Is it right to show a 3 year old her father in the casket?

Question

my granddaughter's mother..said she would had nightmares if she saw her father (my son) in the casket i said if there is someone to instill nightmares then she just might have them..I told her that would had been the end of the story .(seeing him in the casket ).and my grandduaghter won't have to be waiting for him to come home...i have a 6 year old daughter and she saw her brother in the casket and 2 other close family members she never have nightmare.i tell my daughter god took her brother because he needed a gardner to plant the trees and flowers ( seeing her brother in the casket. was the end of his store only memories) .my daughter in law tells my granddaughter her daddy is in heaven with the angels ..but my grandduaghter keeps asking when will daddy come home?..what do you think?

Answer 1

This is such an individual choice. It appears your granddaughter's mother has the choice. If the chld does have nightmares and you get to visit, you may be able to help ease her by telling her stories of her daddy that even her mommy doesn't know. From his childhood when he was 3, things like that.
Death is often more easily accepted but possibly not understood by youngsters.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I pray your relationship with your grandaughter grows by leaps and bounds as the years pass and that what ever decision by her mother will not be a wedge between you, but a bridge you both walk across.

My now grown son is not upset with me that I did not let him see his dad. But to this day he misses him, because they were very bonded, not because he couldn't see the shell that was left behind.

Death is so personal and different for everyone.

Again, sympathy and prayers go out to you.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

My condolences for your loss. Your precious granddaughter will feel the loss of her father more if she sees her father lying in the casket. I've put myself in your shoes and know that my 6 year old would not be right about seeing his daddy in a casket(God Forbid). A three year old, I think would wonder why daddy is not getting up. It depends on the child, but my son is afraid of losing us right now and would not be able to handle it. I would send him to a close friend where he would be well taken care of during that time. And I wouldn't lie to him but in my opinion, I would keep the whole thing positive inasmuch as I could. It's traumatic enough without seeing it. The memories should be positive ones. Right now children don't fully comprehend and a picture speaks volumes in their minds. Just mho.

Answer 4

I have a very large extended family. 100's of people. We have seen a lot of death. As children as early as I can remeber we have viewed the dead.
I have cousins who lost their mother in the 70's veiwed her and have never said anything about the pains of seeing their mother laying dead in the casket. Their problem was that she was never coming home again.

About a year and a half ago I had a cousin who was in a terrible car wreck. She laid in the hospital in the ICU for days. Her kids were allowed to see her there. They could not really understand what was happening. Their mother died and they were allowed to see her in the hospital bed laying dead not fixed up at all. They still did not understand and it was hard for them. Seeng her in the casket all cleaned up was good for them. The last they saw their mother she didn't look so bad. This was helpful for them.

Not many months later they were living with their Grandma, my aunt. They slept in her bed one night she died. They woke up the next morning to find their Grandma dead beside them. This was very hard on them. They were able to cope with it better seeing her cleaned up in the casket.

Their troubles and nightmares go far beyond seeing their close loved one in the casket. They never complain about the casket just the fact the ones they really love were suddenly taken away. Their ages at the time was about 5 & 6.

I don't feel seeing loved ones in a casket is any different at the age of 3 than the age of 5. It may even be a little easier because they don't really understand. There is not any easy age to see someone dead. We learn to cope with it.

I have two nieces that their mother never did allow them to view the dead. Now they are 17 and 18 and still can not deal with death of anyone at all. Unlike others of my family their age who can who have been around it since birth.

Answer 5

this is one of those questions where there is no right or wrong answer.. I have seen it go both ways... a lot depends on the child as well as the family's way of dealing with this death... How close is the child with those adults.... at 3 she will not totally understand death.. and this will be possibly the last and only memory of her daddy...
A bigger issue I see brewing here is a riff between this poor child's mom and grandma... this could be even more traumatic (as it may continue for years) to this little girl who has just had a great loss..
Please don't let this take another loved one from this precious little lady..
you ask what you are suppose to tell her... tell her that daddy has passed on that he wont be home... tell her how much she is loved by you all... tell her stories as she grows about her dad... build good memories....tell her how much you all miss him and loved him.... rather than fighting over what could be .one of the worst in her life....

Answer 6

Well, I live in a funeral home, and so I've seen a lot of funerals with young children in attendance. I've never heard of any instance where the young children were upset by seeing a loved one in the casket. The parents or other family members usually say something like what you said to their children before they get to the funeral home so they won't be scared or have nightmares about seeing a dead body.

Although I think it's wonderful that your daughter-in-law told your granddaughter that her daddy is in Heaven, it just won't sink in to her little mind right away because she didn't see her daddy "sleeping" so to speak.

Let me say how sorry I am for your loss and theirs. I will be praying that the Lord hold all of you very close to Him and comfort you. God bless you!!!

Lovingly,
Virginia

Answer 7

GenGen,

There is no one rule for the best way to explain/handle death for small children. Children are different. My first child was very reactive and many things gave her nightmares. My last child wanted to go to her GreatGrandmother's funeral and was mad because I didn't let her go(she was only 3, but she really wanted to go and I didn't let her thinking it was unsuitable. She never forgot that I didn't let her go, she just wanted to say goodbye). Her sister, who is 5 1/2 years older wanted nothing to do with it. My little one wouldn't have had a nightmare, my oldest would. Most parents learn to take individual differences/different needs into account. This incident taught me a few things!

Maybe you should look around and see if there is a child's picture book that gives a simple explanation of death. I'm sure there are some out there for this very reason. Children go through developmental stages that we must try and understand. Your grandchild simply may not be ready for the abstract concept of death.

For the sake of everyone in the family, just keep expressing your love for each other in this hard time for all of you. By the way, I forgot to mention that small children process troubling issues by repeating them over and over until something inside them can accept what happened. I had a miscarriage when my first child was 3 years old. For many days she came up to me over and over and told me,"I'm sorry you lost your baby, Mommy." It was very hard for me to keep hearing what she said, but somehow I just knew to say, "I know you are sweetie, I'm sorry my baby died, too". Eventually she stopped and never brought it up again. She gained some kind of reassurance in the repetition. Your little one may be repeating things that she doesn't yet grasp or is still confused/jumbled up inside over.

I'm very sorry for you in losing your son, I can't even imagine how painful that must be. You are being very sweet to your grandkids and I just hope things get better for you all before too long. I'll pray for you all tonight. The holiday season is such a tough time for anyone who loses a loved one during the year.

Answer 8

i think she needs to remember her daddy the way he was, alive and happy, i think that seeing him in his casket, will be stuck in her little mind for the rest of her life and that's not the last memory she needs to have of him. i know this is a hard time for you and your family, you are in my prayers. i feel that she is too young for that, it will consume her thoughts, she will want him to wake up and she will cry when he doesn't. i would just try to keep explaining to her where he is and that he can't come home, but one day she will see him again in his new home. that poor sweet little child, i can only imagine the things running through her little mind right now. just let her remember daddy the way he was, look at pictures of him with her as much as possible to keep him fresh in her memory, say prayers with her regarding her daddy, like ask god to tell daddy we love him or tell daddy hi for us. and just talk about him a lot with her. god will get your family through this tough time, and give you guidance and strength, to show you what to do. God bless you.

Answer 9

Personally, I believe that the child is too young to comprehend daddy is dead. A casket to you and I....represents death but, not to a three year old! She does not have to knowledge to comprehend the finality of death! She would only think daddy is sleeping.

You asked what I think, if it were me, in your position, I would tell her that daddy went home to be with Jesus! My heart goes out to her as she has not a clue ....

In as much, I would ask thta you pray for her and ask god to give you the wisdom to say what her little heart can accept. I pray for you too as I know this must be a very hard time...it would be for me! I will keep you all lifted in prayer and ask God to guide you with informing this precious babe about her Daddy.

God's Blessings upon your family,
If you need to talk or, just vent....e-mail me,
gail

Answer 10

In my own experience I was four when my dad's mom died and it is not that I had nightmares really, it is just the only way I remember her. I believe you must do what is in your heart, but as we grow-up we usually only remember the really big things that happen to us, and it is the chance that you will take that your child will remember him in his casket and not the time he tickled him so hard he peed his pants. Then on the flip side, I do not believe in telling the child a lie about where their loved one is. I would definitely try to explain to the child where their parent is and let them attend the funeral by itself. My cousins were told their grandparent to a vacation and was never coming back, and that just made them feel bad, and did not leave positive feelings about them. I hope everything works out!