How do I deal with my mother this holiday?

Question

My mom has always had huge issues about her weight. She was overweight for years, and is now super-skinny. I think she goes as far as OD'ing on diet pills and thyroid medication to keep it off. She always raises her weight in conversations, always talks about how to keep it off, what other women look like.

I will be frank and say that people compliment me on my body, and i am happy with it- until I spend time with my mom. She seems to think that a good body is a skinny one (only-nothing inbetween). She comments on what I eat,implies I need to lose weight (eg "you shouldn;t eat that. Women who eat that tend to put on weight", "I have this great weight tip for you).If she gets told off for being obsessive, she does it subtly- literally raises eyebrows whenever I eat, checks whats on my plate, shakes her head, or gets my senile grandmother to say something nasty!
Thing is, I am not putting on weight. But a week at home and I feel suicidal, fat and ugly.What do I do????

I am average weight (vary between size 10 and 11/12), do a lot of excercise so am curvy but in a toned and muscular kind of way.

I have told her before to stop and how it makes me feel. She now denies she does anything, and I think she may actually not realise that she is doing it, or may think what she does is justifiable because it cant be proven.

She and my gran are petite (5'5). I am tall, different body type.

Answer 1

tell your mother how you feel and about what she does to make you feel this way....politely say that you dont like it when she tries to project what she thinks is an ideal body in to your thoughts as you are a young adult with your own thoughts and feelings on the subject...and tell her your opinion is just as valid as hers, regardless to the fact that she is the parent.....because at some point in your life you are the one going to be in control....not her....and you are the one that suffers the consequences of your actions or reaps the rewards.....irreguardless.....it is your body and your life.

Answer 2

Isn't it funny how your family--the people that love you the most in the whole world--can make you feel more insecure than any stranger on the street...? It would be so much easier to tell off a stranger, but you're kind of stuck with your family!

While the 'don't go home' advice is really good advice, somehow the holidays complicate that. If you have no choice in the matter, try to remember that (a) it's only a week, and (b) you are dealing with somebody who has extreme body and self-esteem issues. Pointing it out to her will not make her see the error of her ways--it will likely just reinforce her inappropriate behavior.

You need to make the decision to completely ignore it OR draw a line in the sand. Tell her that you feel that she has some serious issues to work out, and that they are damaging your relationship with her. Tell her that if she does not change her behavior or get help to do so, that you cannot spend time with her because it is not healthy for you.

If you are happy with yourself, good for you--so many people aren't.

Answer 3

You shouldn't have to put up with that!
Maybe you should write her a letter before you go there and tell her what you have told us.
Let her know you are happy and you don't want any nagging or you are out of there.
Tell her exactly what you said in the last line...after a week at home I feel suicidal, fat and ugly and that you'd like to have a visit where you enjoy the season and each others company.
Good luck!

Answer 4

Awww. I'm so sorry you're in such an awkward position.
Firstly, to protect yourself, keep your voice of reason there. You KNOW you're beautiful. you KNOW you look good and healthy and fit. You like being yourself! (which is absolutely WONDERFUL!) Keep your positive mindset about you. Don't let anybody get you down please! Everytime you look in the mirror and feel fat, tell yourself: you're one beautiful woman. don't let anyone get you down! After all, spending time with your mom does not make you automatically become ugly.
Secondly, to help your mom, keep telling her that she's skinny and pretty. Tell her that she looks good. It might be tiring, but keep telling her because hearing compliments (which are genuine or at least genuine-sounding) matter to people with weight issues. Before you go home, make a list of all the things you like about your mom. And keep her positive side in mind especially when you're eating with her!
Good luck. And I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Holidays are about relaxation and enjoying time with your family, so I hope you do achieve that. Don't let one aspect of your mother ruin it all for you!

Answer 5

Tell her to back off!! You have your own mind, and body. You are beautiful the way you are, and if you're not gaining any weight, and that's good. Sit away from her, avoid her un pourpose, and if your mom starts to talk to you about weight, change the subject and stick with that.

And if your grandma says something, call her "Kinder Skeeter". It means, "Sheep Poop". (Do not translate that when people ask.) The best defence is the best offence for most.

But, I'd stick with something else. Like, when your mom starts insulting, you might want to pull her aside and have closure. Yell, scream, and tell her how you feel; cry if you want to.

Or, ask your friends if you could hang with them and leave your mom alone. And is she calls afterwards, then ignore them until she stops. Hopefully, she gets the message.

Answer 6

Just don't feed into it. I know it is harder said than done. Your mom is ecstatic about her weight loss and she may see a couple of "bad" habits she used to have in you. She is just being a mom . She is happy with the "new" her and does not want you to go down that same path. If you are comfortable with YOU so be it--there is always going to be someone out there with an opinion about you and/ or for you. You can start learning to ignore silliness by starting with her.

Like I said I know it is easier said then done but let her talk and let it roll off your back.

Happy Holidays!

Answer 7

If you want to enjoy the holidays and the food ,you could plan a meal with your mom that is healthy for everyone. You must have a talk with your mom before the holidays and tell her that you would enjoy spending Christmas without her pointing out on what you or other people eat and how much . We all know that the holiday season is a time to over indulge ,if you do it , there is always the rest of the year to be wise!

Answer 8

Sounds like a nightmare! I feel sorry for you. My grandmother seemed obsessive about my weight last year so I lost a lot of it and now she tells me how "fat, fat, fat" I was last year. Gosh, I only weighed 140 and I'm 5'4!

I'd tell her this: "Mom, if you can't accept me the way I am now then I really don't see any reason to keep spending time with you."

Straight up, tell her how you feel.

Answer 9

Rather than telling off your mom, which it sounds like it hasn't worked well in the past, I would tell your mom exactly how coming home and hearing all these weight comments make you feel. First, compliment her on the accomplishment of her weight loss and tell her that you are proud of her. Then, explain to her that you are the only one who needs to be thinking about your own weight. Let her know that it makes you feel bad about yourself when you come home and hear criticism or "helpful diet tips". Be clear with her that while you enjoy being home on the holidays, that it is something you won't be able to continue if this criticism of you continues.

Answer 10

sounds like you are having a little trouble with the things your mother are saying...if it makes you feel any better, I used to live in an abusive home so I TOTALLY know how you feel. My father used to call me fat all the time...when I was younger (like only 8 or 9) I went to the extremes of starving myself so that my father would take back everything he said about me, but he never did. I know it's hard...trust me i really do know...but you have to move on. Your mom may never be the mother you want her to be, but in the end it's her who loses in all of this...also, try to bring to her attention that no body is perfect and that it bothers you (just try it)
I hope everything goes well!

Answer 11

Good for your mother for loosing her weight she has a right to feel good about herself, but I understand you, my mom does the same thing, but with her it is a different issue. It is always hard when your own mother makes you feel be-littled or "small" but I always look at it this way--I will always respect my mother, mabey not agree with her, but respect her!! She IS your mother and the ONLY mother you will EVER have. If you feel happy about who you are and feel comfortable about how you look, then try to be happy for her. Don't kill yourself ha!! Love your mother anyway and be mature about the situation. Make it a great holiday, and dont let emotions ruin it for you! pdgreen10@yahoo