In august of 2006 my fiance' commited suicide. At the time we had just bought a new home and our daughter was 10 months old ( the first and only for both of us ). I have gone through alot of therepy etc... ( I actually saw him after he shot himself) We had no problems, we were the couple everyone wanted to be. The issue at hand is that he has an older brother who I became very close to during this trajedy (previously I couldnt stand him) He has fallen deeply for me and wants to take care of my daughter and I- ABSOLUTLY nothing prior to the death of my fiance ever took place ( asimple hello would be all, as I said I couldnt stand him ) I do have feelings for him, but I feel ethically its so wrong, plus Im by no means anywhere near being over my fiance. Any POSITIVE guidance would be appreciated.
2007-12-13 07:17:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I feel terrible for you and your daughter! A friend of mine went through a similar situation (she was pregnant and engaged when her fiance shot himself). First thing to remember is he would want you to find happiness, and second is to remember, you WILL be happy someday again! What a better way to heal than to have someone to that was close to the situation supporting you!! This may be harsh and I'm sorry, but you need to remember this: Suicide is the most selfish act a person can commit! Those left behind are the ones left hurting forever! Move on and try to let yourself live again. Although he did not choose life, you did!!!! And you have a daughter to raise! Move slowly and carefully and if you have feelings for this man, allow yourself to be happy! You and your child desearve it! It would not be strange if you fell in love with his brother! Things happen and you cannot control who you fall in love with! God bless and my heart aches for you!!!! (Also lets face it, you posted this under weddings, you know in your heart where this is leading!!! Good luck!!!)
2007-12-13 23:10:41 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish you well. The best thing you could do is keep up with your therapy. Discuss the issue with your therapist and see what he/she has to say. The death of a partner is very traumatic, and you'll need plenty of time to heal before you get into a relationship with someone else. I see nothing inherently wrong with your situation, although I think that you should just remain friends with the brother for now. you still need more time to heal. Don't rule out a relationship for the future, but you should probably wait a while.
My concern is you're bonding with/attracted to the brother because he represents a link or connection to your deceased fiance. The line in your question that made me suspect that this is the case is "(previously I couldn't stand him)". Did he really change that much? Has he now become what you want in a partner? or is being with the brother your way of holding on to your loved one? The same could be true for the brother with regards to his feelings for you. I may be wrong, but I think that this is something you need to explore. Be completely honest with yourself and hold off on a relationship for how.
I sincerely wish you and your young daughter the very best.
2007-12-13 08:17:51 · answer #2 · answered by SE 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
First, I am very sorry for the struggles you've had. Second, you've found a guy who cares about you and your daughter, and that's so very important. You deserve a chance to be happy...seize this one!
It doesn't matter that he's your fiance's brother. Actually, that might actually be beneficial, since you're both still healing and can heal together. It doesn't matter that you aren't over your fiance. What is "over" anyway? You will never be happy about what happened, and you will never be able to reflect on it as though it was anything but a sad, tragic event.
It isn't ethically wrong, either. I'm not sure if you're religious or not, but the bible is full of men who have married their deceased brother's wives. I think the book of Ruth has one such story. And if you aren't religious, what is ethically wrong about falling for a good man who wants to love you and your child?
2007-12-13 07:31:17 · answer #3 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
gosh sweetie, i am so so sorry for your loss. keep up with therapy and keep a positive outlook.
as for your question there is nothing ethically wrong with this situation so don't let anyone try and make you feel the least bit guilty or bad about this. having said that i urge you not to rush into anything, it may very well be that your feelings for him are simply because he does remind you of your man. give it some more time, spend more time with your daughter and your other friends and family, away from him. that will give you time to think without his all powerful presence being in the same room. just take your time, thats all i can tell you. talk to your therapist about it as well. she/he will give you support and guidance that we can't do from here.
i wish you well sweetie, and i know time will help you heal. you are blessed to have your daughter and perhaps you will be doubly blessed with finding another strong love. take good care, stay strong and peace be with you.
2007-12-13 07:36:17 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I am so very sorry for your loss. Forget everything else right now other than the fact that you yourself are nowhere near being ready to experience life with another man yet. Right now, that's all that matters. It's great that he wants to take care of you and support you, but it could be the tragedy that has made this blossom in the first place. Out of pain, he is trying his best to create something beautiful, and right now the friendship needs to be enough. Focus on being the best you can be for yourself and your daughter right now, and on healing your heart. Give yourself all the time in the world. Your brother in law can wait if it's going to turn into something real. Plus, you went from not being able to stomach this guy to his being in love with you and your developing feelings---could be the grief talking. Take your time. Ethically, I don't feel that there is anything wrong if it's genuine on both sides. You need to be fair to him also in that you can't be with him just because it's too hard to go it alone. My heart goes out to you.
2007-12-13 07:27:56 · answer #5 · answered by Marina 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Look, I am very sorry for your loss, but in the same token you need to live your life. Right now the both of you need a shoulder to cry on, just be there for one another. If it leads to something in the future don't worry about ethics. Be Happy! You know in your heart that's what your fiance would have wanted for you and your daughter.
2007-12-13 08:29:07 · answer #6 · answered by diablo 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If the two of you want to be together, then you should, but after you get over your fiance. Don't worry about anything people will think or say, you have both been through a lot and deserve to be happy. Your fiance would want that for you and who would he trust more than his brother to make sure that you are. Work through your feelings, hopefully he will support you and be patient. Very best of luck to you.
2007-12-13 07:30:21 · answer #7 · answered by Deanrijo 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
There's nothing ethically wrong with it- but make sure you truly love him, and are not just searching for a way to fill the hole in your heart. I would recommend a period of separation from him, probably for six months, to work out your true feelings.
I knew someone who got married too soon after the death of her spouse, and it didn't work out. It turned out that she was just looking for a way to fill the space in her heart, but she didn't realize it.
Be careful, and good luck. I'm sorry for all you've been through.
2007-12-13 08:33:12 · answer #8 · answered by sarah jane 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The most I see you saying about him is you "have feelings for him". Don't do anything until you come to the decision that you really love him. I don't see anything wrong with getting together with him after all this time. He, I'm sure, would understand your feelings of attachment to his brother. I'm sure he has hurt feelings regarding losing his brother too. Don't let the pain be what holds you two together. Let the relationship develop slowly and naturally. If it's meant to be, it will be. Don't fight it but don't rush into it.
2007-12-13 07:27:23 · answer #9 · answered by Sunshine 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
That's horrible :( I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your fiance :(
How do you feel about the brother? Do you love him? I think that your fiance would want you to be happy
2007-12-14 21:34:56 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋