HELP?

Question

I want to move on with my life and start a new with someone but once things get serious I get nervous and make things complicated.
I divorced four years ago. I was married for ten years to a guy that everyone liked but he didn't care for me. His family was abusive and he just treated me with total disregard. He says he never loved me. Now that I am trying to move on, I have gotten myself involven intimately on a few relationships, but I get tottaly scared. My ex and I were very religious people and that made the divorce more emotionally difficult. My issue has to do with people dating and rushing to have sexual intimacy. I tried it and it left me broken hearted and more confused.
I see that some relationships work that way, but religious people condemn that and even Doctor Laura says it messes up relationships. How do people do it? people succeed after many break ups? do they just get lucky? anyone know?

As an example, I met this guy and we were getting along great, emailing, calling and textmessaging almost every day. He made reservations for us to stay at a hotel for new year's celebration. I said no because I don't want to rush into sex and he said for me to get back to him once I am ready for a relationship. I know I can conclude that all he wanted was sex but a lot of people nowadays date and jump into "relationships" by having sexual intimacy and then, if things work for both they stay together. Am I becoming a dinasour? I feel I did the right thing, but do I need to change?

Thanks everyone for all your answers. They are all good. It was hard for me to pick the best.

Answer 1

Whatever you do, don't be rushing into dating & quick physical intimacy - it is not your style, so your will not feel comfortable with it, as you've already found out, and guys won't respect you for it. It IS really hard to get back into the dating world, but the important thing to learn is to go slowly, and really get to KNOW the person before you decide whether or not it is justified to be physical with that person, to find out whether or not that person really (a) knows you and (b) truly cares about your well-being - which means that they hold your well-being on a par with their own. This doesn't happen right away, that is for sure, it can take months. The right person will understand and won't object to that. But please don't feel bad about the divorce, it sounds like you did nothing wrong but pick the wrong guy. It sounds as though your self-esteem is really low - perhaps if you could get counseling, or do something to feel better about the value you have as a person. My philosophy is that you can't participate in a truly great relationship unless you know and love yourself first - that will keep you from putting up with crap and selling yourself short. It does NOT have to do with luck. Read, "If I'm so great, why I am I still single" by Susan Page.

Just saw your update - and I agree, you did the right thing. It is important for you to understand, that for a lot of adults - guys and girls alike - they see that "dating = sex". And that is okay, if sex is all you want, but if you want an actual relationship, where you are valued as a person, clearly that is not for you. One other thing to remember, is that when people who don't really KNOW you come on to you really strong - whether by text or email - that should be a red flag. The guy you turned down just sounds like a walking red flag; he is not the right guy for you. That is something to celebrate, in a way - you weeded out another jerk! Stay strong.

Answer 2

It just takes time - maybe you aren't ready to be dating yet. Have you been alone for any period of time since your divorce w/o trying to be with a guy? Get to know yourself and figure out what you like about yourself and soon others will see that too. Until you have healed yourself inside, no one else that is worth being with you will come around. And you don't need to be in a sexual relationship necessarily with anyone in order to stay in the relationship and have intimacy. I've been divorced 8 yrs now and the first few years I dived into a few relationships, but now I'm not even looking. When I am ready for a relationship, it will happen. Good luck!

I just saw your update - you did the right thing. If he didn't want to be with you still because you said you didn't want to spend the night, then he either could've gotten a 2nd room or come up with a better option that wouldn't have made you uncomfortable. I believe in jumping right into a sexual relationship nowadays. You really have to know someone - besides what did you know about this person? Did you even know if he had been tested for diseases? Until you are comfortable to be with someone again and ask those questions, then stick by your decision and move on.

Answer 3

you've got to let go! the reason u can't get into a good relationship is u r afraid u will get hurt again. U r trying to jump into things too fast & u need to slow down. The thing is u can't go looking for love u have to wait 4 love to come to u now. I amy only be 14 but I have seen this happen to many ppl. U need to just do things that will take ur mind of of love. Go out w/ friends or family. Just dont go out by urslef because u will remember how alone u r. so i hope this helps u!!! & dont worry i am religious 2.

Answer 4

No you don't need to change just be yourself and do what feels comfortable to you...A guy will come along and you will know it is right when you don't get nervous about it getting serious , with the right guy you won't have any second thoughts about getting into a relationship with him , I've been divorced 5 years and get second thoughts or nervous too because I know she is not the right one for me so I just wait for the one to come along where everything will fall into place and I don't have to go on Yahoo Answers and ask questions about my relationship , when you have no questions you know it will be right......

Answer 5

Just keep trying and don't give up on yourself. here's a tip: learn to love yourself, like, really. Like yourself for who you are, be yourself and not what others want you to be or think you are, be real and honest, respect yourself and others, be confident in yourself and present all of that in your behaviour towards others, especially when you face somebody you might want to have a relationship with. People all want relationships for different reasons. Just radiate what you are as best as you can and you'll eventually attract somebody who's comapatible. Until then, just keep trying. there's nothing wrong with you. There's just lots wrong with lots of people. If somebody's all hot to jump in the sack real quick, chances are that's all they have in mind. If that's not what you want, just steer clear of those people and avoid the heartache. Giving someone sex hoping that will be enough to keep them in a relationship usually never is. On the other hand, if somebody comes along who just wants to go for a spin and you're feeling horny, go for that too, if you want. Just remember that sex is all it will be and let it go. Nothing wrong with just a good bang once in awhile as long as you don't make your whole life just that.

Answer 6

It is different for everyone. Some people succeed with several relatinoships and other just don't. I am alos a religous person, and if it were me, I would talk to God about it and see what he thinks. Ask him what you should do, and he might send a sign down that will lead you to do the right thing. If that doesnt work, then just follow your heart and do what you think is right.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

you scared to make new relationship with new guy cuz u allways think thats something will happen cuz u allready been in many relatoships and u had bad expe and u seem to think of all ur relatinships and the exper u been through while u with the new man , people dont move easy they sufer emotionally but u gona forget it and move on with time, when you start new relationship dont think about what happend in the past, your fingers not all the same, also the people.

Answer 8

just getting lucky,sex is just sex and you'll do ok if you always remember that.