What does it mean to honor your Mother when she is not a honorable person?

Question

I am an adult who was born to a mother who has never been a moral person. She has done some truly vile things to me and others over the years and continues to do so even at the age 70. I am having a difficult time understanding how I am supposed to honor her when her belief system is so opposite of what I believe to be honorable; when her actions are so mean spirited and confrontational and always have been. My value to her is a financial one only. When she no longer has a crisis, then I am not of any use to her and she treats me badly. I can not respect her because she is not someone to respect. Sad but true. Alcoholism and mental disease are only the tip of the iceberg. Her sickness goes much much deeper, from abuse to actually trying to leave me with a known pedifile at the age of 12. She is toxic. But now she has developed signs of Alzheimers and needs someone to care for her well being. She is too mean to put in a nursing home and not that gone yet. How do I honor this woman?

What I meant to say is that she is too violent to put in a nursing home. And accepting Christ into her life is not something that will ever happen. She scorns all religion and God. The devil has really been planted into her soul for a very long time.

Thank you all for some very good answers and insight. I have been grappling with how to handle this situation for a long time. I did try to forgive a long time ago for the things I went through as a child at her hands and I really think I had achieved a certain level of peace with it all or at least acceptance of "life happens". But I made the mistake of trying to help her with her current lifes situation and little by little got drawn back into her sick dramas within our family. I finally blew up after the latest horrid incident and told her I was washing my hands of her. But after reading all of your answers I was able to gain a little more perspective again and realize that I must continue to be the best that I can be but use maturity and restraint where she is concerned and do what I know is right. Thankfully I was blessed with a wonderful grandmother that instilled moral values in me and I have been able to raise 2 very loving and sane children. Thank you all for your kind words.

I have decided to take your advice and honor my mother by making sure she has a safe environment to live in. I will try to help her where I can. I will try to refrain from speaking ill of her bo matter how tempting. But I will not allow her to inflict anymore pain upon me or my family. Blessings to all....

Answer 1

By honoring her, treating her with love and kindness you make it hard for her to continue being less than the person she should be.

That doesn't mean you help her with money to buy alcohol. Go to the AA for family members so you can better understand how to deal with her.

Love is stronger than evil and you just might be able to save that vile woman who gave you life and then gave you nothing but misery.

Even if she does not come to her senses, God will be so pleased that you overcame your dislike of her behavior and treated her as she needed, not as she deserved. Do as Jesus did, love the sinner, hate the sin.

Some would say, "Give her everything she gave to you."

But, by showing her love and kindness you can rise above the cruelty she heaped on you and be a much better person. God would approve and it might help you get rid of any hostility that will hinder your relationship with God.

Anger and hostility are bad, like a cancer that gets inside and eats away at you. You have to let it go or it will make you miserable. Life is too short to go through it miserable.
You deserve better than that.

I wish you the best for the future.....

Answer 2

My own opinion. The words honor someone pertains to yourself. Don't do anything that would dishonor someone.
It is a guide line. Now all people can follow guide lines, depending on the circumstances.
The Laws were written and are here subject to question. Did they mean your earthly father and mother, or did they mean,
Father God and Mother Earth. For some, this could also mean , Father/Mother God.
Your situation seems difficult. Alcoholism had destroyed many families. I had an x wife who was Alcoholic as was her father. There is little you can do for them because the drink take first preference. I would suggest that you consider the soul inside and forgive their hurt to you. Be the better person.
I know she has hurt you and it will no be easy. It certainly is difficult being a care giver to an ungrateful person.
Jesus said how can you be forgive unless you can forgive.
Seek the higher outcome. Jesus said to build up your treasures in Heaven. That is where it matters. What you bind on Earth, you also bind in Heaven. So do you self a favor and bite the bullet if you can and help your Mother. You will only have one in this life time. You may wish you had cared for her after she is gone. The honor part is the role you play, not what she plays. I hope for the best for you, I know it is not easy.
Rev. TomCat

Answer 3

You honor your mother by being honorable yourself. Living a life in the Lord, having good morals, being a good woman; are ways you are actually honoring your mother.

Also, it is honorable to understand and forgive when it's the hardest thing to do for someone that has treated you badly. There are times in life that feelings get in the way of doing what is right by the Lord, but it takes an honorable person to get past that no matter what the reasons were for being hurt.

If your mother isn't a saved person and isn't living her life in the Lord, then there is a whole lot more to think about then just your feelings about her as she is living on Earth. She is condemning her soul into the Eternal Hell, and right now - loving her and trying to do what's best for her might be a way you can get her to understand she is in dire straits, by showing her there is another way to be and live by example.

And if she isn't saved, then the Lord doesn't know who she is because her name isn't in the Book of Life, but He does know who you are if you are saved. And you will be held accountable when it is your time to go before Him. So do the best you can for your mother, because you are also honoring the Lord.

Answer 4

First of all I want to tell you that I'm so sorry for everything you had to go through.Second, what it means to honor your mother(I think) is whatever she dishes out, no matter how rough it is, you need to still show her what an honorable person acts like at all times . She will be accountable for everything she does and has done. Some how she did something right because you turned out just fine! I know how hard it is myself, because my mother is a monster also. I continue to try to show my best though, because no matter what I will have a clear conscience. Just remember though, we are both far better people than either of our mothers will ever be.

Answer 5

You sound as though you have been through a lot of horrible stuff.
To start with your main question: I guess it's like calling a judge "Your honor" even when we know he has a dishonorable lifestyle and can't respect him as a person. You obviously have lost all respect for your mother, but you can honor her for being a mother, that is, honor her position as mother. Even in the Old Testament it says you can turn against your own parents for certain crimes. (Read Deuteronomy).
On the other hand, it is very possible that you have been bearing an awful load of justifiable bitterness over a very long time. In that case, you need healing for your own sake. And in order to find that healing, you need to go through the process of forgiveness. Not excusing, but forgiveness. Because there is no excuse for a mother who acts that way. In you heart, before God, you need to go over each thing she has done to you, be angry, face the pain, and choose to forgive her. A very difficult thing to do, impossible without God's help, but the only way to personal healing. It is alright to be angry for a time, but anger born over too long a time destroys you, not her.
EDIT:
Add on to this Mellie Mel's advice - (I think she deserves best answer in this, by the way). Because forgiving does not mean continuing to be a victim. You have been a victim long enough.

Answer 6

You can honor someone and choose not to be around them. In that case, honoring her would be NOT putting her business and your complaints about her on the street. I don't mean to say you should not be asking this question. It'ss just respectful not to gossip as a matter of how you speak of her with people you know. God knows you will need support dealing with her.

It really depends how much it means to you to grow and be a bigger person. I know it looks impossible, and it's asking a lot - to expect that you would care to see that she is cared for whether you do it ot not. YOu could accomplish some things on your own terms such as finding a care facility for her - at least she would be given the proper medication for her mental condition on a regular basis.

Honoring others is about how YOU choose to be and react, NOT about the honor of the other person. You can choose not to let another person determine how you act.

Answer 7

I see your point. Not all of us are blessed with parents who really deserve respect and honor. For those with terrible parents, we can honor their position, even though we recognize that they are not lovable or worthy of honor. It's just something we do that is socially right. You know, the ten commandments are just good rules for society. If we follow them, we form society in a good way. We honor parents because they cared for us as children. That honor sets an example for all the community and for our own children. They see us honoring our parents, and someday, they will do the same for us. It becomes the unspoken rule of society. If I have lousy parents, I am still setting that example. My children will respect that I did more than the right thing to people who didn't deserve it. It may end up that my rotten parents will get turned around by what I do for them.

Answer 8

Not going to read all of that to answer a fairly simple question. Honoring a person is no based on their personal merit, but rather their position in your life. The position of Mother, is honorable in the sight f the Lord. Do your part, and uphold that honor, even if the person in the position does not.

Answer 9

I do not think, given the history of abuse (including sexual) that your mother bestowed upon you and/or chose not to protect you from, combined with the alcoholism and such - mean that you, dear, are forgiven if you simply walk away. There are institutions where she can go - whether she likes it or not - even if she is difficult to deal with (trust me, they can and will handle her).

You said it all in 3 simple words "She is toxic" Ok, so she's not far gone enough to put in a home yet, ok. So realize this: Honoring your mother does NOT mean to allow her to be a toxic force in your life, it does not mean you continue to accept any form of abuse from her, it does not mean you keep her in your life simply because she gave birth to you - I would never encourage anyone to keep an extremely sick alcoholic involved in their life in any way. I have much sympathy for alcoholics, however, I will not enable them and their disease in any way - nor should anyone else. You should feel no guilt for refusing to be used for monetary reasons any longer either. Often the most loving things you can do for an addict is to cut them off from you and any of the ways you may knowingly (and unknowingly) enable their addiction. People make their own choices. It sounds like you've tried and tried, your mother is still choosing to treat you like crap and use you. Don't let her.

Then, when the time does come, find a home that will take her. Send her cards and flowers for her birthday and holidays, pray for her. If you ever feel motivated to visit, then do so - but if you never feel motivated to, then don't.

Live the best life you can live, be the best person you can be, be honorable to the things you know to be true and right and then live accordingly. This is the best way to honor your mother - whether she ever appreciates that or not.

My heart goes out to you. You didn't get a mom who took care of you, nurtured you or watched out for you. I hope you will focus on caring for, nurturing and watching out for yourself.
You deserve better.

Let me add this: Yes, Jesus does say to forgive. Realize that it IS possible to forgive someone without including them in your life and continuing to suffer abuse. You can forgive a person in your heart and mind without having them remain a continued and active participant in your life.

Answer 10

No matter what some old storybook says, the reality is that not all parents deserve to be honored. There are some truly horrible parents out there, and the children who pay the price for their parents transgressions should not be expected to honor them. If your mother is as horrible as you depict her to be, I'd say put her in a nursing home ASAP. She doesn't deserve your sacrifice and care.