To forgive or not??

Question

My brother was an A hole to me growing up. I always hated it when someone smacked their food, and he knew it. He would always smack on purpose just to make me mad, whenever he could. Handing out gum to everyone around me, all that stuff. He always did it with that same smile on his face. Even after years of this, after begging, pleading and crying for him to just leave me the hell alone, he wouldnt. I don't think I can forgive anyone for that kind of mental torture. We are both older now and live outside the house and in our own apartment. Recently, he stayed with me for three days and it was the worst three days ever, because all those feelings came rushing back. Who is he to stay at my place after what he did to me? But I just held it in. He comes over every now and again cuz he left his phone charger, or some papers, he gets his stuff but then stays and sometimes even tags along with me and my friends. This is NOT cool. I;m gonna have to tell him to stay out of my life from now on.?

I know he is my brother, but I honestly don't care for him. So what he came from the same parents as me, that means im supposed to care for him?? No. Not after what he did. I lost all respect for him a long time ago.

Answer 1

You need to let it go. Not for his sake, for your's...........

Answer 2

You will one day be in a postion that will require someones forgiveness. Holding on to OLD things will make you sick far worse than the silly things people did as kids. He had an issue with you while you two were growing up which is why he deliberatly annoyed you. You probably annoyed him and you didn't know. Forgive yourself 1st for the torchure you have put on yourself holdin on to that thing for so long, then give yourself permission to talk about it with him and let it go. This is a time that the both of you are going to have to be there for one another. Your friends will change but your brother will always be your brother that will NEVER change. Let that thing go and enjoy each other. Your brother is lonely and either wants your attention, or forgiveness which is why he keeps showing up at your door step. Talk to him.

Answer 3

Just because you were born from the same parents and raised in the same household does not mean that you have to be friends with your brother. You get the privilege of choosing your friends - people who care about you, love you and respect you. Sometimes your friends are members of your family, oftentimes not. As adults, many of our friends become our family.

I think a lot of the other responders had great points. His behaviour when you were growing up is in the past, and that is where it needs to stay. You need to let go of your resentment of his childhood behaviour and base your present relationship on how he treats you today.

If he is still disrespectful to you, you need to draw boundaries. There is nothing wrong with protecting your feelings and your sanity. If this means cutting him out of your life completely, well, that is only a decision that you can make. Just remember how hard it will be, not only for you, but for your whole extended family (no family enjoys attending an event where 2 or more family members can't be civil, or when one refuses to attend because the other one is attending, etc..).

I, too, had a sibling who made my life a living hell growing up. I try the best I can to let go of the past and focus on who she is today. As an adult, I have more ability to draw boundaries with her and I have taken responsibility over the type of relationship that I am willing to have with her. I do my best to enjoy her company when I see her. But, whenever I spend time with her I know - deep in my heart - that she may always be my sister but she will never be my friend. It is hard when I see other siblings who are so close and intimate, but I do the best I can to, not only, accomodate my own feelings and needs, but those of our extended family.

You are in an unenviable situation, but you need to deal in the present and base any actions that you are going to take on his current treatment of you.

Best wishes!

Answer 4

Are you serious? He smacked his food? Didn't give you gum? Did he beat you? Yell at you? Tell lies about you?
Did he steal from you? After what he did to you?

Read your question again. Does it sound petty?

There are wars going on all over the world. Children are starving to death/ People are homeless and out in the freezing weather and pouring rain. Others have lost all they had in house fires in L.A. etc. etc.

And you hate your brother because he smacked his food in front you and wouldn't give you gum?

Your brother sounds as if he is trying to get to know you more, because you are HIS BROTHER. What is wrong with you?

I am going ask you a question. Are you really going to cut your brother out of your life because of the above?

Ohhhhhhh, now I get it. You are pulling our legs. Nobody could ask a question like that and really mean it. Good joke. I get it now. Well, you really got me. I thought that you were serious at first, but now I realize that nobody could be that immature to think that way.

Answer 5

If all that happened when you were kids then you really just need to move on.
Forgive him, you were kids. I'm sure you did things that annoyed him too. It happens a lot, most of us with brothers and sisters went through that stuff too. It's just your typical sibling rivalry.

In reality you should really try to get a different relationship with your brother. If you don't want him being around your friends, tell him. Although I will say, "blood is thicker than water."

Answer 6

It sounds to me, like you already made up your own mind. So, I will share with you what I know...life is far to short to spend it unhappy and in the past...it is your choice to forgive or not...you already know the feelings of non-forgiving and living in the past...take the chance and move forward and see what the future has for the two of you...when you forgive someone, it doesn't say that what they did was right, it just says that "I am taking back my power."
I was NOT friends with my brothers when I was growing up at home...they all did things that really hurt...now, we are great friends! I love them for who God has created them to be...very different from me. I don't know if that helps or not, however that is what I know. Blessings to you and your brother. My vote, forgive and live

Answer 7

It all depends on the way that he has changed towards you. I am going through something completely similar that you are and I believe that you shouldn't have to ask for a change or for the respect that you deserve especially if he/she is and adult. Call it what you will. Like I said if he is indirectly disrespectful to you or gives you low-blows every now and then plus you can't stand to be around him then make one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life and cut him off for good. He won't miss you and you know it but if it's in you to give him one more year of hope for the sake of family I definitely wouldn't have a thing against that...I wish I could have things go that way but I can't. For my kids you know what I mean?!?!

Answer 8

Forgive and forget about it... You both are adults now and YOU WILL NEED each other later in life. Take my word for that....

Now if you cannot rise about being petty of some really stupid kid's stuff.... Then don't socialize with the man. But I think you'll just be cheating yourself in the long run. If you really feel he "tortured" you as you stated, why don't you ask him why? I think you'll discover that it was nothing more than simple sibling rivalry.....

Answer 9

Believe it or not, but your brother needs you. You don't want him out of your life you just want him to respect you! Tell him he owes you his life for what he did to you, tell him he owes you an apology, and go from their, your not that kid anymore and your brother knows this. You have got to put it in the past, or it will rip you and your brother apart ......Talk to him about this maybe hes old enough now to understand how he made you feel, but for your sanity let it go .......good luck!

PS to this day i can't stand to here anyone smack their food, gum or what ever, it makes my skin crawl-----My Brother done me the same way....SMACK

Answer 10

Wow, thats rough, he is your blood but you should not have to put up with him now. Keep your distance but be there for each other if either of you is in a bind. Good luck. I see my dad and his brother and they went through the same - my unlce says that my dad was mean to him growing up and I can see how that could be. My unlce cause alot of grief on my grandparents and my dad resented him for that also. But in order to make up for how mean he was to my uncle after my grandparents passed my dad helped my uncle get out of a legal bind and set him up in a business. My uncle took accepted the help then told my dad to get lost. They havent spoke since - my dad is in his 60's and my uncle is in his late 50's and I guess they both can hold a grudge - I feel torn because I love them both and wish they could just get along but they have their reasons. Good luck - I would hope you wouldnt end up like my family - you really should take this situation up in prayer.

Answer 11

Be careful what you wish for. Think seriously how you would feel if something happened and you never saw him again. All relatives are annoying. My quess is your brother adores you and has spent his life trying to get your attention. Think about it he leaves things so he can keep coming back. Have you really sat him down and told him that you love him but he annoys the crap out of you? Give it a try.