My husband hasn't seen his daughters in almost a year. The reason? He and his ex did not have a good split, and she has spent the last 10 years trying to turn his daughters against him. She has told them lies about him that were just outrageous. They split when the girls were really young and she got remarried(To the man she was cheating with) immediatly. They have been raised being told lies about my husband, and have been told to call their stepdad "dad" and my husband by his name. My youngest SD even thinks my husband isn't her real dad, and that her stepdad is. We saw them on a regular basis for a long time, but if we wern't spending tons of money on them, they didn't want to come over. Their mother would bribe them to want to stay home, by offering sleepovers, trips, and going shopping. My husband tried to undo the lies they had been told but it never worked. They believed their mom. He finally decided to leave it up to them to come over whenever they wanted to.......
2007-12-14 04:38:35 · 24 answers · asked by Pink Cowgirl 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
most of the time they would choose not to come over. He doesn't want to make them hate him by trying to go to court to force them and at their ages (11 and 14) he feels that their mother has done damage that he can't reverse. He still pays child support and calls and asks them to come over. The mom either doesn't return phone calls or says they are busy. The girls haven't wanted to come over since right after last Christmas, and I think that was only so they could get gifts. As soon as they got them, they didn't want to come over again. I would hate to do nothing for them for Christmas, but it almost seems like we would be having to buy time with them. It isn't right, in my opinion, to have to bribe them with gifts to make them want to come over. I know their mom is to blame for what they have been told all their lives about my husband, and I can't really blame them, but he can't seem to convince them that he isn't he horrible guy she has told them he was.
2007-12-14 04:41:57 · update #1
The thing with buying them gifts is, that we don't know what they are into, or what their mom would be getting them. She won't return our phone calls 99% of the time, so getting that info from her is like pulling teeth. If we sent them a gift card, she would probably either spend it herself, or say it was from her and they would never know it was from us. Plus if we buy them actual gifts, they probably won't want to come over to get them anyways.
2007-12-14 04:45:18 · update #2
I'm sorry your husband and you are in this situation. I'm a step parent my self.
My suggestion. Whether they return it or not would be to go out buy something simple, like a pair of nice earings, a nice necklace, maybe a calander of something cute or insperational.
Send it to them, with the receipts. If they return it thats on them. You tried. If you dont try that makes you look even worse.
Sorry this is so hard for you. Feel free to drop me a line, sometimes step parents need support.
2007-12-14 05:15:49 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Make a group donation for the entire family, and send cards informing them of the gift you have given. You don't have to tell them the amount, so per-person it will be cheaper, and it's better than sending his relatives gifts that you're never even sure they appreciate. You could do the same for your family, choosing a different charity if you wish, or decide that giving them small gifts is important. The easy way to do it would be to decide an amount for everyone that you can spend (let's say, $200 total--that's not that much considering the amount of people, but it's a rough economy) and splitting it in half--half for each family's gifts. Donate the money for his family's gifts and you can either donate the money or buy small gifts for your family--but make sure he's okay with the plan. Good luck and best wishes!
2016-05-23 22:54:19 · answer #2 · answered by odilia 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I still believe that your husband should buy his children Xmas presents or at least put some money away for them. That way when they do get in touch in the future they will know that he cared and didn't just abandon/forget about them as their mother will probably say. I feel that the mother is being really unfair but if your husband really wants access to his children why doesn't he consult a solicitor and get visitation rights
2007-12-14 05:28:36 · answer #3 · answered by Courtney and Jazmine's mummy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is so hard. I think I'd write a short letter telling them how important they are to you both. Tell them you feel like they don't care when they don't return calls or want to come over. Ask them what they think might help make things better because you want them in your lives. Then pop $50 in there for each kid and wait and see what happens. I think if you give them a gift card and have the codes you can check and see if/when they use it and what it's spent on. (Like a balance check....)
Most of all, don't say anything bad about them to your husband. He probably already feels so bad. I think their mother is awful for doing this to them.
2007-12-14 04:58:34 · answer #4 · answered by Kim 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You take them to dinner on whatever day the courts granted visitation for the holidays and you give them each a gift card.
Either you can take them shopping right then or take them home. Then if their mother doesn't let them spend it she looks like the @sshole. (Just be sure its a store that is convenient for the mother, that way she doesn't have an excuse)
You can do the same for birthdays.
2007-12-14 05:35:15 · answer #5 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would write them a letter and wish them Merry Christmas because they are still his children or better yet why not start a bank account in their names and let them know that when they finish school or when they are 25 they can have access to the accounts. This way their mother can't take away what you give them . Instead of giving them material gifts for their birthdays and holidays put money in their accounts for them and give them a copy of the reciepts so that they understand.
2007-12-14 07:28:44 · answer #6 · answered by Tree70 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd still get them something. It's not the kids' fault that their parents split up. Not the kids' fault what their Mom is doing.
When I was little, my Dad left us. Never sent support.. Never came to see us. (Well, once every 3 years. Does that count?) He sent me $5 in a card every Christmas. Sometimes another $5 on my birthay. I felt totally abandoned by him.
Encourage your husband to keep trying to see the kids, make sure the kids know he's trying to be their Dad. Don't let them feel abandoned. It's important to them.
2007-12-14 04:56:42 · answer #7 · answered by kiwi 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hi,
i am a step daughter to two people, both my parents remarried, you have to be relentless and consistent with these girls. They are at the beginning of their lives, when all that teenager stuff begins to happen. Do things with them that they'd enjoy like the beach or a hike or a bike ride, or even girlish things like a trip to a salon to get every ones hair styled, or manicures/pedicures, make it memorable so they can look back and say " we had a lot of fun with her".... things that will help you and your husband bond closer with them. Never let them see that you are hurt, cause they could use it against you, thinking you are somehow not as strong as their mother (if that's the case).... but to get back to my answer yes definitely get them something....after all they are still little girls, who need your never ending love and support, they will someday realize everything you and your husband have done for them. Good luck and Merry Christmas!
Adryan
2007-12-14 17:52:26 · answer #8 · answered by adryan c 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, parents should always give gifts regardless of the situation. To not buy anything, would kill off any link between him, and his daughters. Any link, even a weak one, could be enough to reestablish connections once they are grown.
Besides all that, he is their father, they are only a product of their environment. Christmas and birthday celebrations are a time for good feelings not bad ones. Just send a gift card.
2007-12-14 21:20:55 · answer #9 · answered by olschoolmom 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Think of it this way.
If you have children and, for some reason, aren't able to see them or speak to them, would you buy them gifts anyway?
What if they were being torn away from you, help captive by someone emotionally & physically? Would you buy them gifts anyway? Would your love for them change or diminish at all? Would you still want to give them things from your heart?
I know that I would.
I would imagine your husband feels the same about his children.
2007-12-14 04:46:59 · answer #10 · answered by Maureen 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋