Why do i refuse to like women since 'first love'?

Question

Im a 28 year old man and havent had a proper relationship for 8 years! Ive also smoked weed daily for that long since i split with my first love at 20, actually she wasnt my girlfriend and we just slept together and were best friends for ages! She broke my heart and didnt give a damn! The woman i thought was my soulmate turned out to be the devil! I vowed i wouldnt get hurt again(id been rejected a few times before her-im overweight) and wanted to wait until i found someone truly special! It didnt happen whenever id find someone i like i wouldnt try coz i could tell they werent interested 'like that'! One girl i did like, a friend in uni, i told, she kissed me at first then stood me up the next day! It was then i turned my back on love at 23. Since then the only 'action' ive had is one night stands when im drunk and some fat birds throw themselves on me! Lately i dont believe in love and am starting to loathe my friends to, they discuss me, i know, gossip coz i aint had a relationship

like them! They try to set me up with very obese women that they wouldnt go with in a million years and im simply not attracted to(i feel guilty about that) but they think i should settle for because im 40lbs overweight. Im good looking and 6'3 so how come i cant move past this! Im starting to dislike everyone now not just my friends and women also women friends! I wish my family would of told me how cruel and cold a place the world is and blame them for telling me its the inside that counts. I will never have a beautiful girl im crazy about. Help! i used to be such a loving, caring guy but feel lost and bitter!

Answer 1

You have a huge problem with abandoment.
She wasn't the first one that abandoned you.
The first one was a parentrobabaly your mom.
even if THAT wasn't enough you have been withdrawing from life ever since. Hence the weed.
The adversion to fat girls...was the parent that abandoned you fat? or are they now?
You feel fat girls aren't worth your time and take it as an insult that they are the only ones that like you? Yet you refer to the fact you are also fat
ie YOU are not worth anyones time or effort.
Get a good therapist. Ask for a referal from someone you DO trust. Which I know can't be many people.
I am sorry you are lost and I am sorry for you nobody has tried to help you stand up. I am pissed at the people you consider to be worthy of your friendship not holding up their end of the bargin and let you sink deeper and deeper into your self. At 28 a man is wondering why he isn't a man yet.Then they begin to ask all the prelevent questions . They will dig into anything to find out why they aren't. As for this matter you are right on with the rest of your age group so you aren't as far back as you could be.
and just so you know... your therapist might be a fat chick or a former fat chick and you might like her anyway :) but guarenteed she will teach you to like yourself so you can go on to be a husband and a real daddy to your children. Good luck hon
I care about you.

Answer 2

How about you grow up and start acting like an adult and not a pot smoking teen now that your 28. I'm 26 and never in a million years would I go for a guy like you because you aren't an adult. It's unfortunate that this happens to some people, they never grow up or take forever. But, this is your main problem. Get over the girl from 8 years ago, stop being bitter, cause it's old. I had someone break my heart as well when I was 20, actually 2 days after my bday, but I made sure I moved on so that I could go on with life. You have to or you end up like yourself. Grow up!

Answer 3

It just takes certain conditions being met. Women are very, very distractable when it comes to being in the mood. It really helps to have the chorelist finished, everything ready for the kids to go to school in the morning, stuff like that. She really needs to learn to transition to NOT worrying over every little thing for an hour or so, in order to be in the right frame of mind. If she seems distracted, ask why. Maybe it's those dinner dishes still in the sink. Then you might offer to help her clean up the kitchen before hand, or promise to do it later. Then she'll be relaxed and happy to please. Of course, if you're letting her get exhausted by running around all evening doing all the housework by herself, the solution is obvious. But for the average helpful husband, she probably is just too distracted. Also: Try saying, "Let's just make out" Trust me, 99% of the time, she will happily decide to take things "all the way", but this takes some pressure off of her to begin with. For some reason, women read this as "I want to connect with you, I love you", whereas "Let's have sex" COULD mean, "I want to get off, and I want you to help." This may not be the right translation, but it's what women sometimes hear anyway.

Answer 4

Ok, you are doing good, you have recognized something is going on. I am thinking that what you describe is not the problem itself though. These are merely symptoms of the problem. You may be going thru a pretty severe depression. A doozey of one at that.

First loves are rough especially when they go the way that yours did. Not fun. A kind of scarring experience. The MJ is not helping the problem. It may make things feel better but it is only prolonging the agony. Alcohol will do the same thing as well. Your depression may be causing you to get a little addicted to these things.

It sounds like you need to see someone who can help you. A therapist is what you should seek out. Hopefully, you can afford it. Do not expect miracle results. Another hopefully is that you allow yourself to see the therapist. Many people look down upon therapy. It is not going to taint you in any way. You just need some help that is all.

One piece of advice I can give is to get into some group workout activities. A class at a gym or something. I like to do Bodypump and RPM. There are dual reasons for this. One is getting into shape is always a good thing. Good for your health and mind and it is also just good fun. Another thing is that recent studies indicate that group workouts are good in dealing with depression. Some even indicate that they are almost as good as the medications out there.

So to sum up.
1. Cut out the MJ and alcohol and whatever else you may be doing. Get your life in order and then (with moderation) start up again. You might want to watch out for substance abuse if you are suffering from depression.

2. Find someone to help you. Therapy can come from a lot of different places and come at all sorts of different prices. Don't rely on a bartender or someone like that. Find someone who is actually licensed to provide therapy.

3. Find a group workout program. Working out with a couple of friends is good and even working out alone is better than nothing but working out with a group of people in a class is the best.

4. I would advice not getting into any relationships at the moment and not getting into one night stands either until you have worked something out. They can just as addicting as drugs or alcohol.

5. Don't believe that you are love-cursed or anything like that. You have had some rough patches. It hurts but they are the exception and not the rule. You can get going again. You just need to stop and come up with a plan on how to get things going right this time.

Answer 5

the first step to change is admitting things have to change. you don't want to be bitter yet you are allowing this old long ago relationship as a sham to avoid life.

You are hitting 30 and....life goes on. You will survive. If you feel that you are overweight and that's a problem, go to the doctor and hit the gym. Stop playing around already and going woe is me. Check out your health, go to the dentist, buy new clothes, clean out your apartment, get yourself straightened out. Make new friends, find new places to hang out, take some classes to meet new people with similar interests! Learn a new language, take a trip, do SOMETHING good for you.

This is a big world with a lot of people inhabiting it. No one needs to be alone unless they want to be. Stop the woe is me and poor me b.s., get yourself into physical and mental shape (see a therapist to figure out your relationship issues) and get moving and enjoying LIFE

Answer 6

First of all, you're not that abnormal. Many, many guys are ridiculously delicate blossoms when it comes to having been hurt by the first girl they've ever loved. I don't know why they can't get over it.

Secondly, I don't know where exactly you get off referring to the women who will sleep with you as "fat birds." Maybe it's your sh*tty attitude that's turning women off.

Lastly, I hope you see the mind-boggling hypocrisy in wanting a "beautiful woman" for yourself, while crying that women don't appreciate you for your inner qualities.

Answer 7

That's life. Know what you do? Think about all the money you're saving not having a girlfriend/fiancee/wife. It will blow your mind the freedom you have to do and buy what you want when you don't have that ball and chain. Now grow a pair and get on with living!

Answer 8

You are immature and you sound like a 5th grader. First, you need to quit smoking weed everyday and go to the gym. You need to catch a womans attention first with physical attraction.

Answer 9

no offense but stop smoking weed the paranoia will go.

and if your that bothered about people setting you up with "fat birds" then tell them to stop. there is someone for everyone but with the attitude you seem to have you will be lonely!! noone likes a stoner who feels sorry for themselves and is bitter about the past! let it go everyone gets their heart broken!

Answer 10

why don't you first of all quit smoking weed,i know it sounds hard,but it can be done i smoked it everyday for for like 11 years and i am now 31 i just up and quit one day and i haven't smoked in like 6 years,you have to seperate yourself from those people that you smoke with.and it seems like after i stopped smoking and started working on myself,to better myself is when i met my husband he is so perfect for me i had always had bad relationships,and was not looking for him when he came into my life.just work on loving yourself bettering yourself and the rest will come easy.good luck! you will find her.