Insensitive comments by my partner ,.... what should I do or is he correct?

Question

I've been in a relationship for about a month with an older man. I have had an eating disrder on and off over the past 10 years which he knows about. recently he said not to lose any more weight as he was worried it would "affect his libido"
A week ago he wanted me to participate in a sex act I wasn't comfortable with and when I said I couod not do it as he may like it but I cettainly would not, he replied that despite me not liking it he would have. In other words that relationships are about doing things to satisfy your partner even when we don't want to... Also a close relation of his died from an illness and I know that a part of him sees my eating disorder as self-inflicted
Aside from this we get on really well and have so much in common and he is actually quite sweet other than these comments. What would you do?

Answer 1

"ASIDE FROM THIS" EEEK....Girl, listen to yourself! Every minute you spend trying to please this jerk is not only wasted but going to contribute to the steady lowering of your already fragile (as evidenced by the eating disorder) self-image.

RUN, don't walk, away from this relationship before it gets any more serious. He is obviously completely self-absorbed (he didn't say you were killing yourself with your eating disorder--he said you were getting less sexy!) and can only do you harm.

Answer 2

Guess the word 'insensitive' answers just how 'deep down' you actually feel about him, although you're trying to convince yourself otherwise.

Your eating disorder, is one that you've had to deal with for a long time, and if this guy is going to make you feel even more insecure, and depressed by him having a 'controlling attitude', then you're disorder is going to go worse along with your self esteem.

One month, in a relationship is early days, and already, he's making you feel uncomfortable, and asking you to do sexual acts that you're not 'happy with doing'. Age has nothing to do with it, it's his respect for you that's in question here, and that doesn't come across at all in this relationship.

So his friend died of an eating disorder, so what,? you know the concequences of your illness, you certainly don't need a lecture, or someone relating tales to you of 'self infliction' , and what it would mean on his sexual enjoyment, and libido..how selfish is that ?

I think give it another month, you may see another side of this man you really don't like, but the longer you're with him, I think you'll find he'll destroy you emotionally, until you feel the only person you can rely on is him, which is what he's aiming for.

Hope I'm wrong, and he is the sweet guy, you'd like him to be, but I really don't believe he is, and you're worth more than he can give you, in this relationship.
Go and find someone who can support you, love you and accepts you, for who you are now.

Good luck.. and don't do anything you don't want to do !! sexually or otherwise.

a friend x

Answer 3

You are all over the map here, but I'll try.

Expecting sensitivity from guys is a losing proposition. Not that you should tolerate crass treatment, but guys will NEVER be as sensitive as women think they should be.

The "Don't lose any more weight" line is not in the realm of 'cruelly insensitive'. In fact it's probably good advice.


Most eating disorders ARE self inflicted, so if he's rational he will believe this. I am concerned though that you are speculating on someones thoughts, then holding YOUR conclusion against THEM & that path leads to madness.

Finally, you have left us completely in the dark regards WHAT you were asked to do sexually. Finding out what your partner likes in bed is HUGELY important. Good Sex is very much about learning what they enjoy. But we don't know if he's asked for something reasonable like oral sex, or something bizarre like watching you gang bang a football team.

Within reason, relationships ARE about doing stuff that makes your partner happy.

Good Luck

Answer 4

An eating disorder isn't something to throw in someone's face. I can see him asking you not to lose weight because he's worried about you, but for his own sexual libido? What a jerk. Blaming you for your illness to make up for the death in his family isn't helping anyone either.
As far as the sexual act, he may think you should do it for him because you love him, but that's not how it works. If he loved YOU he wouldn't want you to do something that you were uncomfortable with. There are plenty of things you can do that you are BOTH comfortable with.
Seriously, I would tell this guy how his comments are making you feel. Maybe he doesn't realize he's hurting you. If he blows you off or continues...get rid of him.

Answer 5

men who make comments about their partner's weight affecting their (the male's) performance are just looking for excuses.

as far as the sex act goes...it depends on what it is. If we're talking about oral, you should just take one for the team. If we're talking about anal and you're not into that sort of thing, he should just get over it. I think that every man tosses up the suggestion of anal just to see what happens. It's kind of like buying a lottery ticket, you don't really expect to win, but you know that somebody's winning and you just wonder what its like. But in reality, any sex act that you are not comfortable with he should be comfortable with you telling him you're not into it. If he doesn't respect you in that part of your relationship then he doesn't respect you at all. And not respecting you means, whining until you give in, manipulating you into thinking he "needs" is, or whatever.

Also, every guy makes dumb, offhanded remarks every once in a while. But two pretty hefty dumbass remarks (about sensitive topics) in the first month might cause a red flag to go up if I were you.


wait, are you a dude?

Answer 6

I think its time for you to sit down with your partner and talk to him tell him how you feel. The comment on the losing weight might of been to try get you to stop losing weight then you might not be worried that you think he thinks your fat...Which i doubt you are, he is with you for you not because your thin or because your fat because you are you. The sexual act that he wanted you to do tell him you feel uncomfortable and you want to try things but will when you are both comfortable..If you don't mind me asking do you know why you have the eating disorder have you had any help or counselling...Please email me or I'm me and we can have a chat IF YOU WANT

Answer 7

Firstly, don't take his comments personally! Sometimes men say things which they think are the right thing to say at the time. Yes he does think that his libido comment would be helpful by maybe making you think differently about your problem. That comment was stupid and insensitive yes but probably intended to help you in his own weird man way! On the sexual act thing, you were right. NEVER do what you're not comfortable with. He was thinking with the wrong head obviously at the time. Interesting to see what his views on this are when he's thinking with his other head???

Answer 8

I think your partner has a cruel streak. Telling you that your weight will affect his libido is selfish, uncaring and unkind. As for the sex thing, no loving person would want their partner to do something that made them uncomfortable.

I can't tell you what to do about the relationship, but whatever you decide, please take care of yourself. The question is: Will you be better off with him or without him? You're the only one who can answer that question.

Answer 9

well relationships are give & take, I sometimes have to do things sexually with my husband that I really dont enjoy, but I do for his enjoyment. It goes the same the other way around, he has to do things sometimes he doesnt like either. sounds like he prefers you to not lose weight.. but that also doesnt say whether you have anorexia or what & if you are under normal weight or over it. Ill tell you, those are not that bad when it comes to comments.. my husband has said some downright CRUEL things & I just deal with it. because I love him, & I know he has some issues, so I look the other way usually, as he does when I flip out on him. my husband is 14 years older than I am & I met him when I was 17 & he was 32 lol now I am 29... you give & you take.

Answer 10

I think there is a degree of doing what your partner wants, if they like it. but never at the expense of your morales. If you feel uncomfortable.. u dont do it.. even after 30yrs of marriage!!
As for the comments regarding ur eating disorder.... "ITS NOT SUPPOSED BE LIKE THIS!!!" the first few months are supposed to be wonderful, perfect & amazing! if ur questioning him & negotiating after just a month... this relationship is NOT going to work!

Answer 11

Sweet as he may seem on the surface.....his comment about you performing a sex act on him to his pleasure and at a detriment to you, is totally wrong. he is misguided by saying that you should do things for him that you dont want to do. This is a violation of your body, that is sacred to you, and nobody has the right to make you do anything that you feel uncomfortable with. he in my opinion is totally out of order, and if he is saying things like this to you so early on in your relationship, i wonder what is to come in the future. the fact that you are posing this question suggests that you are uncomfortable about what he has said, so my advice to you, is..........dont do anything that feels alien to you, unless you are pretty sure that you want to.