Hold on to bio-father, or let him go?

Question

I am 28.
I found my biological father 2 years ago. We met, things went well, I thought he accepted me, even liked me. I wanted to get to know him, and for him to know me, and for me to have a Dad.

We have had a few outings, spent time with each other, and I've even been to a family reunion. He hugs me and tells me that he's glad that I am in his life. He has called a couple of times, but it seems that the longer time goes on, the less I hear from him. He forgot my B-day (in Sept), and did not call for Thanksgiving. He had the year before.

It's just seeming like I'm doing so much to stitch us back together.

As the holiday season is here, I am feeling Father-less, and really want him around.

My dh says to just let him go. He has had his chance to have me as his daughter now (twice) and he isn't too eager to take it.

Is DH right? Do I have to come to terms with rejection, again? Or should I keep going?

Thanks for your opinion. It hurts, be gentle.

Answer 1

i can completely understand how you feel... my father left me and my mom when i was 3 and i saw him a handfull of times from there on out.... i for a long time wanted to find him and say wtf, why did you give up.... but i later learned he thought it was better that way... he was a truck driver and gone alot.... after meeting my brother who i havent seen in about 20 plus years i learned that is just how he was.... i am sure your father has feelings and more than likely loves you, maybe he is just scared and not sure what to do... you did the right thing in contacting him and letting him know you care.... now let him do what he wants to do and it will work itself out... if it is meant to be and good for both your relationship will grow stronger... if not then take that for what it is... maybe it is better for him to go his own way... be patient and see what happens... you have a great hubby for letting you get that far and not discouraging you... he is just looking out for you.... tell him i said good job.... good luck and i hope it works out... trust me i feel you

Answer 2

I am sorry, I don't know what is a DH. If you can please tell me on comments. As for your dad, again I am sorry. Yes, I am an old broad now, but I was once young and fatherless too. I wished and wished my father would come and claim me, love me and take me away from the awful home I was raised in. But, it never happened. This is a sad story, but you might need to read it. One day after visiting my dying great aunt in the hospital, my mother and I got into the elevator with a strange man. My mother piped up and said "Well hello Dick (really name, lol), Maybe you would like to meet your youngest daughter, Rusty (not a real name)!" The man was nice enough, but nerious as all heck. I was in shock but polite. He explained that his mother was also in the hospital and dying. I had two funeral to attend that month. At his mother's I showed up with my oldest sister and big brother who was home from the Vietnam War on medical leave, in full uniform. The old man was polite to all of us, but stuck with his wife and other children and we made a short visit out of it. Every few years I've sent him a Christmas card ... for meaness really. In a way I still wanted me to claim me, but in every passing year, I've grown to hate him. Three year ago I got a call from Dick junior, his son. The old man past away in 2000!
So, learn from my story. Give him only the knowledge that you are alive and that is all. He does not deserve or want anything more of you. Do better by your own kids and pick a fellow who will stick with you ... for ever.
Be Bless Little Sister,
Rusty

Answer 3

Some people are lazy and expect everyone else to do the giving and keep the relationship going while they make no effort. Apparently relationships just arent that important enough to people like this. They usually seek out spouses who are willing to do everything while they do nothing. It could be he is one of those people. Once the ground work was done he is now becoming lazy and complacent about it. You could ask him how important the relationship is to him. If he says it is then ask him why he puts almost no effort into it then. Force him to be honest.

Answer 4

Listen to your husband! If this man truly wanted to be a father and in your life, he would have done so. When you are right in front of him, sure, he will be nice, as he doesn't have the bollocks to turn away. You are just setting yourself up for more heartache. I too, am fatherless. My father lived just a few miles from me most of my life. I won't call him, let him die a lonely old man because obviously he never wanted me to begin with.

Answer 5

I'm so sorry sweetie, no one wants to feel unwanted by a parent.

You have two choices, you can chase him down all the time and hope that he starts to return the favour eventually,

or

you can let him go, as bad as it hurts, it's almost like removing a band-aid.

It really depends on how badly this hurt is festering over his lack of initiative.

Answer 6

Hun I know your pain as I too wanted to have my biological around, but it seems that he and my half-sister want no part of me. So I moved on, I think the hurt will always be there but not as bad. My advice is close that part of you life and make your friends your family as I have done!

Answer 7

he may have problems that some time can get a man to isolate himself dont want to share too heavy load to his daughter
he may be say and guilty all these time he is not with you
contact and ask him
ask him to share what the problem may be
man have pride will no share his weaknesses instead isolate and mope
find out first dont give up on him
he may be just as lonely(disconnected to his daughter)

Answer 8

i know how it feels to not have a father around. but this is up to you, it doesn't matter what other peopelt hink, this is your choice. you can try to keep a relatioship if its going to help you, but other than that you can do it all. if you talk to him tell him how feel baout not growing up with him and how he has one last chance. see what hes says.


i'm sorry, i hope it helps

Answer 9

I know where you're coming from.
I had to let mine go.