Is stepping out of my daughter's life forever the right thing to do?

Question

My relationship with my 25 yr. old daughter has always been strained, very difficult. As a baby, she seemed to hate me. When I nursed her, she would claw my sides and bite my nipples, with a look in her eyes that suggested she was intentionally being mean. I told myself, she's a baby, not capable of WANTING to be mean. I breastfed her till she was 11 mos. old. I also have 2 son's, the first 15 mos. older, the 2nd 5 yrs younger than her. All 3 have very high IQ's. I was a stay at home Mom till I divorced their dad after 18 yr. marriage. All my friends say I was an excellent Mom but we had challenges. My 2 oldest kids really acted out after the divorce. Rivalry between 1st son and daughter has never ended with daughter. She's as cruel to him as she is to me. I'm naturally very slender. Daughter struggles with weight but is not fat, she's beautiful. She had a daughter at 19 and she's always been jealous of my relationship with my grandaughter. I moved 1 state away in '03.

She rants about my figure, saying I'm stupid for not knowing how to use my body to get anything I want in life. She punishes my grandaughter for missing me. She blames me for her tardiness, problems in relationships, everything. I can't make it right for her no matter what I do. She's angry I moved away, but then was always angry when I was there and I couldn't handle watching her punish my grandaughter for loving and wanting to spend time with me. Last Christmas, I bought a beautiful velvet dress for my grandaughter. She loved it, put it on and wanted to wear it to our family dinner. My daughter refused and told this 5 yr. old that the dress was immoral. She made that little girl cry her heart out and I stayed in the bathroom, heartbroken that my daughter would take her hatred for me out on that sweet, innocent angel. There's so much more and I just can't take it anymore To save my Grandaughter, I've told my daughter that she wins. I'm gone. What else can I do?

We all, including their dad, went to counseling toghether when my daughter ran away and was incarcerated. She admitted to not having a reason to run away but her friend did and she didn't want her to be alone. I continued with counseling, worked profusely to understand her, read books. I've done everything I know to do. My boys don't view their life as my girl does. Whatever mistakes I've made, I've apologized for 1,000 times. Her tongue is not a razor blade, it's a machete, and if things don't go her way; NO ONE IS SPARED. This girl has NEVER been abused, I've always tried to be there and be supportive. I've worked my butt off trying to have a healthy relationship with her and so has her brother. She's absolutely beautiful but never seems to see that herself, no matter what we've all endlessly tried to do to help her accept herself. She blames me for all things wrong in her life, in fact nothing is her fault, EVER. Her bro. still tries only to get kicked again. I'm done.

Answer 1

What a mess! Sounds like instead of walking away, you might want to knock on the door and ask to come in. All babies bite their mom when their nursing, most of us literally grit our teeth and get through it! Mom what happened?

How about you give your daughter a gift of time for the holidays. Get yourself into some counseling, so you can figure out how to work on your end of the relationship.

Take your daughter (without your granddaughter) away to do something she will enjoy. Focus on the joy of bringing your daughter joy.

You won't have a daughter or a granddaughter if you walk away.

Answer 2

You're in a big mess! I am a 25yr old middle child with a younger and older brother... I feel your daughters pain. If she is anything like me, once her child was born, you made her feel like your grandchild was more important than her. I understand that is your grandchild, but adult daughters need love and affection too. Don't try to tell her what to do, just be their for her, ask her directly what she wants and expects of you now that she is grown. She may even feel like you should have done more to try to make things work between you and dad. She seems to harbor some resentment and bitterness towards you, but some of it seems to be your fault as well. If she was "intentionally" biting you as a baby, you should have just switched to formula. But I honestly believe that no baby is capable of such a thing. My 5month old bites me all the time, and soon he'll have some teeth to show for it! I agree with the others when they suggest that you might have played favorites, because I know my mom did...she never saw it herself, but others did, but at the same token, you can't tell her anything. I think you both should look into individual counseling. Then, if there is headway, check into some family counseling. None of this will help unless you both realize that you have fault in this and want to make things right...Good Luck to you...But whatever you do, don't just walk away...thats what my mom did...and now she is missing out on a daughter that loves her regardless, and 2 beautiful grandsons...

Answer 3

No, don't cut all ties, the grandbaby at least needs to know you love and care for her.
My daughter is the same way. She's the "drama queen", but then she's also a "Cancer", also 25. Nothing I say or do is there ever a thank you! She always cuts me down. Steals my medications, clothes and steals from her brothers too. She has to also steal from friends, but I can't say for a fact. She always has new friends. And all the new friends and old for that matter all drink and do drugs.

I've started just asking to speak to my grandaughter when I call. If she's in a decent mood she puts my gb on but if she's being a *****, she just hangs up on me. Sure glad my boys don't do this! Or I'd be realy feeling like a bad mom.

Answer 4

No, it isn't the right thing to do, but I do think you and your daughter BOTH need counseling to get your relationship on track to one that is mutually satisfying for both of you.

As an nursing baby, she was not capable of forming intent and hating you which know given your own comment "not capable of wanting to be mean." After all, your daughter had not yet learned how to love or be loving. So that would NOT be anything to bring up in the counseling because she had absolutely no control over and neither did you.

Sibling rivaly lives and I can tell you as the oldest of six that it continues well into adulthood. I'm 53 and my sisters and we still have our moments even though we know at our age how silly it is when that rivalry shifts from motivating to pettiness. The way we put the brakes on the pettiness is to acknowledge it and own it. (We've all also had the experience of therapy & recovery work due to growing up with the chaos of a widowed parent and their decline into alcoholism and eventual recovery.)

I can't imagine that your daughter finds the state of affairs between you and even her brother particularly satisfying either, so I hope can find a way to negotiate a happier adult parent/adult child relationship. But please don't absent yourself from her life or your granddaughter's life.

Answer 5

My suggestion is this, before you approach your daughter, a psychologist or psychiatrist.

You have issues to work out first, I have not idea what the issues are, something did happen.

An infant is an infant and an infant is not capable of making rational as well as premeditated decisions.

There is reflection, an individual mirrors something in him or herself on someone else.

You divorced your husband so that was a strained relationship and you probably just stayed married until your youngest turned 18 years of age, and that decision was made years prior to the divorce.

Sibling Rivalry is usually set as children are being brought-up into pre-adulthood.

How you look is important to you, this is a standard you set for yourself, and have somewhat of an expection for your daughter.


There is something there, however I am not a professional psychologist.

Answer 6

How can you say or even think that she was mean or wanted to be mean as a baby?!
Come on, that's ridiculous and I hope that you don't say that about her to her own daughter.
Being the only girl between two boys musn't have been easy for her and just maybe, she felt that you favoured them as you seem to suggest that she wasn't the brightes either, and probably not as much as your sons.
So, stepping out of her life is not the right choice;
On the contrary, you want to try to sort this problem out.
Listen to what she may be reproaching you with, wrongly or not.
If you keep having a relationship with her own child and cut her out of your life, you're only going to make things worse. As she'll see that as trying to highjack her role as a mother.
Besides, SHE is your daughter, so it's up to you to try and build bridges with her too, not just focus on your grand child only.
It's never too late to do the right thing.
You need to think hard about what might have been happening at the time to have brought that cold between the two of you.
It doesn't have to be because you were a bad mother, but she may have felt left out all the same because in her eyes, she didn't receive all the attention she wanted, needed as an only girl, as A girl, and between a girl and her mum!

Answer 7

it sounds as if you were trying to find away to get rid of your daughter. It is natural for the clawing, although they have sharp little nails, they can't do that much damage as a new born. Biting, apparently you were not producing milk, why didn't you switch to a bottle?
Sounds like she was Dad's favorite. Which brings a tad bit of jealousy to the table with Mom.
She probably has a strong relationship with her dad, and not you. So yeah leave her alone. I doubt if she'll miss you.

Answer 8

I breastfed all of my babies and not one single time did they ever claw my sides or look at me with blood in their eyes. When they were teething they anted to bite but that's norma,l. Now if they had been tigers and clawed and gave me that cold hard look, well that would be a different story.

Answer 9

Its all her fault, right? Mean to you as a baby? Oh for pete's sake. My guess is, this girl wrote off any actually mothering from you long ago.

I think you said it all when you described your body and hers as if either would matter to a mother.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, not all people who reproduce are capable of parenting.