What's best in the long run?

Question

I'm a 21 year old woman, and I have a demanding mother. I have not been living with her since July, and I'm getting married in August of next year. While she adores the man I chose to marry, she doesn't like that I have a different way of doing things than her, in all areas of life. To her, even if it works, if she doesn't do it that way, its wrong. She's verbally very critical of me. She's been wanting me to grow up for the last 4 years (I was mentally unstable at the time). Now that I have matured, she wants to rule over me like I'm a child. She's been this way most of my life, it got worse after my father died. Even though I have moved out on my own, I'm still abiding by the morals I was taught as a child. And it goes unnoticed. The littlest things seem to make her not recognize that. I really wish I could have a good bond with her. And I've asked her what I can do, and she always gets offended, like she wants to deny there's a problem, even though I blame myself. Any advice?

Answer 1

What I found out as a parent is that the transition from parent of a child and parent of an adult is harder than anything I did as a parent. There are no articles or books to address what happens to you as a mother, and how to stay involved and supportive(that never ends), and how to back off and let them live their lives and make their mistakes.

I remember when the lightbulb first flickered(I didn't quite get it then), my daughter was living at home but attending college and she was 19 or 20. She was going out for the evening and told me as she left where she was going and when she would be back. I just off handedly said "Oh that's ok with me honey, see you later." She stopped and very respectfully said "Mom, I'm just telling you where I will be, so you won't worry, I'm not asking permission."
Lightbulb moment, of course she isn't, I already did that part of the job and its over, she doesn't have to ask permission to live her life.

It took a few more years and hearing it from both my girls before I really got it. They were grown women and while they need their mom, they need their mom to nurture and support them, not rescue them and certainly not to tell them what to do. Its been hard to bite my tongue, especially when I am scared for them, but I've done it.

Your mom just doesn't understand her role in your life now, and it may take her a while. Some women never get it and you see them on Yahoo Answers trying to control their adult kids and feeling hurt when it fails.

A good bond takes time and if you did some things that scared and disappointed your mom, you may need to give her the time she gave you. You don't live with her, you can control your contact with her. If she's verbally critical of your choices, you may have to, without drama, and with respect, tell her that you appreciate her input but you've made your choice.

You need to give your mom a break. A woman who is menapausal(and she is either pre or post) many times cannot see the forest for the tree's. You are only 21, you have a good start on living your life well but you aren't there by any means. Be alittle more humble, things change in an instant.

Give her some time and give yourself some time. Resolve to not argue with her during your wedding process. Be generous with your mother, it sounds like she saw you through a rough patch, so she obviously loves and cares about you.

Answer 2

Write it out in a letter to her so she cannot interrupt.

If that does not work, cut back on the contact.

If all else fails, you are your husband may consider moving away. I have a feeling she will eventually be critical of him as well and cause problems in your marriage.