Should kids get gifts based on how good they were, or all equal to be fair?

Question

In my family there are 4 kids, and one of them is very rude to our family (and just plain mean sometimes), she doesn't help much or when she does she'll do a bad job (usually on purpose or because she's distracted by her iPod or the phone), and she's very ungrateful about things. Although we love her, she's put a lot of stress on our family this year. The other 3 kids are very nice and well behaved. Is it OK to give the more difficult kid less presents for Christmas when she doesn't necessarily deserve them like the other kids do, or should it be equal for everybody? Thanks.

By the way, I'm NOT the parent. I'm one of the kids. I asked this because I know my parents got her some nice and expensive things she asked for (Ugg boots and a nice jacket), but that they plan on giving more gifts to the rest of the kids, but they aren't all expensive there's just more of them. We're on a lot stricter budget this year, and I just have a feeling my sister will be mad because she didn't get as much as she usually does, even though the couple gifts she's getting are what she wanted.

Also, she's 11 but she completely knows what she's doing - we've talked to her about it a lot and even put her in therapy for a bit, but nothing has changed. She does great at school and has a lot of friends, but at home she's very different.

Answer 1

I think if you have a problem with one of your kids, the way to handle it is not by giving her fewer presents, but by talking to her and punishing her if necessary. She ought to know why you are upset with her, and simply giving her less than you give her siblings isn't going to tell her that. The next time she causes trouble, ground her and tell her why. It sounds like you let her get away with this stuff, and now you want to get her back in some kind of passive-aggressive way. That's silly. You're the parent. Take control. But I see no reason to dampen the family Christmas over it. Good luck.

Answer 2

My opinion is that you should treat them equally at Christmas.

My reasoning for this is that by doing otherwise you will create great resentment from your troublesome child and grounds for taunting etc from the others. On this basis your problems will only get worse. However, having given the gifts at Christmas that your rude child would like, they then become tools for you to exercise some discipline. Whilst I have been fortunate to have two well-behaved daughters (so you could reasonably consider my answer as inexperienced in context of your problem), on the occasions that standards have slipped, the confiscation of favourite toys / gadgets has been an effective sanction.

You have to be in control, and if the iPod or phone (or new gift) is the source of your daughter's ignorance, then no shouting, arguing or smacking, just take it away for a couple of days and explain why you are doing it. If she does it again, take it away for a week, then a fortnight, then a month - she'll get the message eventually.

Consider drawing up a rota for jobs - that way it can be seen that no-one is being picked on, but every body does their share. If she does a bad job, no drama - show her what's wrong and make her do it again. Its cured my elder daughter of lazy washing up because its such a bind having to do it twice. Any arguments about doing it properly - the iPod goes for a couple of days.... and so on.

Good luck and I hope you have a happy and peaceful Christmas.

Just seen your update as one of the kids. Perhaps this still helps, especially if you are able to discuss with your parents. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 3

Hello!
It seems a case of sibling rivalry. We parents deal with behavior-challenged kids in different ways. In fact, we do experiment until the best will come out from that child. We could use the 'Merit System'. Meaning, a child is given according to his/her achievements. It's like saying, the more you achieve, the more lavish your gifts would be. In some cases, this won't be very effective.
You noted that she excels in school. Maybe, she feels that she belongs there. I mean, her self-esteem is being fed there. Maybe at home, she feels that she's the favored one and she subconsciously hates it. Sometimes, favored kids feel that they are some sort of a handicapped. The behavior could be a manifestation of how she doesn't like to be treated at home.
As a concern sibling, you should deal with her with understanding. You didn't mention if she's the youngest or the middle child. Usually, these kids would get the feeling that they are different and almost always superior than the other ones.
I understand how you feel but don't question your parents' style in dealing with her. Maybe they do experiment too in how to help your sister.
When you're a parent yourself, you will understand all these.

Answer 4

As a sister you are looking at facing the wrath of an eleven year old because she did not get as much as the other brothers and sisters, even though her gifts are more expensive.

When I was growing up, I got a book, a toothbrush, and new underwear. I grew up in a family of twelve. At five years old I knew my parents could not afford expensive gifts and I learned to appreciate what I had, Love from both parents. It was all I needed.

Every single year for Christmas it was the same, until I turned 16 years of age, then it was just a Dinner together with my family. I wore hand me down clothes until I started a job as a babysitter when I turned 16 years of age and yes I shared my clothes and personal items with my sisters and I paid my Mom a share of what I was paid each week.

To this day I still Love my Family and I could not have asked for better Parents. They spoiled me with Love!!! There just is not anything better then Love!!!

At five years old I knew there was no such thing as Santa Claus because of what other children in Kindergarten stated they received as gifts for Christmas, however I knew Christmas Day is a celebration of Christ's Birthday because he is God's Son.

Appreciate you are all together on this day as a family, and if your younger sister has difficulty with what she received as Christmas gifts, you may allow her to read this email.

Answer 5

Well...equal I would say Only because usuallly its the parents that control the gift giving and children must know that there love is unconditional and between kids there are no favorites,,, we all know that hard to live with and something you carry all your life.. I was actually the bad one growing up but christmas was always special.. nostrings attached...

Answer 6

Is she 14 -17 yrs old? Almost every teen goes through this. Don't you remember?
What's going on with her? Is she having trouble in school, friends, something else. Talk to her. Letting her know what consequences will take place for the bad behavior (and following through with them) will help.
Equal amounts for all the kids!

Answer 7

Christmas is for love and goodwill to all . Don't play favorites under the Christmas Tree . If you do you will alienate one from the other cause more trouble . Try to get her more involved by other means .

Answer 8

Your family needs to see a therapist to work out these issues. Gift giving is not based on doing better.

Answer 9

A gift should come from the heart without attachments, it is an expression( usually ) of love, and we should not expect anything in return.

Answer 10

Feminists especially possible desire each and every of the reward of equality whilst falling back on the protection internet of classic values. IMO, it is women individuals who frequently attempt to mixture the final components of classic and contemporary values for their sole income. in this regard, women individuals can on no account income genuine equality in the event that they are not held to the comparable standards or face as much as the comparable scrutiny. As you talked approximately on your occasion, usually circumstances women individuals are predicted to be a piece of the artwork stress yet yet soak up many of the burden regionally. whether, in maximum different components, "the bar" is purely decrease for women individuals.