He says that he does not have enough room to store them. Says that he does not want his new daughter to see him as less of a provider than Grandma and Grandpa. My wife loves to listen to people for clues as to what they would need or like and then tries to full fill those wishes. My take on it is the giver can give anything and everything they choose as long as it it not illegal or inappropriate like pornography, or a box of chocolates to a diabetic, or a box of cigars to someone trying to quit smoking. I beleive the receiver should graciously accept the gift with expressed appreciation. At that time the receiver can do anything with the gift they choose. They can return it to the merchant for a refund or exchange, can throw it away, can regift it, can hide it or store it, can use it, or what every they choose with no ramifications. Am I off base here.
2007-12-14 05:21:13 · 14 answers · asked by Jerry H 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
I do not think you are off base at all. He is being insecure. If the only reason is he doesn't the gifts is fear of being shown up then he is being petty. He should be happy that so much thought has been put in to gifts and happy for his daughter. Just see if you can't explain that to him. Good luck
2007-12-14 05:42:02 · answer #1 · answered by feeona 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I think that it took a lot of courage for your son-in-law to talk to you about his concerns. I think that as the child's parent, he does have a right to tell you when he feels that you/your wife are doing things that he and your daughter don't agree with. I know that my cousin has the same issue with both her father and her father-in-law -- she and her family live in an apartment, and yet both Grandpas overwhelm them with "stuff" (junk would probably be a more accurate representation for a lot of it). Then, she feels obligated to keep the stuff and display it, or risk hurting their feelings. If you re-gift, return, etc. it can be very hurtful for some people, so I certainly don't think you should expect your son-in-law to do that (or hide it from the kid for that matter). Try to ease up on the gift-giving a bit, and maybe show your love in other ways. Cuddles, outings to special events/places, baking together, making crafts, etc. are even more special than a store-bought toy.
2007-12-14 13:52:18 · answer #2 · answered by lilith984 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If his reason was so he could teach his grandchild to be less materialistic, I would applaud his wishes. But it seems like his reason is so that you won't upstage him, which isn't as honorable. Nevertheless, while you get a lot of joy out of giving, your generosity is apparently feeding your son-in-law's sense of inadequacy. You can't do much to help him with that besides let him know that you care about him and aren't trying to make a commentary about him when you give to his daughter. At the same time, I would hope that you wouldn't want to purposely make him feel bad by trying to outdo him. Without seeing the situation I can't tell whether you are giving a reasonable amount or giving too much. If there is any possibility that you might be trying to win your granddaughter's love or show off with generous giving then your son-in-law might have a good point. It seems like there could be some way to work it out so that both people's desires are satisfied. Can't you still select thoughtful gifts that your granddaughter will love without drowning them in gifts?
2007-12-14 14:00:06 · answer #3 · answered by drshorty 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I agree with your son-in-law. I think children can have so many toys that they are overwhelmed and tend to not enjoy any of them as much as if they had fewer. I've seen it happen many times. And exchanging, regifting it, hiding it?? Apparently you've never tried to take a gift from a child once they've opened it! I have a grandchild who has always been "over-gifted" at Christmas from her other grandmother. However, my grandchild has spent exactly two days with this grandmother in her nine years even though they live only 12 miles away. This child often says how she wishes her grandmother liked her better. She never says she wishes she could have more gifts.
2007-12-14 13:41:10 · answer #4 · answered by missingora 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Actually I can feel for your son-in-law because I had an issue like this with my Aunt. It got to the point where I was uncomfortable discussing anything around her because something would soon be gifted to me. I felt awful when a new gift appeared.
Also, my daughter ended up with so many stuffed animals and toys that storage really did become an issue. I finally had to request that the family deposit the extra money in a 529 college fund I had set up rather than spending it on more gifts.
Some family members became very angry with me, but you try telling your daughter who is a child that we are wrapping up 10 gifts each Christmas unopened so we could gift them.
So, right now, if you really want to give gifts that will be appreciated, follow their lead. Ask if they would mind if you set up a 529 or another such plan.
Best of luck with this.
2007-12-14 13:31:46 · answer #5 · answered by halestrm 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Maybe slightly, is it possible that you consistently "out do" him with the gift giving? I am also a Grandparent and it is very difficult not to try to get everything they want, but when the parents are struggling financially then it could make them feel as if they are not doing enough. Maybe he just can't keep up with you, and feels bad about it and this is his way of trying to be diplomatic about the situation? Some people can be very uncomfortable with receiving gifts when they can't reciprocate in kind...
2007-12-14 13:32:52 · answer #6 · answered by Badkitty 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
As a former son-in-law and now a gradfather... it is inappropriate for the grandparents to undermine the position of the father and mother of the grandchildren... and excesive "gift" giving can, and does, do that... it is on the same level as undermining the way the parents are raising their children......... that said ... . there are times, and ways. that grandpa can slip a little extra to the grand kid(s)... and can let them getaway with some stuff their parents do not... but it must be well though out and done so with the understanding of the parents... the kid does not need to know the difference... they will figgure it out when they are older and will still apreciate grandpa and the litlle "extras" he did for them...... all with out undermining the parents.... It has taken all summer to train my daughte-in-law to dress the three year old twins in old cloths when they go for walks with grandpa... they will be comeing back dirty... it does not kill a kid to be dirty in public... and they could care less... they just want to have fun... that did not undermine Her authority... and it lets the kids know there are times and places when it is ok to do what they can not do at other times... My son can not afford some of the things I could get for the kids... but I will not buy them... they are saveing for them and I will."help out" so the kids do not know it came mostly from me...
2007-12-14 13:34:59 · answer #7 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think the most thoughtful giver is the ones who listen to the reciever...if they dont have the room they dont have the room....plus although it's the grammy and grammpy's job to spoil I think kids these days are too materialistic......SO you can either talk to your daughter and son in law about keeping some stuff at your house...or having one day a year when the kids go through their stuff and give what they dont want or need to kids who dont have anything...or take the kids to buy somethign for a kid in a shelter.... I think it's ruder for a giver to give in execcisve amounts despite the gettters wishes
2007-12-14 14:08:42 · answer #8 · answered by Princess Consuela B. Hammock 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, you are off base. You and your wife need to respect the way your son and his wife want to live and raise their child. Christmas gets to be a terrible greed-fest, and young children do form judgements about people based on what they get from them. My nieces and nephews have made the same requests regarding their young children, and we honor them. As hard as it is not to buy something I know a child would love!
Limit the gifts, divert the extra money into a savings account to benefit the child's education, and send her little cards and notes throughout the year to show you care.
2007-12-14 14:04:43 · answer #9 · answered by noname 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand what you're saying, but I think your son-in-law may be embarassed or overwhelmed with the amount you're spending on him. I'm sure he appreciates the gesture and thought put into his gifts, but if he's struggling financially, it may seem out of place for him to receive a gift he may consider extravagant. As much as he may WANT the gift, he probably doesn't want to accept the gift just to return it to the store for the money he NEEDS, as it may seem as if he's ungrateful - which is probably not the case.
2007-12-14 13:32:26 · answer #10 · answered by Pooty Pootwell 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can see both sides of the coin....on the one hand, you're grandpa and you probably are able to spend more on your grandchildren than your own children and you wan't to be able to spoil them abit. Your son-in-law probably wants his children to see how much he loves them and not have his efforts undermined by someone who is not the parent and putting in all the work of raising the children. It's also good for children to see that Christmas is not another excuse for materialistic extravaganza. Tone it down a bit maybe but put much thought and care into what you are giving?!
2007-12-14 13:33:16 · answer #11 · answered by Chickenfarmer 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋