Is my Child Spoiled?

Question

My daughter just turned 4. She is an only child (for now). When ever i go to the store, whether for groceries or whatever, i always buy my daughter something, a small toy, a snack, or a treat usually for being good at the store, sometimes just because i want to!
We are not rich, and i dont buy expensive toys, just something small, that she really likes, if something is to pricey, i'll say pick something else.
But sometimes she'll throw a fit if she doesnt get what she wants. And so i'm starting to wonder if i'm spoiling her. Its not that i give into every whim, i want to bless her with things, especially if shes been good.
The iceing on the cake was the other day when we were celebrating the holidays, and she got a gift (a tinkerbell costume) and she was very excited. But then started throwing a fit b/c there were no shoes with it, the wings kept falling off and she couldnt fly!! mind you, shes four.
My husband thought sh was ungrateful. Are we spoiling her?

Wow!! Thank you for all of your responses. It will be hard to choose!
May i say, however, i dont go to the store everyday (in case you were wondering how often) Also, my daughter is a good girl, occasionaly throws a fit, but not all the time. And also i do give her praise as well when she does a good job not just gifts. i'm not trying to buy her love.
but thank you for all your responses. i'll do my best to pick one out, but the majority says she is getting spoiled, so i'll take proper action. Sometimes it is hard to see when your in the midst of it, and its good to see perspective!

thanks!

Fiofunk: i will check out the book, thanks!

Harleylady: me too... when i was a kid, that was our only treat too!

mykidsrc: good point!

Aubrys mommy... dont mind the bluntness at all.

Answer 1

It's fine to reward your child for good behavior - but now she's come to expect it, and thinks that bad behavior will get her more.
You need to jump on this like a ton of bricks. The second she throws a tantrum, take the gift away. If she complains about the lack of accessories, she doesn't get to keep the costume (hide it away to give at her next birthday). Tell her she needs to stop throwing a fit, say thank you for the gift, and behave.
Four or not, she needs to start learning about consequences and fair bargaining.

And start to teach her the difference between between good and great behavior. Good behavior is to be expected at all times and should be done because it's the right thing to do - like you stopping at a stop sign even when no one is there. This does not get any reward beyond your approval, and the usual snacks you give her to keep her nourished.

Great behavior is when you're asking her to try extra hard to behave - when you're asking her to be patient during an extra-long shopping trip, when she does something very sweet or kind without being asked, etc. This is worth a positive reward, such as a toy or treat.

Right now her rewards are meaningless - she gets them whenever you feel like it, for not making an effort. So of course she takes them for granted. You have to emphasize that treats need to be earned, and that bad behavior is punished. Or otherwise she will turn out spoiled.

Answer 2

Yes she is spoiled and you are spoiling her....Can you imagine buying her a present EVERYTIME you go to the store for the rest of her child life?? That is what is gonna happen if you don't put a stop to it. She needs to learn to APPRECIATE things, and thats why she pitches fits bc she doesnt appreciate what she has. She expects everything therefore not learning responsibility or appreciation. So the best thing you can do it STOP now and buy her a present once a week or hell once a month, make her EARN it by being good, not pitching fits, and then she will appreciate when she does get a gift....I promise it will only get worse if you dont put a stop to it! Good Luck

Answer 3

Yes, I think so. My daughter is 3 and I have never, ever had a problem with her asking for anything. I don't buy her much during the year, cuz she already has a bunch of toys and stuff from me and other relatives during her birthday and Christmas. If I do get her something at the store, it's because I already had it in mind, not because she saw it and bugged me for it. And if she's with me, and she doesn't behave, it gets put back. It's nice that you want to reward her for good behavior, but I don't think buying her things everytime you enter a store is the best way to do that. That reminds me, my brother said his gf has the same problem with her kids. They are so used to getting something every time they go to the store, they expect it and have a fit if they don't get something. It can be anything, as long as they get something, but then they don't play with it (in the instance of a toy) once they get home.

Answer 4

Let me put it to you like this.

All kids need to learn at some point that they can't have everything they want...

At some point, you must not cave, no matter how long the fit lasts. If you cave, I promise you can expect a lot more violent fits in the future, for by caving and getting them what they want, you are only teaching the child that if their fit is violent or long enough, they can eventually get what you want.

But If you don't cave; the child will learn throwing a fit is futile and a waste of energy. Almost better to -never give them what they want whenever they throw a fit.-

then they expect nothing from you. So that when they receive something, they will be genuinely grateful...

Answer 5

I think buying a small toy to reward her isn't really spoiling her. But giving into her fits is what will spoil her. If she wants to throw a fit then let her know that it's not how she should act and to stop. If she keeps on then put her in a corner or in quiet place until she's done. Once she's done then try to talk to her. It's harder in a store and she knows that. Just simply leave. Put your cart off to the side and take her somewhere quiet where she can finish. Good luck and I hope this works for you.

Answer 6

No, I don't think she's spoiled. What's wrong with a little treat when you go out? Let her throw her fits. She's at the age where she's just learning that she can't have everything she wants and that's just part of growing up. In fact, I think you are helping her deal with her emotions (expectation, reward, disappointment, etc) in a very healthy way. What child isn't ungrateful for a gift at some point? It's a good opportunity to explain to her how to graciously accept gifts.

Answer 7

I'm afraid so. You have taught your daughter to EXPECT a treat every time you go to a store (which means it's no longer a treat, but a "payment"), and you have indulged her to the point that when the world does not behave perfectly in her expectations, she only has to throw a fit to make the world conform once again to her whim.

Harsh reality to face, but better to deal with it now, when she's 4 than in 10 years when the rest of the world won't see just a cute little girl, but an obnoxious teen.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you want honesty :)

Answer 8

I have the same problem with my daughter (she is also 4). I don't buy her stuff, but she throws fits every time something is not the way she wants - like the shoes are falling off of her doll or she can't draw a picture the way she wants to. I have absolutely no idea what to do and whether or not it will pass. Sometimes, she is an angel and sometimes - such a terrible monster, it scares me of what will come next. But it's nice to know mine is not the only one like this. :) let's just hope it's only a phase... Good luck!

Answer 9

You sound like a really caring mother, so don't beat yourself up over this, but I think you may need to cut back on the little presents, if only to help your daughter understand what a reward really is.

If you always reward her for basic behaviour (being good in the store seems like a no-brainer) then she won't understand what truly deserves a reward.

Don't be afraid to say no & to tell her to be grateful. My son was the same way with things like water & wasting water or having a muffin all of the time. Eventually he saw that he didn't need the muffin in the first place! Be firm, but kind & you'll see real results!

Answer 10

Maybe a little. I don't think she is spoiled because you get her something everytime you go to the store though especially if she has been good. It would turn into 'bad spoiling' if you got her something even though she wasn't good. Let her know if she throws a fit she will not get anything at all. And maybe teach her how to act when she gets a present. I know that is hard for a four year old. I think most four year olds go through this stage and come out fine. Good Luck