mother-in-law issue any advice please!?

Question

There are a total of 3 boys, 22,21,19. They have all lived out of the house for years now, and two of them are married and starting there own families. My mother in law constantly calls, and refers to herself as their mommy. She is really nosey, which i expect, but it just seems to me like she can't accept that shes not there to take care of them like they are her babies anymore. Which i understand, but it gets to the point where i am uncomfortable with how much she calls, and how much she thinks she needs to know. Please don't get me wrong, I am a mother too. Example... my husband had surgery on his hand, he called and told her, but didn’t give her enough time to actually make it to the surgery, because he didn’t want her to go, but didn’t want to tell her that. She threw a fit. she will call my husband, constantly, i am talking 3 times a day everyday, and he doesn't want to be rude to her, but he doesn't want her calling so much. There is more, but I just don't know what to do as far as with myself. I don’t care to talk to her about it, but I just want to try to maybe not be so uncomfortable with it. He sees the problem, but we both know that it will really hurt her if he says something. I myself do not like people knowing my business, money, anything unless I choose to tell them. She asks about everything, bills, anything. I wouldn’t have a problem with it if she was asking my husband, and it was his personal business, and I wasn’t included, but this is now OUR business, and anytime we try to avoid tellin her, she throws a fit and complains to the oldest son. It just stresses me out. It shouldn’t but it does.

she is married, and does work outside the home, so she doesn't have that much time, but she obviously makes it. And i just want to be clear that my problem isnt with how my husbands relationship with her is, cuz shes like that with all 3 boys, and they have all started to ignore her calls, and try to avoid the situation, because she bothers them too.

Answer 1

I'm sure your husband has a cell phone. When she calls you tell her he's not in try his cell. Let him deal with her calling him all the time it's really not your problem or your place to say anything. Just like the rest start to avoid her so will he. As far as the inquisition it is up to him to say I don't want to discuss that subject. He and his brothers need to set boundaries with her and she is going to have to respect and accept the boundaries or her son's will all avoid her. After a while the fit she throws gets old and men especially sons don't want to deal with drama from there mother.

It is not your JOB to fix a relationship between your mother in law and all her 3 sons. It is up to them to talk and resolve it with there mom. As if you tried all would tell you it's not your place including your mother in law unless she was getting her way. Since no matter what you would say to her you will be wrong your best bet is to stay out of it. Let your husband deal with his family issues.

I find it funny that all 3 children feel the same way about there mother so I guess it's not the daughters in law fault as could all 3 be jealous? I think not.

Answer 2

don't answer the calls and tell your husband the same, i am a very private person also and this is too far, the woman needs a hobby or a pet that she can spend all her money, time and energy on she does not need to know these things and if she insists on calling the olders all the time with her complaints then he will get fed up too and if you don't stop this now what do you think is going to happen if the 2 of you decide to have children, your husband [seeing as it is his mother and he should handle this] needs to set up some boundries cause if this isn't done all of you will end up hating her and i understand she is overbearing but i'm sure she is lonely but this is not a reason to not do this, if you can get her to understand that the only thing she is doing is pushing her sons further away all the time than drawing them closer it would help, and if he cannot get through to her alone it would help if all of the boys went together and told her how much they love her and that they want her around but she is pushing them away, as a last resort the 2 married ones can involve their wives but only as a last resort, as you know how this makes a DIL look, but like i said maybe something small and furry would help her to have something to baby, or go rock abused or neglected babies, knit or crochet hats for the NICU use your imagination, be a big sister to a couple of girls the list goes on and on and only the boys and maybe her DIL might know her well enough to think of something, good luck

Answer 3

Well, these 3 men got married very young and I do not know what type of jobs they have. Seems to me that it must be quite hard to support a wife and children with the cost of living today. They that these men may not have much time for there own family let alone mom.

If I was you I would not worry about how often she calls. Just be polite and if you feel she is being nosy say oh someone is at the door and hang up the phone.

Good Luck to you and enjoy the holidays.

Answer 4

It's funny how new mothers are exceptionally clean and things we used to tolerate are no longer acceptable for our new babies. That being said, if she want's to live that way fine but you do have the right as the guardian and parent of this child to do what is best for that baby. This coming from a smoker, there is nothing healthy or right about a baby in a room filled with smoke. Period. Your baby may be allergic to the dogs. The dogs may have flea bugs that are biting the baby or the baby could be reacting to the smoke residue in her home. Get your pediatrician doctor to help back you up with this because something is going on if the baby get's red bumps when you go over there. Then, your husband has no choice because the doctor said the baby needs to stay away from this due to allergies. She will have to come to your house, which is no smoking I assume. My kids flat out told me their kids were not going to be around smoke so I have to come to their house. OK fine. But I am a reasonable mother/mother in law. So use the doctor excuse if you need to shift blame from you. It may help keep the peace. Besides, eeeewww. I have 6 dogs and there is no way she can't clean up after her animals. Baby or not, I don't think your wrong for not wanting to "hang out" much less have dinner over there. The thought alone is enough to make you lose your appetite.

Answer 5

Once again, way to go Good Question!!! I agree!!! Not say this is you but I have personally lived the situation she is referring to. Contrary to all the daughter-in-laws out there YES it does happen!

If this is such a big issue let him deal with his mother, it's as simple as that. She's not a mind reader. It does take time for everyone to find their roles when relationships change. You must be young, have patience and give it some time. Try and have a relationship with her and your family. She is his mom and she is your mother-in-law.

Also wondering if your nagging about the situation might increase the intensity of it in his eyes. It doesn't seem like you are doing much to form a relationship with her.


EDIT: Just curious, why can't they all be jealous? It seems to pretty much be the consensus that most/all mother-in-laws are jealous!

Answer 6

Yes, and I've seen young ladies blow things out of proportion and also make things up from the ground up to isolate to the point of emotional blackmail. I don't know if you are one who also blows things way out of whack or lies to obtain bad advice, but I do see that your call adult men "boys" and "babies" who have a mother whether you like it or not. Now, a good woman knows better and a grown adult man promotes family.

I'm not going to give you advice on how to get rid of your MIL - and according to your post, you are not applying yourself to a relatationship with your MIL and brag that others should do the same while in the role of woman, wife, and DIL. Do the math before you take on anti-family beliefs. If all married couples and family members aren't suppose to have anything to do with one another, that would include your parents/you&hubby, his parents/you&hubby, and your sons and daughters in the future. This ought a cause enough health problems, stress, court, and lawyer fees to break the whole family down. So which is it? Are you for family or against it? If you are for it, then work on issues in the truth and learn that every single situation is not for you to using to pit people against each other. If this woman's adult sons are playing on your sympathy for reaction, then guess what. It's up to you to let them know you will not be getting involved with it and it's up to them to stop the anti-family behavior as well.

Answer 7

It sounds like mon-in-law needs something to do. Sounds like she has way too much time on her hands. If she is a widow or divorced how about fixing her up? If there is a husband then it's obvios she needs a job outside the home. Why not get her involved in a charitable organization. She sounds perfect for contacting people.

Answer 8

This is about boundaries. The MIL is using emotional blackmail and stalking. It amounts to abuse.

There is nothing rude about not divulging your personal affairs. Get used to saying "I would rather not discuss that", or more pointedly, "I don't think that is any of your business."

First... you and your husband need to get on the same page about everything... what is and is-not fit for broadcast. He needs to learn the basics of how to elude the 3rd-degree.

Then you need to learn to use the answering machine to screen calls and get a phone with caller I.D. You don't pick up if you don't want to speak to her.

If the oldest son gets in your faces about whatever, you simply and maturely explain that you are not bound to discuss your personal business with her... or anyone else for that matter.

Answer 9

She's pushing her own son's away and doesn't even realize it.
As for her thinking she needs to know everything, I'd suggest the next time she brings stuiff up, tell her you'd rather not discuss your finances, unless of course she had lent you money and wants to know where it went. Sense she hasn't, you just need to tell her, it is your business andd if and when you feel you need to talk to her about it, then you will.

Answer 10

you cannot have a marriage with a boy still emmeshed with his Mother. get some counseling for him to learn how to be his own person and get a proper distance from his Mother. then see if the marriage has a chance.