Ok - I'd really like some input/perspective from a few non-drinkers on this one. A good friend I've known since childhood is a Christian minister. I'm not religious, but I do my best to respect others' beliefs - especially friends and family - even if I don't share those beliefs. However, I'm having a hard time respecting the rationale behind my friend's decision not to attend my wedding. He's opposed to drinking alcohol under any circumstances, so he refuses to attend an event that serves alcohol.
Why can he not attend and drink some of the many non-alcoholic drinks available? His decision not to come hurts my feelings, and it reeks of "My beliefs are superior, and I'm better than you".
I have (religious) non-drinkers in my family. They're all happy to come to the wedding and drink water, coffee, sodas, and punch. Am I over-reacting, or is my friend's behavior as rude and arrogant as I think it is? I think that his snub looks far worse than being seen near alcohol.
2007-12-14 04:21:15 · 31 answers · asked by SE 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
It really surprised me that this person would behave this way. We've been friends since childhood, and he's always been such a fun person. He's only 30 (like me), so maybe he's still a little immature. I guess he feels the need to 'take a stand'... hopefully he'll gain the wisdom and insight to learn not to alienate people.
At least most of you agree that he's being unreasonable...
2007-12-14 04:36:56 · update #1
He's an arrogant, self-righteous aquaintance - certainly not a "friend". A true friend would attend your wedding NO MATTER WHAT! We have friends and relatives of many faiths and cultures and we invite every one of them to every single function. And they attend happily. The non-drinkers have colas or coffee or punch. The Mormons drink non-caffienated soda or bottled water. The others drink wine or whatever they choose. You are not holding a political function to advocate "Booze for all". You're hosting a happy occasion and offering many types of refreshments. This pig-headed BOOR needs a lesson in manners and his own supervising pastor would probably tell him that he's being stupid. The only reason that would be acceptable is if he is a VERY WEAK ALCOHOLIC and fears that even being in a room where alcohol is present would be too much temptation. This oaf is not a true Christian at all. And it's time you cut him off your list of "friends". If he won't even attend your wedding, he's probably using you as a "bad example" in his sermons. At the very least, he's clearly indicated that he thinks you are evil and going to hell. Guys like that are what drives people away from churches!
2007-12-14 06:05:48 · answer #1 · answered by Wifeforlife 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I have run into your problem. Half my family is baptist and non-drinkers. They are very devout and do not like drinking period. While the other half are the party type and love alcohol. I am getting married next year and I talked to the side of the family who doesn't drink and told them that I was planning on having alcohol at the wedding. They said it was completely fine that they would still come because it is my wedding and they aren't the type to force their beliefs on others. Thats my point...your friend saying they are not coming because there will be wine is ridiculous. No one said they had to drink and they are being selfish by expecting you to force their beliefs on all your guests just because they don't like it. Remind your friend it is not their wedding and if they were a true friend they would be there regardless of the alcohol. I hope this makes you feel better. :0)
2007-12-14 04:28:34 · answer #2 · answered by Kmott 3 · 4⤊ 1⤋
When you extend an invitation, you are giving the other person a choice of whether to come or not. While I respect his choice not to come, whatever his reason for making the choice, I do not respect him "justifying" his choice by attempting to make you alter your plans or beliefs. You, as the host, decide what will and will not be served. He, as the prospective guest, decides whether he will attend. That is all. Yes, his behavior is rude and somewhat arrogant. I would have thought that a minister, or any adult, for that matter, would behave better.
2007-12-14 05:19:45 · answer #3 · answered by Jeanne R 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I can't see him as being a very good minister. He seems completely out of touch with the real world and how things are done...for example, you don't boycot a friend's wedding because there will be wine there.
But, if that's what he wants to do, then that's what will happen. Don't beg, plead, or complain. Just say "Okay, if that's how you really feel, we'll miss having you there." It sounds to me like he's trying to cow you into not having alcohol...don't let him.
2007-12-14 06:42:40 · answer #4 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow. It does sound a bit over the top.
Kudos to you for respecting his beliefs! I know it really hurts you that he isn't coming to the wedding. I don't understand why he would shun the entire celebration. No one is telling him he has to drink, and as you state there are many other options.
Have you had a chance to talk to him? Let him know you are hurt, feeling snubbed by a good friend, and that you don't understand why he won't celebrate this day with you. There may be a deeper reason there (an alcoholic past or a bad experience with someone else who had an alcohol problem?).
Hope it works out. Congratulations!
2007-12-14 04:46:50 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
It is a shame this person is putting his beliefs in front of being there to share in your special day. After all... he won't be required to drink. It would be his choice to either have a drink or two.. or exercise his beliefs while there and not drink.
My grandfather did not go to a close family friends son's wedding because it was not taking place in a church... he is a devout catholic and would not support the groom's choice to marry out of a church. I did not agree with my grandfather in this case either... just as I do not agree with your friend.
He will regret not going to your wedding... I certainly hope he at least makes it to the ceremony.
2007-12-14 07:02:43 · answer #6 · answered by Kim 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I do agree with most everyone else. I think its a little unfair of him to push this upon you. You are trying to make arrangements to fit everyones need and this is something that you want. I think he is being unreasonable and being a little selfish. My fiance and I and my family are drinkers, but most of his family is not. Hell most of his family has done time in AA. We are still planning on having alcohol at our wedding but its their choice not to partake.
If your friend is tempted by the alcohol then its his choice not to attend. But I don't think he should be making such a big deal out of it. There are alternatives for him he is just choosing not to look at that side of the coin.
2007-12-14 06:23:05 · answer #7 · answered by musicgrl42002 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your friend's being unreasonable. Many people in my family do not drink, but it didn't stop them from attending my wedding. We made sure we sat all the nondrinkers at the same table and told them that so they knew they wouldn't be served alcohol. We even had a couple that came who are Kosher, so they couldn't even eat anything! So if these people can come even though they have religious restrictions, your friend has no excuse. Maybe there's another reason he's not telling you about.
2007-12-14 04:35:01 · answer #8 · answered by Peace 5 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Your friend is being very superior and selfish. The Wedding Day is YOUR day. You have spent umpteen hours and dollars planning it. Now you have extended invitations to those people you feel important enough to share it with you. You are the most important persons on this day. If your "Friend" doesn't wish to honor you by attending, then it is his loss. (Hopefully he will find another way to honor you like a Mass in your honor) You have made arrangements for all to come and be able to enjoy. As long as you aren't planning a drunken brawl your friend is out of line.
I am always honored when invited to attend a friends wedding. It is a big deal. Marriage today need all the positive support they can get.
2007-12-14 04:41:51 · answer #9 · answered by 8-) Nurf Herder 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Your Christian minister friend obviously isn't very up on his teachings. He DOES know that Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding, right? Or that wine is what's traditionally used in Communion? Or that the Bible says drinking isn't a sin and overindulging to where our judgment is impaired is?
I know this may sound horrible, but I wouldn't worry about it. If he doesn't want to come, so be it. You don't want a religious zealot at your wedding anyway. Have fun!
2007-12-14 07:11:39 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋